Do you want calmer, happier children? Gay fathers may be better at some aspects of parenting than straight couples
The notion that a child absolutely needs a ‘mum and dad’ for healthy development is one of the most common arguments put forward by opponents of same-sex parenting. However, the more data researchers gather, the less convincing this argument becomes. Studies have long shown that children growing up with gay or lesbian parents thrive at least as well as their peers from heterosexual families. Some more recent studies, however, go even further – in these, children raised by two fathers actually show fewer psychological and behavioural problems.
This does not, of course, mean that sexual orientation automatically makes someone a better parent. However, the results suggest something far more interesting. Gay fathers, because of the path they take to parenthood, may often be forced to approach certain things more consciously – to plan parenthood thoroughly, to share care more equally, to communicate more openly, and to rely less on traditional notions of what ‘a mum is supposed to do’ and what ‘a dad is supposed to do’. And it is precisely in this respect that all parents, without exception, might find inspiration from them.
Not only do two fathers not harm children; in some respects, they fare better
One of the most interesting insights comes from a meta-analysis published in the academic journal *Sexuality Research and Social Policy*. In it, researchers combined the results of 17 studies involving a total of 1,509 children – 628 of whom were raised in planned families with gay fathers and 881 with heterosexual parents. The analysis included, for example, families formed through adoption or surrogacy.
The result was unequivocal on one key point – the psychological functioning of children of gay fathers fell within the normal range in all the studies included. When the researchers then directly compared children of gay fathers with those of heterosexual parents, a small but statistically significant advantage emerged in favour of the former group. On average, children of gay fathers demonstrated better psychological adjustment.
It is therefore important not to simply translate the scientific term ‘psychological adjustment’ as ‘happiness’. In practice, this refers, for example, to the extent to which a child displays signs of anxiety or depression, behavioural problems, aggression or difficulties in relationships with others.
A European study published in the academic journal *Family Process* also pointed in a similar direction. Researchers compared 67 families with gay fathers, formed through surrogacy, with 67 heterosexual families. The children were aged between one and a half and ten years, and the two groups were matched according to the child’s age and gender. The children of gay fathers exhibited fewer so-called externalising problems – such as aggression or rule-breaking – as well as fewer internalising problems, such as anxiety or depressive symptoms. And the most interesting part of the research is only just beginning.
Two dads do not have pre-assigned roles
Imagine a typical heterosexual couple shortly after the birth of their child. Even in modern relationships, social scripts familiar to generations are often activated, at least in part, automatically. The mother takes care of the child, the father helps out. The mother deals with doctors, nursery or clothes, whilst the father is in charge of other matters. Of course, this has long since ceased to apply to all families, but the gender division of care has not completely disappeared.
Two men simply do not have a similar pre-written script. The authors of the aforementioned meta-analysis focusing on families with gay fathers point out that it is precisely this lesser attachment to traditional gender roles that may allow gay fathers to negotiate the division of household tasks and childcare more flexibly. Previous research also shows that their co-parenting may involve greater cooperation and mutual support – factors which are in turn associated with better psychological functioning in children.
Less ‘because I said so’, more boundaries and understanding
A difference was also observed in parenting styles. So-called authoritative parenting is often considered one of the most effective forms of parenting – which is distinct from authoritarian parenting. An authoritative parent is able to set clear rules and boundaries for their child, whilst at the same time being warm, communicating with them and responding to their needs. It is therefore neither absolute freedom nor the ‘you’ll do it because I’m your parent and I’ve said so’ approach.
It was precisely this style that gay fathers in the aforementioned study tended to favour. As Fatherly magazine also summarises, citing the study’s findings, a higher degree of authoritarian or punitive parenting was, conversely, linked to a greater incidence of problematic behaviour in children, regardless of their parents’ sexual orientation.
This is perhaps the most significant finding of the entire study. It is not that gay men possess some sort of secret ‘parenting gene’. What matters is the way they treat their children and each other. And that is something anyone can learn.
If you really want a child, you may approach parenthood differently
There is another fairly simple reason why some families with gay fathers may achieve very good outcomes – their children are generally not conceived by chance.
For two men, the path to parenthood is more complicated. Depending on the country, it may involve adoption procedures, surrogacy, high financial costs, legal obstacles or years of planning. Parenthood is therefore almost always a very conscious decision.
It is precisely this exceptional level of planning that the authors of a comprehensive analysis of 17 existing studies cite as one possible explanation for the findings. Furthermore, in these families, the journey to having a child often becomes part of the family’s story, which parents discuss openly with their children from a very young age.
No, science has not just proven that gay men are better parents
Research has its limitations. The meta-analysis in question included only 17 studies and a total of 1,509 children. Furthermore, the families analysed were predominantly from Western and economically developed countries, so the results cannot automatically be extrapolated to the whole world.
Education may also play a role. The difference in favour of children of gay fathers was more pronounced in studies where the gay fathers were better educated than the heterosexual parents in the control group. However, according to the analysis, household income alone did not significantly explain the resulting difference.
The researchers also drew attention to possible publication bias and to the fact that there are still relatively few studies available on families planned by gay fathers. A scientifically sound conclusion is therefore not that two fathers are always better than a mum and a dad. Rather, it is that the gender and sexual orientation of parents do not, in themselves, determine whether a child will thrive. The quality of relationships, parenting style, parental cooperation and the home environment play a much greater role. This is, moreover, a finding that can be applied to virtually any family.
The biggest problem? It often doesn’t come from within the family, but from outside
There is, however, one paradox. Whilst research shows that being brought up by two fathers does not harm children, the way in which those around them react to their family can have negative effects.
A study of European gay fathers found that families’ experiences of homophobic microaggressions were linked to a higher number of internalised problems in children, lower quality of co-parenting, and less support from family and friends. So the problem may not be that the child has two dads. The problem may be someone who constantly tells the child that there is something wrong with their family.
A systematic review of research on same-sex parenting, published in 2025, also paints a similarly sobering picture. In most of the indicators examined, same-sex and opposite-sex parents do not differ significantly; however, some studies find higher levels of subjective life satisfaction among same-sex parents. At the same time, they face specific stress associated with discrimination and legal uncertainty.
So what can others learn from gay fathers?
Perhaps, above all, that good parenting is not a set of roles assigned according to gender. It is not predetermined who should comfort the child, who should set the rules, who should attend parents’ evenings and who should earn a living. A functioning family is more likely to emerge when parents are able to divide these responsibilities according to their abilities, work together, respect one another and combine clear boundaries with warmth and communication when it comes to their child.
It is precisely those families that cannot automatically fall back on the traditional ‘mum versus dad’ model that actually serve as a natural laboratory for what happens when we begin to separate parenting from gender stereotypes. And so far, it seems that children certainly do not lose out as a result.
