How long does a broken heart really take to heal? Scientists have come up with a number that may surprise you
The question of how long it takes to "fall out of love" with an ex-partner does not have a simple answer. People traditionally solve it by intuition - some talk about weeks, others about years, and the popular theory that it takes about half the length of the relationship is often repeated.
But a study published in 2025 in the peer-reviewed journal Social Psychological and Personality Science provides more concrete numbers. According to its findings, research participants were "halfway" to disengaging from their former partner after 4.18 years. In other words - complete emotional release can take up to eight years on average.
At first glance, this is a surprisingly long time. However, in the context of current knowledge about brain functioning, emotions and relationship dynamics, it makes sense.
Love as a neurological process
Romantic love is not just a feeling, but a complex biological and neurological process. Earlier research by anthropologist Helen Fisher in 2005 had already shown that the brain perceives love not primarily as an emotion but as a motivational state.
When falling in love, neurotransmitters such as dopamine, oxytocin or norepinephrine are activated. These enhance feelings of reward, attachment and excitement. It is dopamine, associated with reward centres, that shows similar patterns to addiction.
Simply put: the relationship is "written" in the brain in a similar way to an addiction.
Thus, after a break-up, it is not only psychological pain, but also a process that resembles withdrawal symptoms. The sudden "cutting off" from the source of dopamine - i.e. from a partner, shared rituals or daily communication - forces the brain to seek a new balance.
And it is this rebuilding of neural connections that is slow. Even years later, certain stimuli - songs, smells, places - can activate old patterns and recall ancient emotions.
Breaking up as a form of mourning
Psychologists today increasingly point out that a breakup is not just "the end of a relationship" but also a form of loss. A 2020 study published in the Adultspan Journal confirms that breakups can trigger grief-like processes.
The latter is often described through familiar stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But the reality is less clear. These phases do not unfold in a linear fashion and may reoccur.
It is common for a person to feel they are "over it" and then be unexpectedly struck by a memory, a photograph, or a chance encounter. Thus, emotional closure does not come in one clear moment.
Residual emotions - a kind of "emotional shards" - can persist for a long time. It does not necessarily mean that one wants to go back. Rather, it is a reverberation of the deep investment that the relationship represented.
When "me and you" becomes "we"
Another factor that prolongs the process is so-called identity fusion. Psychologists use the term enmeshment for this phenomenon - a situation where the boundaries between partners gradually blur.
In long-term relationships, the way a person perceives himself or herself naturally changes. "I and you" become "we". Decisions, values and everyday functioning become intertwined.
According to research from 2022, this process can lead to the loss of part of one's identity. Partners begin to prioritise the needs of the relationship over their own and their personal boundaries weaken.
Breaking up then represents not only the loss of a partner, but also the loss of a part of oneself.
Returning to one's own identity can therefore be one of the most challenging phases. Questions like "who am I without this relationship" or "what do I want" are not just rhetorical.
Why do some relationships stay "in" longer
Even after new relationships are established, old patterns may persist. People carry learned behaviors, reactions, and expectations. Some parts of their identity remain connected to a past relationship longer than they would like.
Thus, the process of disengagement is not a one-time act, but a long-term "untangling." It takes place gradually, often subtly, and can drag on for years.
This explains why the lines between "ex-partner", "past" and "someone I once loved" sometimes blur more slowly than society expects.
