When a man suppresses the "female" part. What psychology knows about it and what it can lead to

What exactly is the "feminine side" of a man

In popular parlance, it often refers to qualities such as the ability to feel and name emotions, empathy, gentleness, tenderness, openness, vulnerability, authenticity, the need for closeness and care (for oneself and others), creativity, intuition, imagination, and there are certainly many other meanings we traditionally associate with something like "femininity."

The problem doesn't arise because a man is "masculine". The problem arises when masculinity is defined by a prohibition: 'you must not be weak, you must not be needy, you must not show fear, you must not appear 'feminine'.' Sometimes for a lifetime.

The pressure of masculinity as a measurable stress

Contemporary psychology can already measure this pressure quite well. As early as the 1980s, the Masculine Gender Role Stress (MGRS) scale was developed, which looks at the situations in which men experience the stress associated with the traditional male role. For example, when they have to show tenderness, when they feel "inadequate", when they are "submissive to a woman", or when they fail at work or in sex.

Importantly, this is not a matter of 'individual weakness' but of social setting: some situations are culturally demarcated to men as a threat to their self-worth. And then it is no wonder that they avoid what might "bring them down" or even devalue them in the eyes of others.

Fragile masculinity Or why men are afraid to appear "feminine"

A research strand called precarious masculinity suggests that masculinity is seen in many cultures as a status that needs to be earned and continually reaffirmed. Unlike femininity, which is often seen as a preconceived "given", masculinity is often presented as something that can be lost at any time if the bearer does not continually prove it to those around him.

And when that status is threatened, men sometimes reach for behaviours to reassert their 'masculinity'. For example, experiments have shown that when masculine identity is threatened, the tendency to aggressive acts such as culturally learned "role reversion" can increase.

Other work shows that threats to masculinity can trigger uncomfortable emotions (including shame and anger) and can reduce empathy.

What happens when a man suppresses emotions for a long time

One of the most common manifestations of suppressed emotions in men is their reduced ability to seek/ask for help. Much research confirms that a strong orientation to traditional norms (self-reliance, emotional control, toughness) is related to men seeking less psychological help, even when they desperately need it.

This is perhaps most evident in depression - men often come too late, sometimes only when the problem spills over into a relationship crisis, work, addictions or somatic problems. A review of work on masculinity and depression describes how traditional norms can shape not only whether men seek help, but also how they experience and describe depression in the first place.

Another very common manifestation is a repressed ability to experience not only true emotions but also oneself. When a man learns that "tenderness is dangerous" and "tears are a shame," he often learns to stifle his emotions and not give them an outlet. In the short term, this may work as a survival strategy, but in the long term it is associated with impaired emotion regulation, increasing internal pressure and relationship difficulties (because intimacy requires, above all, openness to oneself). The links between masculine norms, emotional competence and aggression are described, for example, in a European study published in Frontiers in Psychology.

Last but not least, shame (for oneself), anxiety and compensatory behaviour, which can take many forms, should also be mentioned. Psychologist Joseph Pleck has described the so-called Gender Role Strain Paradigm: the very act of trying to live up to some contemporary "ideal" can create chronic stress, because the "ideal" is often rigid, unattainable, and if there is anything it does not condone, it is any deviation from it.

When a man feels that he is not meeting expectations ("I'm not man enough"), he may experience " discrepancy strain", which he then sometimes compensates for with behaviors designed to reaffirm status (dominance, risk-taking, aggression). This mechanism is also compatible with research on fragile masculinity and experiments on the restoration of "male status".

What about it? Integration instead of "re-polarity"

The good news is that the way out is not about "being more feminine" or "less masculine". It's about integration, the ability to reclaim the parts of ourselves that have been "banned."

In practice, it often looks like this:learning to name emotions (not "something is wrong" but "I'm scared/shameful/sad"), working with shame (shame is often the "keeper" of authenticity - it protects the place where we are most vulnerable), distinguish identity from role (role is learned while core personality is broader), relational courage: Not being afraid to say what I need, even if I fear rejection; seeking support (therapy, coaching, group, community space).

Toxic masculinity is real

In recent years, there has been more talk about the male psyche because, among other things, the old paradox is becoming apparent to us all: men have been taught to "hang in there" but at the cost of often not being able to say "I can't anymore" in time. And the suppressed sensitivity does not go away. It just finds another channel: anger, cynicism, addictions, workaholism, promiscuity, escape into isolation or a sense of emptiness.

If there's a deeper meaning to the "feminine side" of a man, maybe it's this: contact with his own heart. Not as a phrase, but as the ability to be alive. Which more accurately means feeling, experiencing, loving, losing, trying again. And thus gradually becoming whole.

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This text is the third part of a larger project , Coming In, which charts the nearly two-year journey of the editor of this magazine's return to himself and his own essence. For more information on the project, please visit lui.cz/comingin