Do you long for a happier life? Then start doing just what you want to do

To be happy in life - who wouldn't want that. Freedom, liberty, joy, enthusiasm, energy. Waking up to new days that are full of things that recharge us and we look forward to. It's just that we can't do that... Duties are duties, work is work and we just have to do a lot of things we don't want to do.

Except it's nonsense. Because if you really want to be happy, then you have to ditch the things you don't want to do. And you have to start doing the things you want to do. Because when you think about it, nothing else makes sense. How would you want to be happy if you don't do the things that make you happy? And how would you like to not be unhappy if you do things that drain, annoy and exhaust you? Logic, folks, logic.

And a lot of courage, I should add. Stepping out of the world of what we "should" into the path of our own happiness and doing only what we really want is not easy. Because if it were, we'd all do it and not even think about it. But it's also not impossible. Here are some tips on how to start living in a way that makes you happy.

Step 1: Identify the problem

In order to start living the life you want, you first need to realize that you're living something you don't want. Or that you are doing something that you don't. It sounds like a simple task, but in practice, this realization may be the hardest thing ever. Because quite often we automatically do what others expect us to do. Whether it's parents, whether it's a partner, whether it's society as a whole. It may be a career path, but it may also be a way of conducting our partner and family life. It's just that some of it you may not want to do at all. And you don't realise it. But you can't figure out what it is on the spot. You have to focus on your feelings.

How do you feel in each situation? Do they fill you with joy and pleasure, or do they make you nervous and you'd rather avoid them? And what is your long-term mental well-being? Are you sleeping well? Or do you think about "responsibilities" before falling asleep? Do you look forward to new days? These are all indicators of things you do and don't want to do. And what you don't want to do is bad for you.

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Step 2: Identify needs and desires

Just as necessary as figuring out what you don't want to do is figuring out what you do want to do. What are the things that drive you? What things make you happy? What energizes you? Think in the same way I described above, and in the same way, search your heart and soul for what makes you feel really good. Follow the feelings!

Again, focus on which of the things you want are really yours. Because as I mentioned earlier, we often not only do what others expect us to do, but we also think we want to do it because it's instilled in us. Maybe just by the fact that all our friends like it. But you are not your friends. You are you and you may have completely different wants and needs. And that's perfectly fine.

Step 3: Forget "I have to"

Every "have to" can be reframed into "want" and "need" and any relationships between them. For example: do you need to go to work, or do you need to go to work to have money for the things you want? Understanding that this always works isn't exactly easy, but once you get it right (or manage to remember it at least occasionally), you'll find life easier. Because suddenly all the responsibilities become things you do for yourself.

Step 4: Cancel everything you don't want to do

Now you know what you don't want to do, you know what you really want to do, and you also know that you don't actually have to do anything. However, you may also come across things that you think you have to do, but you don't want or need to do. Because you don't enjoy them and they don't bring you any benefit.

I deliberately say "you think you have to do them" because you don't have to do them. You just don't have to. You don't have to do the dishes. Your partner can do it. Or you can throw it away. (Yeah, that's an option too! But maybe you don't want to do it.) Or you can wash it tomorrow. Or next week. Don't you want to babysit for your sister who wants to go to the spa for the weekend? Then turn it down. You don't have to babysit. And likewise, you don't have to have your whole apartment primed before Christmas, you don't have to celebrate your mother-in-law's birthday, you don't have to have your front yard gutted, and you don't have to have sex or one partner.

Does that sound selfish? It is selfish. Selfish people actually have it extremely easy in life. Because as soon as someone doesn't care about the demands and feelings of others and doesn't do anything about it, they've won. Nothing is a problem. Breaking hearts, upsetting families, careers over dead bodies. Such a life is in principle very simple, because the person concerned does not limit himself by taking into account others and pursues only his own goals.

Step 5: Find a balance

But I'm not saying you have to do it too. You don't have to. Because if you're ethically set up differently and you want to consider others, you can. In fact, I think very few people are completely selfish. Unless they're a psychopath. But you have to incorporate a little selfishness into your life. Because you can't just give in to others all the time and do what is expected of you when it doesn't make you happy and you don't want to do it. Why is that? Because it doesn't make you happy and you don't want to do it!

You have the right to pursue your own needs and fulfill the desires of your heart. And so you need to find a balance between how much you want to consider others and how much you need to give space to yourself and be kind to yourself. If you have a tendency to look to others a lot and put yourself first, it will be hard at first (and maybe even in the middle), but gradually you will get used to it and learn to put yourself first more and more.

Imagining what it would look like if you switched roles can also help. Like babysitting. Or a dog. How would you react if your friend refused to babysit? Would you blame and resent him and ruin your friendship, or would you say , "It's too bad he can't, but I'll work it out some other way"? That's probably the same way the people around you would react to you putting yourself first. Just beware of the evildoers who would like to use you and manipulate you, and will want to use phrases like "But you've always accommodated me*a". Well, you just can't do that now, period. Assertiveness is also in order. It's about you, it's about your happiness.

Step 6: Make you happy

You want happiness? Then make it. You've already identified what makes you happy and what fulfills you, so do those things. Do lots of them and do them often. As often as possible! Enjoy them. Because that's what it's all about - being happy and feeling happy. If you want something and you desire it, don't be afraid to do something to get it. It sounds trivial, but it can be easy to get stuck in some of the learned "I shouldn't do that" patterns. The trick is to realize it, think about whether it's really relevant, and then usually find out it's not and do what you wanted to do. Life can be fun and you can enjoy it. If you allow yourself to. And you can afford it. So go ahead, do what you want to do.