Watching your partner have sex with someone else? A fantasy that sounds like a nightmare, but which arouses some people immensely
Imagine a situation that would probably spell disaster in a normal monogamous relationship. You walk into the bedroom and find your partner having sex with someone else. But instead of shock, anger and immediately thinking about where to move to, you feel aroused. What’s more, that’s exactly what you wanted.
This is precisely the principle behind the sexual fantasy known as ‘cuckolding’. In specialist literature, it is usually described as a sexual interest in which a person derives arousal from their romantic partner engaging in sexual activity with someone else. Sometimes the partner is physically present and watches them; at other times, the mere awareness of what is happening can be part of the arousal.
At first glance, however, cuckolding is almost the exact opposite of what society teaches us about love. After all, we are supposed to protect our partner; sexual exclusivity is often regarded as one of the cornerstones of a monogamous relationship, and jealousy is frequently interpreted as proof that we care about the other person. This is precisely why the idea of voluntarily ‘sharing’ a partner can be so provocative. Yet human sexuality does not always have to be governed by the rules of relationship etiquette.
Fantasies about having sex with other people are by no means unusual
Sexological research suggests that fantasies about sex outside a traditionally monogamous couple are by no means the preserve of a few eccentric couples.
Psychologist and sexuality researcher Justin Lehmiller from the Kinsey Institute studied the sexual fantasies of 822 people who were in monogamous relationships at the time of the study. According to a study published in the *Archives of Sexual Behaviour*, 32.6 per cent of respondents stated that some form of sexually open relationship was part of their absolute favourite sexual fantasy. Furthermore, the majority of participants stated that they had fantasised about some form of consensual non-monogamy at least once.
This does not, of course, mean that a third of people want to watch their partner have sex with someone else. Consensual non-monogamy encompasses a wide spectrum of ideas – from open relationships through to swinging and group sex – and cuckolding is merely one of them.
However, there is one further crucial difference: fantasies, sexual desire and actual behaviour are not the same thing. What people fantasise about is not necessarily what they want to do in reality. Moreover, very few types of sexual fantasies are actually statistically rare.
A person may therefore be intensely aroused by the idea of their partner being with someone else, whilst at the same time being a contented advocate of monogamy in real life. Sexual fantasies allow our brains to safely explore scenarios that we would never want to act out outside the bedroom.
How can jealousy be erotic?
Perhaps the most interesting thing about cuckoldry is that it combines two emotions we usually perceive as opposites – sexual arousal and jealousy.
Jealousy does not necessarily have to disappear. For some people, it can be part of the erotic tension itself. A situation that provokes insecurity, intense emotions and a sense of breaking a taboo can, at the same time, heighten sexual arousal.
We recognise a similar principle in other fantasies. For example, a person may wish to hand over control to their partner during sex, even though in everyday life they detest the feeling of powerlessness. They may be erotically attracted to a game involving humiliation, without wanting to be humiliated at work or amongst friends. In short, sexual fantasies often involve roles and emotions that we would find unpleasant in real life.
For some people, moreover, arousal may simply stem from viewing their own partner as a sexually desirable person. The fact that someone else desires them may, paradoxically, increase their attractiveness even further.
In the context of consensual non-monogamy, the term ‘compersion’ is also used in this regard. It refers to the positive emotions a person experiences in connection with their partner’s romantic or sexual relationships with other people.
It’s not always just about watching sex
Moreover, a whole range of fantasies lies behind a single word. For some, it is primarily about the voyeuristic element – they are aroused by the possibility of watching their partner having sex with another person. For others, the dynamics of surrendering control, humiliation or submission may be appealing. And for others, humiliation may not be important at all. According to researchers, cuckolding fantasies among gay men may, for example, be linked to a higher prevalence of other sexual interests, particularly voyeurism and group sex.
This is also why it is not entirely accurate to lump all such situations together. Some couples practise open relationships, others swinging, whilst others engage in threesomes. A specific element of cuckolding is precisely the arousal a person derives from their partner having sexual contact with someone else. And, of course, it doesn’t have to be limited to heterosexual couples at all.
The difference between erotic play and infidelity comes down to one crucial word
That word is consent. In infidelity, one partner breaks the rules the couple have agreed upon, and the other is usually unaware of it. In consensual non-monogamy, by contrast, agreement is the fundamental condition. Everyone involved knows what is happening and freely consents to it.
Furthermore, research into the sexual fantasies of people in monogamous relationships shows that notions of consensual non-monogamy cannot simply be equated with fantasies of infidelity. Lehmiller’s study suggests that the two types of fantasies are linked to different psychological motivations and therefore may not reflect the same needs or desires.
Furthermore, the fact that a particular fantasy arouses someone whilst masturbating or watching pornography does not in any way guarantee that it will be equally pleasurable when a partner actually undresses in front of them with someone else.
Fantasies offer almost absolute control. In one’s own mind, the scenario can be paused, changed or skipped to its most arousing part at any time. Reality adds the emotions of other people, uncertainty, jealousy, nervousness and also the question of how everyone will feel the next morning.
Therefore, if a couple decides to actually turn such a fantasy into reality, communication, pre-agreed boundaries and the option for any of the participants to stop things at any time are crucial. When having sex with other partners, it is, of course, also essential to think about protection against sexually transmitted infections. And pressure along the lines of ‘if you love me, you’ll let me do this’ has nothing to do with consensual sexual play.
