Research reveals a contradiction: half of people try what they consider abnormal in their intimate life. What if there is no such thing as normal sex?
Feeld's first State of Reflections report is based on a global survey of more than 5,700 people. The results show a significant disconnect between how people actually live and what they consider socially acceptable.
For example, outside of the app itself, nearly half of respondents said they had experienced kink, that is, non-traditional sexual preferences or practices that fall outside of commonly accepted norms. These may include various forms of domination and submission, role-playing, fetishes or other specific ways of experiencing intimacy that are always based on the consent and voluntariness of all involved. Yet many continue to see it as 'abnormal'. According to the authors of the research, this says less about people's behaviour and more about the persistent stigma.
Sociologist Erykah Benson, who was involved in the study, speaks of a "cultural mismatch." She says people routinely practice things that they themselves also evaluate through the prism of a narrow idea of normalcy. This has historically been shaped primarily by the heterosexual, cisgender male gaze - and anything outside this framework then easily gets the label of "fringe".
Consent and safe sex are still not a given
The research also brings less optimistic findings, especially when it comes to communication around consent and sexual health. Only around a quarter of respondents outside the Feeld community said they considered talking about safe sex to be 'normal'. Among app users, this proportion is significantly higher.
According to researcher Mel Monier, this difference has direct implications for the quality of relationships and individual experiences of intimacy. When communication is stigmatized, people are more likely to suppress their own needs, fears or boundaries. The result can be an intimacy that doesn't feel authentic, but rather like an expected performance.
The report also points out that this is not just an individual failing, but a wider cultural problem. The lack of open communication increases risks and creates an environment in which it is difficult to build healthy and respectful relationships.
One norm, many realities
Research also shows that the mainstream idea of relationships remains quite narrow: monogamous, heterosexual and "vanilla". For those who don't fit this model - be they queer people, people from kink communities, or those exploring ethical non-monogamy - this means having to constantly explain and defend their own way of life.
Jasmine Banks, another of the study's authors, points out the paradox this implies. Communities that emphasise communication, openness and conscious boundary-setting tend to be labelled 'alternative'. Conversely, more restrictive models are seen as the default standard.
This difference in perception then creates pressure not only on individuals, but also on the way relationships and sexuality are discussed in the public space.
Communities emerge even where they are not visible
Despite the persistent stigma, people are actively seeking ways to create safe and supportive environments. This is even in places where queer or kink communities are not visibly established.
Psychologist Janae Sayler, who participated in the research, describes how many respondents build their own "micro-communities" - often within their circles of friends. Some even become informal guides to whom others turn with questions about relationships or sexuality.
Digital platforms such as Feeld then often act as a first point of contact, according to the research. Users are not only looking for romantic or sexual partners, but also for a space to share experiences and build broader social connections.
Self-discovery as the new standard
The Reflections tool is part of the project to help users better understand their own preferences, boundaries and ideas about relationships. The guide, which takes approximately 30 minutes to complete, can be completed individually, with a partner or even with a group of friends.
The goal is not to define what is "right" but to offer language and space for self-definition. As Sayler explains, it is all about strengthening the ability to name one's own needs and gain confidence in them - without pressure from the environment or received ideas.
Normality as an illusion?
One of the main conclusions of the report is that what tends to be labelled as taboo is often just under-communicated. And what we think of as mainstream may not correspond to how people actually live.
Thus, Feeld does not come with the claim that there is one correct model of relationships or sexuality. Instead, he shows that diversity is a normal part of the human experience, even if it is not often talked about.
Indeed, if most people feel outside the norm in at least some ways, another interpretation is offered: perhaps the problem is not with individuals, but with the very idea that a universal norm exists at all.
