"I'm neither top nor bottom." There are more and more men on Grindr who identify as "side". Is this a new trend in the gay community?
You open Grindr, start scrolling through profiles and among the classic labels like top, bottom or versatile you suddenly come across something else. Side. A word that almost nobody used a few years ago, now shines quite confidently in some profiles.
When you start talking about it with friends, you'll find that it's no accident. One friend admits that he would actually describe himself that way too. Another will say that he was never really into anal sex, he just felt that "it's the way it's supposed to be". And another will add that there is finally a label that makes sense of what he has long felt but couldn't name.
The term side has become one of the most interesting topics in the gay community in recent years. It's not a new orientation or a fashion label. Rather, it's a way of naming the experience of a segment of men who have never quite identified with the traditional division between top and bottom. And it is through dating apps that this experience is coming more into the light.
An identity that has long had no name
The term "side" was first used by American psychotherapist Joe Kort back in 2013. He uses it to refer to gay men who prefer sexual intimacy without anal penetration. Instead, they prefer other forms of contact - kissing, touching, oral sex or mutual masturbation.
At first glance, this may sound like a detail, but in fact the term disrupts long-entrenched role divisions in gay culture. This is because it is often based on a rigid division between tops (assets) who penetrate and bottoms (passives) who are penetrated. This division has become an almost commonplace part of dating profiles and sexual fantasies.
For some men, however, this division has never been natural. "Side" thus doesn't really describe a new sexual practice, but rather a new language for something that has always been there.
Grindr as a place where the trend became visible
The turning point came the moment dating apps themselves started using the term. Grindr, the most well-known dating app for gay men, added it as a possible sexual preference in profiles in 2022, and within a short period of time, it started appearing more and more frequently.
What used to be more of a fringe term from discussion forums or therapy texts suddenly became part of the everyday reality of gay dating.
And that's where it became clear that this was not a small group of people. On the contrary - for many men, the label side has become a way to simply explain their preferences without complicated explanations. Just one word in a profile.
When reality doesn't meet expectations
For some gay men, the discovery of the term can be a surprisingly personal moment. Some foreign texts describe how people who identify as sides have long felt that they don't quite fit into gay culture.
Indeed, in pornography, dating sites, and casual conversations, it is often assumed that "typical" sex between men means just penetration. If someone is not attracted to this form of intimacy, they may feel that they are doing something wrong, or that their sexuality is not "gay enough."
That's why some men describe the moment they first encountered the term side as a kind of explanation. Suddenly they found that their experience was not an exception. It just hadn't been heard of before.
A generation that's less concerned with roles
Interestingly, the popularity of the term is growing at a time when the younger generation is becoming less and less attached to strict roles. Identity and sexuality are now more often seen as something fluid and individual. In this context, the label side can be seen as another step in changing the language people use to talk about sexuality. Instead of simple categories, there is room for nuance.
Perhaps there is nothing revolutionary about this. Maybe there's just a moment coming when people are starting to talk more openly about things that have always been there. Sex between men has never been about two roles. We've just been describing it for so long.
