"Now choose who you want!" Why we question bisexuality more than any other orientation
For many people, bisexuality sounds like a tempting bonus package. Attraction to both men and women? Double the chance of love, double the choice, "the best of both worlds." There is logic to this simplistic notion - but it misses the real experience of bisexual people. Often painfully so.
The reality is much more complex. And, paradoxically, often lonelier. Bisexual people have long described experiencing misunderstanding, suspicion and questioning - not just from the heterosexual majority, but within the LGBT+ community itself.
Yes - we gays and lesbians also have some catching up to do in this regard. Bisexuality is sometimes seen as a passing phase, as "you haven't got it sorted yet", as something that will be resolved in time with one proper coming out. We expect the person to "choose a side". And when he doesn't, we get nervous. Because it disrupts the system on which we have built our own identity.
But this need for clear boundaries is at the heart of the problem. Bisexual people have long been in a space where they have to defend their existence from both sides. They are "too queer" for the straight world, but at the same time "not queer enough" for parts of the LGBT+ community.
What does it actually mean to be bisexual?
At a basic level, bisexuality is described as being attracted to both men and women. But that definition is not enough today, and never really has been. Our understanding of sexuality and gender is evolving, and so is the language we use. And bisexuality shows just how much we have come to think in overly simplistic categories.
There is no one universal way to be bisexual. For some it means attraction to two genders in equal measure, for others in variable proportions. Someone is attracted to people across the gender spectrum, including trans, non-binary or gender non-conforming people. Others identify as pansexual but still feel closest to the label "bisexual."
The differences are not just in who we are drawn to, but also in what ways. Sexual and romantic attraction don't have to overlap. Someone may feel sexual desire for one gender and romantic closeness to the other. These nuances are not signs of confusion, but a natural part of the human experience.
"Is bisexuality even real?"
Yes. It is. And the fact that we keep asking that question is alarming in itself.
Bisexual people are routinely confronted with doubts about who they "really" are. They are given scenarios that they are actually gay men who are afraid to come out, or straight men who want to maintain their queer status. As if their own words weren't enough. As if their identity is a hypothesis waiting to be confirmed.
Such speculation is not innocent. Questioning one's identity undermines one's sense of safety, belonging, and self-worth. Sexuality is not a public conundrum or something that others have a right to analyze. No one has the right to decide who another is simply because their experience disrupts a comfortable binary.
Perhaps it is appropriate to ask a different question: why does bisexuality make us so nervous? What does it take away from us to admit that attraction doesn't have to be one-way? And what does it say about our own relationship to identity and control?
Biphobia exists. And it's not marginal
Biphobia - that is, negative attitudes towards bisexual people - is not just manifested in outright rejection or aggression. More common is its subtle, everyday form: belittling, erasure, ironic remarks, constant questioning. Phrases like "so you choose", "it's just a phase" or "when you're with a man, you'll be gay" may sound trite, but in effect they create an environment in which bisexuality is never taken as a final, stable identity.
Bisexual people often describe having difficulty forming long-term relationships, both with heterosexual and homosexual partners. They are suspected of indecisiveness, lack of commitment or increased promiscuity. Prejudices that have no basis in reality, yet shape the way they are treated by those around them.
What makes it all the more painful is that these attitudes often come from within the LGBT+ community. Despite struggling with prejudice and misunderstanding herself, bisexuality is often seen as 'less clear', 'less authentic'. As if the queer experience has to meet certain criteria to be valid.
Having to constantly prove who I am
A specific experience of bisexual people is the so-called maintenance of identity. While gay and lesbian people usually go through coming out and gradually their identity becomes a stable part of how they are perceived by those around them, bisexual people have to reaffirm their identity over and over again.
If they are in a relationship with a person of the opposite sex, they are automatically considered heterosexual. If with a person of the same sex, they "cross over" into the gay or lesbian category in the eyes of those around them. Their bisexuality becomes invisible, and with it their experience.
A typical example of this is celebrities who come out about their bisexuality, but are then expected by the public to affirm it on a regular basis. As if one confession were not enough. As if identity is only valid until the next relationship.
Why do we still need evidence?
In recent years, studies have emerged that measurably confirm the sexual attraction of bisexual men to multiple genders. For many bisexual people, this has elicited more of an ironic smile than a sense of satisfaction. After all, they've known all their lives.
And yet, these studies have significance. Not because bisexuality needs to be legitimized by science, but because society still refuses to take it seriously, especially among men. Science here functions as a tool against erasure. Just as it has helped destigmatize homosexuality in the past by claiming that it is not a choice but an innate orientation, it can help make bisexuality more visible today.
But sexuality is not just a matter of attraction. Current models work with multiple dimensions - attraction, identity and behaviour. No study can deny who a person feels they are. If we judge bisexuality only by relationships or sexual history, we will always erase someone: people who are not out, even those who have had relationships with only one sex.
The problem is not bisexuality. The problem is our need for simplicity
Bisexuality is no more complicated than other sexual orientations. It just disrupts the comfortable binary system we've come to think in. A world where everyone is either straight or gay. A world that categorizes well but reflects reality poorly.
Bisexual people are breaking that system. Not because they are unclear or indecisive, but because they remind us that human sexuality is a spectrum, not a switch.
As long as we force bisexuality to constantly explain, defend, and prove its own existence, we will fail. Not just as a majority society, but as a queer community that has long known how painful it is when someone refuses to believe you for who you really are.
