"I wanted my baby to have two loving moms," says gay man who decided to donate sperm to his girlfriends
The decision to help loved ones become parents can take many forms. For the man, who speaks on condition of anonymity in this interview, it meant accepting the role of biological donor for two of his longtime friends - a lesbian couple who longed for a child. The idea, which initially sounded more like hyperbole during one of their evening conversations, gradually turned into a thoughtful decision by three people who trusted each other and wanted to find a way to parent together outside the traditional model.
The respondent chose to speak anonymously primarily to protect the privacy of the child and the family. Debates about queer parenting often evoke strong emotions in Czech society and he does not want their personal story to become a target of public judgments or unsolicited attention. In the interview, he openly describes how the whole idea came about, what doubts and practical issues the three of them had to deal with, and how he now perceives his role in the life of the child who came into the world thanks to their unusual but well-thought-out decision.
How did it happen that you found yourself in a situation where you started thinking about donating sperm to two friends? It's not exactly a common life scenario.
Admittedly, if someone had told me that ten years ago, I probably would have laughed it off. I've known the girls for a long time. We met through mutual friends in Prague and gradually started seeing each other more and more often. It became a really close friendship. The two have been a couple for many years now and they have been talking about having a child since the beginning, they just saw it as something that is quite difficult in the Czech Republic for a long time. When you listen to their experiences - the legal uncertainties, the medical system, the prejudices - you understand that it's not an easy decision.
Do you remember the moment when the idea that you could be a donor first came up?
Yes, quite accurately. We were sitting over wine one evening and talking quite openly about how they could do it, and we came to the conclusion that they would actually think it would be nice if the child had some connection to their biological lineage. And at that point, one of us - I think one of them - half-jokingly said, "What about you?" But over the next few months, we started coming back to it. It was no longer a joke, but a real possibility.
How did you react to the idea when you realized he was serious?
The first reaction was actually very contradictory. On the one hand, I was touched because it's a huge vote of confidence. It's not just a biological thing, it's a decision that can affect the lives of everyone involved. On the other hand, I had a lot of questions. I wondered how my relationship with my child would evolve, if it would change our friendship, if I would be able to respect boundaries. You also realise that in the Czech Republic the legislation is not fully prepared for such situations, so it's not just an emotional decision, but also a very practical thing.
And how long did you think about it before you said a definitive yes?
I would say it took several months. It wasn't an impulsive decision. We talked about it a lot - sometimes for hours at a time. We dealt with scenarios like: what if they move to another city one day, what if I have a partner who doesn't agree, what if our relationship changes. These conversations were actually very important because they helped us clarify our expectations. In the end, I realized that the move made sense precisely because there was trust between us.
Did you tell your family about the decision?
Yes, I did. I didn't want them to find out by accident or later. The reactions were different. Some family members were very open about it and said it was actually a nice gesture. Others were more concerned. For example, they asked if it would be difficult for me psychologically one day, or if I would regret not being a classic parent. I think those questions are legitimate. People just don't often imagine that parenthood can take many forms.
What about friends? Have you encountered a negative reaction?
Negative may not be quite the right word, but there's definitely been some distrust. Some friends said they would never do it because they were afraid of complications. Others wondered if I was actually "losing my baby". But I don't see it that way. It was clear from the beginning that the parents would be the two of them.
You mentioned the legal side. In the Czech context, it's a rather complicated subject. How did you deal with it?
That was one of the most important parts of the whole process. We consulted with a lawyer because Czech law is not completely set up for situations like this. In practice, the way it works is that the child automatically has one legal parent - the mother who gives birth to it. The other partner in the lesbian couple then has to become the parent afterwards. It was important for us to make it clear that I am not the legal parent and that the parental role belongs to them.
What was the process of conception itself like? Did you go through the clinic?
Yes, we wanted everything to be safe and transparent. I had medical tests, just like they did. The clinic handled the medical side of things, which was actually reassuring because we knew everything was going according to the rules. It wasn't an anonymous process - we were all involved. The whole process was done abroad.
You talked a lot about borders. What did that mean in practice?
It meant that we were open about who expected what. For example, how often we would see each other, how we would talk about the whole situation in front of others and especially in front of the child. We agreed that we didn't want any secrets. The child should know how he came into the world. But we also want it to be clear that he has two mothers who are his parents.
How did you feel the moment you found out the pregnancy was successful?
It was very emotional. I remember one of them calling me and saying, "So we got a positive test." At that moment I felt a great sense of joy, but at the same time I felt very humbled. Suddenly you realize that it's not some abstract idea. It's a new life that has been created because of you.
Weren't you worried that you would form a strong bond with the baby and that it would be complicated for you?
I've often wondered about that question. I think every person should. But at the same time, I was aware that relationships can't be planned like an Excel spreadsheet. We can set a framework, but emotions evolve. The important thing is that we kept the lines of communication open from the beginning.
How do you see your role in your child's life today?
I'm not a parent in the everyday sense. I'm not the one who deals with daycare or the doctor or getting up at night. But at the same time, I'm not an anonymous donor. We are part of that child's life - we see each other, we spend time together. I would say I'm like a close family friend who has a special relationship with the child.
How do the people around you react when they learn how your "family" works?
The reactions are often surprisingly positive. Sometimes people have a lot of questions at the beginning because they can't imagine it. But when they see that the child is growing up in a loving environment and that the relationships work, most of the fears disappear.
The debate about queer parenting in the Czech Republic is often very political. How do you personally feel about it?
I feel that sometimes real stories are missing from these debates. They talk about ideologies, about laws, but less about specific people. The reality is much more ordinary. It's just people who want to raise a child and give them a good life.
Has this whole decision changed you personally?
Yes, quite fundamentally. It made me think about what responsibility means and what family means. It made me realise that sometimes family is not only formed by biological ties, but above all by the relationships and decisions of people who want to be part of each other's lives.
Looking back today, would you make the same decision again?
I would. It wasn't always easy and it required a lot of communication and trust. But when I see the new life that has come out of it all and how happy the two women are, I feel like it was all deeply meaningful. And that's something that stays with you.
