"I had two mothers. One kind and one drunk." Iveta's story shows what it's like to grow up with an addicted parent and why children of alcoholics learn to save others before themselves
The Branice sanatorium is a place where people come in a life crisis - most often because of addictions. The first private sanatorium for overcoming addiction in the Czech Republic was founded fourteen years ago by Monika Plocová, an addictologist and therapist. She herself has personal experience with addiction, and it was this experience that led her to the decision to help others find a way out. After years of working at the Bohnice Psychiatric Hospital and founding the Alma Aftercare Centre, she created a space where she works with clients individually, in depth - not only on the addiction itself, but also on its causes.
One of the stories opened up at Branický sanatorium is the story of Iveta. Today she is thirty-six, has three sons and a quiet life. But until a few years ago, she carried the weight of a childhood spent alongside an alcohol-addicted mother.
"I had two mothers. One kind - and one drunk."
Iveta grew up in a family that outwardly seemed functional. Her parents loved her, she lacked nothing materially. "By the age of six, I felt love and emotional security," she says today. But then she began to notice that her mother was not the same.
"I actually had two moms - the one I loved and the weird one. The weird mom didn't notice me, she was slow, apathetic, slept a lot and had a pungent, unpleasant smell coming from her. My beloved mother was energetic, cheerful, kind and incredibly helpful. It was strange how quickly these two mothers changed."
Escape to Grandma's and silence at home
She ran away from her "weird" mom to her grandma and grandpa. There she felt safe. As the years passed, she understood that "weird" meant drunk. And she began to hate her. "Many times I felt like slapping her. It sounds awful, but it was helpless. I couldn't stand it."
Iveta took responsibility for her four-years-younger sister. She tried to protect her, reassure her, lie to her that everything was fine. "Her father worked as a professional soldier and was often away. When he came home, he wanted peace. "He didn't want to hear anything, he didn't want to talk about my mother. He didn't even want to see the evidence in the form of bottles that my sister and I found hidden everywhere. I felt terribly alone."
Cancer, fear and empty bottles
When Iveta was 18, doctors diagnosed her mother with breast cancer. "It was the worst time of my life. She was withering before my eyes. I went with her to chemotherapy sessions, shaved her falling hair, gave her injections in her stomach. And yet we kept finding empty bottles. I was afraid she was going to die. I still feel that fear today."
Mom survived cancer. The addiction didn't. The drinking came back in cycles - one minute she was "loved," the next she was "weird." "I had no choice but to learn to live with that fear for her."
When the baby was born and the break came
It wasn't until her relationship with her partner that Iveta was able to shift the focus from her mother to herself. She fell in love. But her mother's drinking didn't stop, and sometimes grew stronger - as if it was demanding her attention again.
The turning point came when Iveta's first son was born. Her mother then suffered delirium tremens. "She wanted to jump out of the window, she was hallucinating, she was driven by voices. It lasted all night. I was on the phone with my sister, who lived with my mother. I was home with the baby. I didn't arrive until the morning with the ambulance."
She remembers that day in detail. "I told my mom I couldn't do it anymore. And that if she continued like this, she wouldn't see her grandson." The mother decided to enter addiction treatment. She completed it - and hasn't drunk since.
Today, Iveta is thirty-six. Her eldest son is nine years old. His grandmother has been abstinent for the same length of time. "She's a great grandmother. I've forgiven her. I understood her. It wasn't easy. There are scars on my soul that I'm trying to heal gradually."
"Children of alcoholics learn to be adults too early."
According to Monika Plocova, Iveta's story is typical of children growing up in families with addiction. "During her childhood, Iveta was forced to take responsibility for her sister and the running of the family, which her mother was no longer able to manage due to her alcoholism," she explains. "Both daughters were put in the position of co-dependents. Their lives were narrowed down to dealing with the problems around their mother's drinking. The father shut down and stopped functioning in the family."
According to Ploc, codependency often prevents children from even perceiving their own needs. "Adult children of alcoholics come into therapy with feelings of excessive responsibility, mistrust, insecurity about who they are. They don't understand their lives. They experience strong, alternating emotions - or suppress them. It is only in adulthood, in therapy and through their own self-development, that they let go of their great fear for others and for themselves and begin to find their own way."
Iveta worked on herself therapeutically for three years. "Gradually, we processed what she carried from her childhood - the feeling that she was responsible for others, that she had to manage everything," says Plocova. Iveta later divorced and shortly afterwards met a new partner.
Her story shows that recovery is not just about the addict. The consequences of addiction are often borne by those who grew up with it. And that the way out is sometimes through the moment when a person first says: I can't anymore. And starts thinking about himself.
