"On drugs, you often don't get up at all," says the man, who describes the physical and psychological effects of chemsex without exaggeration
Chemsex, the combination of drugs and sex, is a concept that rarely appears in the media and in the public sphere, which makes the personal testimony of a person who has chosen to speak openly about his or her experience all the more important. The following interview was conducted with a respondent who does not wish to give his name and charts his journey from his first encounter with drugs during sex through a relationship in which chemsex has become a normal part of intimacy.
This text is not intended to encourage anyone to use drugs or promote chemsex in any way. It aims to offer a glimpse into one particular reality - including the risks that this way of experiencing sexuality entails. Anyone experiencing or considering such practices should consider the possible consequences very carefully and have as much information as possible.
When did you first try chemsex and what was it like for you?
I first tried chemsex last year, in May, with my ex-partner. It was on the very first date. I went into it very openly, without a lot of expectations. We saw each other for the first time, we were drinking, we were already a bit drunk and he invited me to his house. While we were there, he offered me that he also had drugs - specifically mephedrone, MDMA and GHB.
Have you had experience with drugs before? Like at a party?
I had experience with cocaine. And it was a long time ago, so I don't really remember what it was like.
What was your first night of chemsex like?
The main thing I remember from that night was that we had a lot of lines and we snorted a lot. Then he also offered me GHB to drip into my drink - and that's what I was most afraid of. But I was already drunk, full of dopamine, open to everything. Plus, at that time, I felt a strong urge to try new things. When the offer came, I saw it as an opportunity.
Weren't you worried that your partner-to-be at the time would hurt you? After all, he was basically a stranger to you.
A lot of people would have been scared, but because I was already drunk, that fear went away. At that time I was generally very open to new experiences, I wanted to try things I hadn't tried before.
I had read up on the other drugs, but GHB seemed more dangerous. I'd heard all kinds of stories about how it's easy to overdose on and can put a person to sleep. Eventually, though, he slipped it into my drink and I agreed. At the same time, he was very open and told me to tell him everything - if I was dizzy, unwell or uncomfortable.
Did you realise how risky GHB was?
Yes, I knew that there was a terribly low tolerance for it and that the line between "okay" and in trouble was very thin. That it could kill you. I respected that, but I still said "why not". I remember we had sex all night. Actually, I don't even remember when it ended. The next day I felt more like I was hungover, but not extremely so. I don't remember feeling anything significantly uncomfortable.
Did it continue after that?
Yes, it continued. We continued after that. We had sex repeatedly, mostly with the same drugs. As I got to know him more, he told me he mostly only had sex on drugs. I wondered if it worked without them - if the sex was just as good, or if the drugs played a major role. In the end, it turned out that it worked without them, but chemsex became the dominant part of the relationship.
How long did this regimen work?
It went on like that for about three to four months. It was purely about chemsex.
So you only had normal sex on rare occasions?
Yeah, we did. Mostly it was always drug-related.
How did that affect you?
I was diagnosed with cancer at the time, and I was having chemotherapy, so I was going through a very difficult time. I didn't really worry too much about what was happening to me, but at the same time I was feeling a certain numbness and I wasn't so concerned about whether I was going to take the drugs or not. Gradually it got to the point where I wasn't even going to work. We were taking time off, thinking we'd be at home together, doing drugs and having sex. I kind of blew off work, but that was partly because I was sick.
What do drugs actually do to you when you have sex?
From my point of view, the most important thing is that sex lasts a long time. I feel like it never ends. The lust is always the same, you just keep going and going and it feels like it could go on forever.
How long are we talking about?
It's individual, depending on who you're with. When I was with my partner, we stretched it out a lot. It wasn't uncommon for it to go on for, like, 15 hours.
And what do drugs do to you?
Unfortunately, there are more negatives than positives. Like the fact that you often don't get high on drugs. Erections just don't work the way they're supposed to unless the other person is extremely stimulating. This is why the erection ring is most often used, but it's usually not enough on its own. A lot of people reach for Viagra or Kamagra. Mainly because sex lasts a long time and after ten or twelve hours the body is tired, so it's artificially stimulated. The other big disadvantage is that you don't feel like going to the toilet. You know you need to pee, but you can't. You can sit on drugs for half an hour and nothing. At orgies, it's often not an issue at all because the toilets are always occupied and you just can't do it in that state.
Has it ever been a problem for you? That you knew you needed to, but you couldn't?
Sometimes, yeah, but it's usually solved by going to the bathroom with someone else. You run some water, you talk, you try to relax. The bigger problem is that when you do, you get interrupted or distracted.
So I suppose it's essential to stay hydrated.
Drinking is absolutely essential. For your body, but also because it helps you to be able to pee in the first place. For some substances, like GHB, drinking is really important - this stuff dehydrates you a lot and often makes you sweat a lot, so you need to flush it out of your body faster.
At the same time, your mouth is so dry on drugs. You're always licking your lips, you don't have any saliva, and when you kiss someone, it's even worse. If you don't drink, you get chapped lips, aphthae, and a lot of the time you get a cold sore - more so at an orgy, cause of contact with multiple people. That's why you need to drink a lot and regularly.
As well as chemsex, you seek out orgies. What attracts you to them?
In general terms, I guess the fact that I can share myself with more people and try more things at once. A lot depends on preference - whether you're more passive or active. If you're more passive, you can let other people control you, they can do pretty much anything with you. If you're active, on the other hand, you get to choose who you have sex with and who you dominate. But I think the best people are versatile because you can combine both.
Does chemsex combined with an orgy have an effect on stamina?
Yes, significantly. More people, longer stamina, more things to do. Plus, everyone reacts to drugs a little differently, but when everyone's using similar substances, they kind of "tune in" to each other. There's a feeling that everybody wants everybody.
How do you work with the risks in chemsex? I'm thinking mostly of the psychological "highs" and the longer-term effects. Do you consciously take breaks?
For me, it's maybe a little problematic in that I hardly ever have a finish. I do it quite often, so my body and head have gotten used to it and the conditions are not as pronounced. For people who are just starting out or don't experience it regularly, though, the finishes can be very uncomfortable. It's not so much about the physical condition, it's more about the psyche. It's hard to describe - it's not a pain in the body, but a feeling that the world is suddenly terribly meaningless, with no purpose. Dopamine and other substances that the body runs on during chemsex disappear.
Is there anything that can be done about it?
Yes, it should be addressed during chemsex. Maybe by drinking ionic drinks or coconut water, which also has ionic content, so that the drop isn't so steep. And then after that - replenishing most of the vitamins and minerals, going out in the sun, so that the body replenishes its reserves as quickly as possible and one doesn't feel so bad.
Have you ever had a really bad commute?
Yes, the worst finish I've had was after crystal - well, after crystal meth, it's the same thing, just used in slang. Sex lasted almost 24 hours, or rather we were awake for 24 hours. It was combined with other drugs and the high lasted a week. I was terribly sad, I felt like I was doing everything wrong, that there was something wrong with me.
And did you ever get downright sick while you were taking drugs?
Well, to make a long story short, no. And to elaborate, it depends a lot on the mindset. It's about your state of mind, what you're going into it with, and how your head is aligned. If you're going through some shit or you're not mentally right, I wouldn't recommend it at all. My mindset was that I was doing it for fun and enjoyment. I haven't had any downright bad conditions because of it. It was more like experimenting with combinations of drugs and trying to see what worked together.
Can you tell if your use has turned into some form of addiction?
That's a good question. I think about it a lot, especially when I'm dealing with friends. I wouldn't say I'm addicted to drugs directly, but more to the feeling.
Could you imagine classic sex without drugs?
Yes, I can imagine it. A lot depends on the other person. If I could find someone who could fulfill my desires and fetishes without drugs, it's realistic. I'm not saying chemsex would cease to exist for me forever, but if I had a partner who could satisfy me and fulfill my needs sober, I'd take it. But at the same time, I imagine it would remain for me as an occasional diversion.
Doesn't that make "regular" sex less appealing than drug sex?
If a man can satisfy me in a way that makes me feel a similar sense of fulfillment to chemsex, I don't need drugs. I can do it without them.
Is there anything else you'd like to try? Either a combination of drugs or some kind of sexual experience?
More like a bigger gangbang. I'm not really used to small groups, so I'd be tempted to do something on a bigger scale.
How big? Are we talking dozens of people?
Hundreds. Realistically, I've seen it through orgy-oriented apps. It works similar to ordering food - you pick a theme, the number of people, whether it's indoors or outdoors, what type of event it is. The menus range from five people to easily five hundred, which is absolutely brutal. I'm definitely tempted by something like that. I'm generally very open to things, so I'd be open to trying other fetishes. I'm not really into "dirty practices" but everything else I can imagine.
For example?
Like bondage or various body-slam practices. I'm a very contact type, I like touch, so I'm not sure how long I could last tied up or completely unmoving though.
Doesn't having sex with multiple people make you afraid of STDs?
It's a topic that's always there. Drugs are a big minus in that regard - when you're high, you lose your inhibitions and clear boundaries. That makes it all the more important to think about your own safety first and foremost, but also to choose the people you go with carefully. Most people who practice chemsex today are on PrEP. Still, it's very individual, person to person. There is no one-size-fits-all model.
Editor's note: PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) is a preventive treatment that, when taken regularly, greatly reduces the risk of contracting HIV. PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis), on the other hand, is an emergency treatment that can be given after risky contact, usually within 72 hours.
PrEP does not protect against other sexually transmitted diseases.
This is true. I have to say, fortunately, that's never happened to me. Even when I've had sex with multiple people at once, sometimes I don't think about it the way I should. In retrospect, I realize that there was levity - and that I should have been more careful. A lot of extra diseases can go completely symptom-free, so regular testing is essential. I go for tests regularly and take it as a necessity.
