"I blocked him immediately. I couldn't believe it," says a gay man who discovered his own father on a gay dating app
Recently I met a young man who told me a story that I could not fully prepare for. What most people would consider a nightmare happened to him - he found out that his father was active on gay dating sites. While going through a period of searching and doubt himself, he downloaded the app Grindr, designed for gay and bisexual men. He began texting an anonymous profile with no photo, who sent him a few photos after a few days of conversation. The moment he opened them, he says his blood ran cold - he recognized his father in them.
"I was a teenager at the time, about 17. I was exploring who I was and wanted to meet people who were like me. The profile seemed normal, likeable, we wrote about normal things. It didn't say how old he was. When he sent me the pictures, it took me a few seconds to realize who I was looking at. And then I just felt a huge shock," says the man, whose name I'm not giving at his request, "I immediately blocked him. I felt like something I had taken for granted all my life was breaking down. That I knew my dad."
When the world turns upside down
Finding out that the man who raised you may be living a double life hits deeper than it might seem. "It was terribly strange. On the one hand, I found it disgusting because I was his son, and I didn't know how to handle it at all. But at the same time, I also felt pity. I imagined how long he must have been bottling it up, what he must have been bottling up," he says.
His father and mother were no longer alive at the time, having divorced several years earlier. The man now has a girlfriend, whom the son assumes is unaware of his activity on gay apps. "I never talked to him about it. I was convinced it had to remain unspoken between us. Maybe because we've never been very close. But since then, there's been something between us that's hard to describe," he says.
Silence instead of confrontation
A conversation on the subject with his father never took place. "I know if I opened up, it would hurt him. He would have denied it, or he would have broken down. And I wouldn't have gained anything from it."
Although several years have passed since the incident, the man admits that his relationship with his father has never been the same since. "You can't forget it. When I see him with his girlfriend, the image from that app always pops into my head. But I don't feel any resentment anymore. It's more like understanding. I think he just could never allow himself to be himself."
Trapped in his own time
But stories like this come up more often than one might think. The generation of men who grew up under the communist regime came of age at a time when homosexuality was viewed with great disgust and openly coming out could have serious consequences - social, professional and familial. As a result, many stayed in heterosexual relationships, had children, and yet sought a space where they could be themselves.
"In retrospect, I don't think he was a bad person. He just grew up in a time when he couldn't have it any other way. I never heard him talk about his feelings, his relationships or his sexuality. Those things weren't discussed in our house. And now it makes sense to me."
The fine line between understanding and pain
There is a mixture of tension, empathy and resignation in his narrative. "I thought about it for a long time. I didn't know if I had the right to be angry or if I should feel sorry for him. In the end, I came to the conclusion that both might be true. I'm angry that he kept things from us his whole childhood, and I also understand why he did it," he says.
His coming to terms with the whole situation didn't come overnight. "It took me years before I was able to talk to anyone about it. It wasn't because I was ashamed of him, it was more that I was afraid someone wouldn't understand."
Today, he says he no longer feels anger or the need to dwell on things. "Sometimes when we're together, I feel like telling him I know. But then I tell myself there's no need. That maybe just by not saying it, I'm actually giving him space to be at peace. I know he's got it in him, and I know he's carried it his whole life. The fact that we keep quiet about it is maybe my form of respect." "But at the same time, I wish he could be with someone who sees him for who he really is sometimes," he concludes.
