"Filming gave me confidence, but it also taught me that the body is not everything," says Matěj, who has starred in several gay adult films
He is 29 years old, now working in a completely different field, and he talks about his past with unexpected openness. Matěj - his name has been changed at the request of the interviewee, but his identity is known to the editors - was one of the young men who went through the world of gay porn a few years ago. He filmed mostly for a famous Central European studio, but his experience extends beyond the Czech Republic. Today, for the first time, he openly describes why he got into filmmaking, his relationship to his own sexuality, and what this chapter of his life has given and taken from him.
The text is the first part of a new LUI series that brings testimonies of Czech gay porn actors - both active and those who have left the industry. In the next parts we will also focus on the production behind the scenes and the impact of porn on society, relationships and psyche.
Matěj was 20 at the time. He was studying at university in Brno, living in a dormitory and dealing with what most of his peers were dealing with - how to make ends meet. "I didn't want to do something that would suck me dry, and a friend of mine told me in passing that he was shooting for a studio and would be happy to recommend me. I laughed at first, but the little worm remained in my head," he says with a slight smile. A few weeks later, he was on a train to Bratislava. A casting call awaited him, which he didn't know much about at the time. "I was nervous, but the people there were nice, professional. They took some photos, asked me about my preferences, experience, health. Nothing that scared me. Within a week, I heard back that I was hired."
He got to his first shoot almost immediately. "I remember the feeling when I first stood naked in front of the camera. Lights everywhere, crew, someone giving you instructions. It was a shock, but after a while I got used to it. I was playing a role, and paradoxically it was liberating. Maybe because I was used to hiding who I was."
Freedom and pressure
Filming, in his own words, gave him above all a sense of security. "I gained confidence. Suddenly I felt desirable, attractive, someone was praising me. And of course money played a role in it. I got as much in one day as it would otherwise have taken me months to earn."
At first, he saw it as an adventure - a job that had its rules, but also its limits. "I filmed for about two years, mostly for one particular studio. We had regular tests, they were professional, it wasn't chaotic. But at the same time, it wasn't a job you could do long-term. Eventually you start to feel that it wears you down mentally."
In fact, apart from the physical demands, the pressure came from a completely different side. "You have to be always in shape, always positive, always ready. And that slowly starts to wear you down. One shoot after another, hours of preparation, sometimes you don't feel well, but the cameras have to keep rolling. You lose touch with yourself."
Love as a breakthrough
Matěj ended up quitting at 25. "I started dating a guy who knew about it, but he took it hard. He felt I was sharing that intimacy with someone else, even though it was just a job for me. And for the first time in my life, I wanted a normal relationship."
He made the decision to quit filming for good when he realized he had stopped getting to know himself. "Suddenly I felt I was no longer a person, but a product. That my worth was measured by how I looked and what I could do in front of the camera. And that was something I didn't want anymore."
The biggest test, however, was the reaction of the family. "My mom found out by accident. Someone sent it to her. She cried. She didn't know how to handle it, she was worried about me. It took us years to sort it out. Today, she sees it as part of my past that just shaped me somehow."
Hypocrites and fame at the click of a button
When talking about the Czech Republic and Slovakia, he uses words like "hypocrisy" and "double face". Everybody watches it, but few people admit to it. And when someone finds out you've been filming it, they make you a pariah. We're just special in that way."
Interestingly, even years later, the past sometimes comes back to him - like when his former films resurface on social media. "Every now and then someone writes to me: 'Hey, isn't that you?' Sometimes I'm amused, sometimes I get tired of it. But I don't worry about it anymore. I'm somewhere else."
Today, he works in marketing, and most of his colleagues don't know about the past. "And maybe that's a good thing. I don't want people to define me by what I did in my 20s. Everyone has a past - this one was just a little more visible."
Porn as a mirror
When I ask him if this experience has given him anything, he ponders. "It taught me not to be afraid of people and my own body. It taught me that sex is part of life, but it's not everything. And that what looks like freedom at first can also be a trap."
He admits that he does look at porn nowadays - but from a completely different perspective. "I see the technique, the editing, the lighting, the work of the director. I can't just see it as erotica. Rather, I look at how it's done by those who come in today with a completely different mindset than we did back then."
For young guys entering the industry today, he has a clear message, "Don't do it out of necessity. If they want to try it, they should be firm in themselves and have a plan for what's next. The internet doesn't forget anything. And at thirty you may regret things that seemed like fun at nineteen."
Closed chapter
The porn experience took away a few relationships, but gave him the ability to look at himself without pretense. "Today, I'm not ashamed anymore. I have no regrets. Rather, I wish people understood that porn actors are not deviants, but often just regular guys trying to survive or finding a way to be themselves. Porn has given me confidence, but it has also taught me that the body is not everything," he concludes.
