"Nobody asks heterosexual couples how they conceived a baby," says Eliška K., who is raising a child with her partner
Starting a rainbow family means embarking on a journey that is beautiful, but often winding. It's not just about deciding to have a child, but also navigating the legalities, choosing the right way to conceive, having open conversations with those around you, and above all, finding support in a community of people who are dealing with similar issues. This is why Prague Pride Parenting Prep exists - a two-day program that helps queer people and couples navigate the process, get practical information and a space to share their concerns and experiences. Eliška K. explains how such a preparation takes place, what it offers to the participants and what emotions often accompany the first steps towards parenthood. She is now raising a child with her partner and is actively involved in the organisation of the preparation - not only as a coordinator, but also as someone who has personally experienced the whole process.
Do you remember the moment when you and your partner said you wanted to start a family together?
I've always wanted to have a child. When I met my partner, it was love at first sight. I wanted us to be clear about that at the beginning of our relationship. So she knew that I wanted to have kids and if it was okay for her. For me, it was a priority, but at the same time, over the years, I've considered what I would do if she didn't feel the same way - whether I would want to go it alone or give up on the dream instead. In our relationship, it was mainly me who gradually expanded that desire, while my partner was initially rather reticent on the subject. She wanted to finish school first, then work for a while and provide for us financially. When she met her goals, we agreed that it was time to talk more about the topic and start looking for options.
And how did parent prep fit into your decision?
I already knew about Parent Prep because, coincidentally, my wife and I run an initiative called Lesbotoč, where we organize events mostly for the lesbian and queer community. I am also around Prague Pride, so I knew the coordinator of the pre-school, Tereza Kadlecová. We worked together, for example, on speed dating for rainbow families. The moment the topic of family started to be relevant for us, I signed up for one of the preps. Unfortunately, it didn't end up taking place then and I wanted to start acting as soon as possible, so I started gathering information elsewhere.
I got in touch with a family from a friend who shared all the necessary information with me. That was the key for me. I learned what to prepare - for example, powers of attorney before the birth - and how the whole process works. I was very nervous during this, but their experience put me at ease.
Before we get to the actual preparation, I'd like to ask you a more personal question. Same-sex couples don't yet have the option of conceiving a child naturally, but there are several alternatives. Which one did you and your partner choose?
I don't think this should be a common question in society - after all, no one asks heterosexual couples exactly how they conceived a child either. It's a stigma that persists among us.
But at the same time, of course, it's an important topic for the community. Originally, we planned to try the simplest option - home conception with a known donor. But things didn't turn out as easily as we thought they would, partly because of my health complications. So our path to parenthood eventually led through an assisted reproduction clinic using the IVF method (using an anonymous donor).
Does this come with any financial hurdles?
Yes, there are of course financial costs associated with this decision, which are eliminated with natural conception. It was necessary to prepare for them. IVF represents the highest degree of burden - both financial and medical. The hormonal stimulation itself is not pleasant for the woman. The whole process is challenging for all who go through it - whether they are egg donors, heterosexual women, or couples like us. It's not a path one would choose as a first option if they didn't have to. But in our case, that path presented itself.
The prep program covers a wide range of topics - from planning to legal aspects. Which part was most important to you?
When I was already participating in the preparation as a coordinator, the most important thing for me was the sharing of information. The preparation programme is well constructed, so we really touch on a lot of topics.
Over the course of one day, participants hear about the expectations of others, professional topics, and stories of real gay and lesbian families who already have children. Each year we choose different guests to hear different journeys and experiences. For example, if there are multiple people interested in adoption, we look for adoptive parents. When there are more people planning IVF, guests with that experience come in. Sharing is the most important part - people who don't know what they're getting into at the beginning realize through others that they can do it. The paths are different, but in the end there is usually a longed-for baby and a shared desire to create a family.
I feel that when a gay couple decides to have a child, they are really ready for it. It's not something that "happened to us by accident". By the time the decision is made, there is already a strong background and love. Our goal is to expand that family, enrich it with a child, and give them everything they need.
Are there more male couples participating in the preparations, or female couples?
Usually it's about half and half, sometimes more female couples. But, for example, the very first prep school in 2015 had a majority of male couples.
What legal problems do you face as same-sex parents? In the Czech Republic, for example, joint adoption by same-sex couples is still not possible. Do you also address these issues in your preparations?
Yes. In one of the sessions, we invite a lawyer or a female lawyer to answer questions from the participants and also raise other important topics. With adoptions, the situation is quite complex because the legal framework requires a double process. My wife and I entered into a partnership precisely so that she could adopt my biological child and ensure legal certainty for both him and us. In our case, it is a single parent adoption, which is legally less complicated because we only go through it once. But with adoptive parents, the process can be significantly more difficult - only one partner can adopt the child at first, and then the other partner has to go through the exact same procedure again. This is exhausting not only for the whole family, but also for the authorities and the courts, who are unnecessarily burdened by this procedure.
What other obstacles do same-sex couples face in practice?
People come to the pre-school who are either already firmly decided that they want to have a child or are still seeking the necessary information to make a decision. However, there is still a strongly entrenched idea in society of what a 'full' family should look like and the stigma attached to it. This can make some couples hesitant to go down this route at all, because they perceive it as too complicated - legally, socially and personally. Moreover, the adoption system is not set up to truly protect the interests of the child and reflect the diversity of families that exist today.
Will the participants also learn how to work with children later on when they are older?
For example, how to explain to them that they have two dads or two mums, or how to talk about it in the school team? Yes, we also touch on this area during the preparation. The programme includes a session on coming out for parents and children, as well as everyday situations that rainbow families may experience - from communicating with extended family to the nursery or school environment.
Since most participants are in the family planning stage, we focus primarily on issues related to the actual beginning of the parenting journey. However, we open the topic of raising older children and their functioning in a collective in the context of sharing experiences, inspirations from practice and examples from existing rainbow families. Our goal is to provide participants not only with theoretical information, but also with sensitive tools to talk about these topics with their children and the environment when the time comes.
What advice would you give to a couple who is thinking about starting a family? What to prepare for?
Mainly have a steady nerve. Childcare and parenting are equally challenging for everyone. It's important to realize that you're not alone in this and raising a child is a journey that you can never be 100% prepared for. One never knows exactly what lies ahead and in what direction the child will develop. It all depends on the nature, characters and circumstances. And this is the same for both heterosexual and queer families. We end up dealing with the same joys and problems.
Sometimes the stigma can be perceived by the parents of the parents, i.e. potential future grandparents who grew up in a different era. How did that work for you? Did your parents take it well that you would be raising a child with a woman?
As with any coming out, it was a longer journey. My partner and I have been together for seven years and when we started planning for a baby, we had five years of relationship behind us. So my parents knew it would happen one day and gradually accepted it. My mom is such a typical "grandmother". I'm her only daughter between two brothers, so she always expected to have a grandchild someday. When we announced we were having a baby, it was more important to her than anything else.
This June, we had our wedding, and Mom was thrilled. She has finally gotten along with my wife, watches our young son and addresses us both in front of him the way we are set up - moms. I asked her about her acceptance and she admitted that it wasn't easy for her, but she still tried to understand me and finally accepted us naturally, as the couple we are.
Of course, not every parent reacts the same way. Not everyone has the strength to accept the reality of their children for what it is. That makes it all the more important to have a solid background with a partner and to build your own family based on love and mutual support.
Can a couple who are not yet fully decided but want to learn about the issues participate in the preparation? Or is it only for couples who are already clear?
Anyone can take part - even a person without a partner who is thinking about becoming a single parent. We try to answer all questions, even if someone is still undecided. Often participants take away a lot of information after the first day. They then have a few weeks to take it in stride - within themselves and within their relationship. They decide if they want to go for it, when and which way. At the second meeting we then discuss together what they have come to.
What does the preparation day itself look like in practice? Is the programme divided into blocks, like at school, where you take different topics in turn?
Yes, the programme is divided into thematic blocks, usually an hour and a half each.
The first day starts with an introductory sharing. This is followed by a block focusing on different parenting models - we discuss all the options from adoption to IVF to other forms of parenting.
After lunch, we have discussions with the guests - parents who already have children. They share with us their stories and details of their parenting journey. The day concludes with a reflection session during which participants share what they found most interesting and what they walk away with. Most are surprised by how much information they gain in a single day.
The second day begins again with sharing. This is followed by a session led by a lawyer who also answers specific questions, for example about foreign partners, fostering and unpleasant situations that happen in real life. In some cases we also provide contacts to specialist legal groups.
Another part focuses on coming out for parents and children - we deal with communication with schools, institutions and the environment after the child is born. We also discuss the literature available as well as children's books that feature rainbow families. Again, the day concludes with a group discussion.
The programme is intensive but participants find it very rewarding. Some go straight on to the next steps after the preparation, others take a break and return to their journey later. But all leave with a clearer overview, concrete contacts and a feeling of support.
The new round of the Parents' Preparation will take place on 15 November and 6 December at the LGBT+ Community Centre Prague Pride in Železná Street in Prague. The program is designed for all queer people and couples who are thinking about parenthood and want to gain practical information, legal insight and community support. If you and your partner are planning to start a rainbow family, this is the perfect opportunity to get answers to questions about planning, legal aspects and different paths to parenthood. More information can be found on the Prague Pride website.
