"My mother was afraid that I would be left alone because of polyamory," says Iva, who loves three people at the same time. "But my girlfriend is not jealous of my boys."
Ivo, I know that you live with your girlfriend Natalia, with whom you will soon celebrate your ten-year anniversary. How did you come to the conclusion to open your relationship and embark on the path of polyamory?
Fortunately, Natalie and I had talked about the option of an open relationship before I met Theodore and started to figure out that I liked him. My girlfriend and I have a very deep relationship: we've been friends since we were kids and started dating in high school. We knew early on in our relationship that we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives - and we still do. At the same time, it was the first ever relationship for me and for her - so after some time, it was just a philosophical question, at first, whether it would be a pity if we never met anyone else. Later we started to discuss the subject more.
We said, "Hey, if you were in love with someone, I probably wouldn't be jealous. It seems like it would enrich you." Or we'd have a conversation about how if we both liked a hot friend, we could have a threesome with her. Or possibly all three of us dating... And about 6 years ago, we agreed that we trusted each other and that we could open our relationship up "officially" - with the understanding that we'd just see what came.
What were your expectations?
My girlfriend was looking forward to experiencing something new sexually, to fulfilling various other needs. I had a bit of a moral dilemma at first about dating other people, the kind of fears instilled by society, but it gradually faded. When I revealed to Natalie that I'd had a crush on Theodore for a while, she gave me a very supportive reaction. When she saw how I was head over heels in love with him after meeting him, she nudged me to go for it. And so I did.
Sounds like a pretty idyllic start. Have you and your partner had some difficult situations where you've had to deal with jealousy, imbalance, or other challenges?
I guess our arrangement was a little idyllic because we both felt polyamorous - even though we didn't have a name for it at the time. My girlfriend doesn't indulge in the "you're only mine" kind of thing, she takes relationships very rationally. However, it has brought challenges of course - when I started my relationship with Theodore three and a half years ago, I paid a lot of attention to him through that energy of falling in love. And my girlfriend was rightfully annoyed that I was always glued to my phone to text him back - that it was interfering with our time together, like when we were watching a movie. I'll admit I wasn't very good at paying attention at first, I was infatuated.
When Godchild #2, my boyfriend, came along two years ago, I was able to handle it a little better. The only thing that bothered my girlfriend there was that I had less time for her. So she wasn't jealous of the partners per se, but more jealous that I wasn't with her. She felt lonely, partly because she couldn't find a parallel relationship, even though she wanted one badly. With Theodore, then, it was similar - he was comfortable with the freedom of a relationship and seeing each other less often, but he too felt "on the back burner" at times when I misallocated my time or didn't deliver on a promise.
How did you and your partner resolve the domestic situation so that she didn't feel neglected?
Long-term, Natalie and I try to make sure we spend quality time together. So that I don't end up going on dates with the boys, while my girlfriend and I just do the shopping and the housework. We're still working on the relationship, it's never perfect. Sometimes I mess up, even though I try to do it in a way that makes my partners happy.
So far, sometimes it works out beautifully, but other times all three of them want to see me during the week, and I have to juggle it. Then I'm pretty tired because we don't live together (laughs). I've got like three timers running - like when you're playing The Sims. I keep track of the statuses that each character has above their header, and I keep balancing them to keep everyone occupied.
Sounds like quite an exhausting task...
Honestly, it is. But it's part of it, because since they're "sharing me with others", they deserve me to give what I can to each of them individually, or at least try to. I'm really grateful to have them. I don't want it to sound like I'm collecting partners like Pokémon. I didn't plan three relationships myself - even with two at once I found it difficult.
But then I fell unexpectedly and intensely in love with Bohus, and another serious relationship was born. So I've had to cut back on some hobbies, because these people are worth it. Having time to myself is already hard (laughs). I hope it will get better when my study/work situation levels out a bit.
Let's go back to your poly beginnings. What was it like for you when you fell in love with a man after years of a lesbian relationship?
When I met Theodore - initially on a purely friendly basis - I was very confused about liking him. Because I had long identified as a lesbian - and I had to fight a lot in my family to accept that I was into girls. I come from a small-town, typical working-class family, so I had to justify my love of women to myself as a teenager. I struggled a lot with internalized homophobia back then. So it was very strange for me when I had to deal with my sexual orientation again a few years later.
As a polyamorous and bisexual woman, to what extent are you ostracized in your own family?
Only my mother knows the truth, it is not an option for other relatives to know that I am polyamorous. Just the fact that I'm not heterosexual caused a lot of turmoil in the family that they had to process. The extended family eventually accepted my orientation, but with polyamory I'm sure they wouldn't have. I'm sorry, but in short, we don't live in a perfect world and we can't have it all.
How does your mom feel about your relationships?
I have a funny story about that! Recently, in an argument, I gave my mom a bit of a dressing down about how she shouldn't have gotten so many cats. It was because I was in a bad mood - and my mom immediately shot back, "I'd tell you what you have too much of, but I won't say anything." My mom is a big support, she just wants me to be happy.
At first, when she was getting used to the way I was living, she was mainly worried about me being alone. That if it's not "marriage and till death", all my partners will gradually leave me. In her eyes, polyamory meant that we weren't so committed to relationships. Yet I, when I reach a point of deep love with someone where we plan for the future, I am very committed. I take it that this person is mine. And I'm his. Not in the sense of ownership, but in the sense of a promise that we want to be in this world for each other, that we are family. I have no problem "committing", I'm not afraid to go all out in a relationship.
Zdroj: Giphy
Do you perceive all three loves on the same "level" or is there a hierarchy between the partnerships?
The way I see it, all relationships are unique but equal - especially in terms of feelings. Except when it comes to practical things, I have to admit that there is some hierarchy. My girlfriend and I have been together for a really long time, we live together, our lives are intertwined, even economically... So I perceive some "nesting partner privilege" there.
It's not that I have Natalie on a pedestal, but when it comes to important decisions, planning time or dealing with the future, she has a little more weight. For example, if Bohouš tells me that it would be nice if we lived together, I already count on not wanting to move away from Natalia. Either we would all live together, or I would be in "alternating care" - part of the month with Nat, part with Bohus.
Can you compare which was harder for you within the family - the lesbian coming out as a teenager or the polyamorous one as an adult?
When I "came out" to my mom as a lesbian, it was very intense. While I knew that my mom - unlike other family members - was not openly homophobic, I was still scared. Suddenly I wasn't fulfilling the stereotypical expectations of having a husband and having children with him. Even in front of my friends, those first coming out moments were hard - my lesbian orientation suddenly defined me, I was someone else in their eyes.
People see polyamory more as my specific lifestyle, a choice. How many partners I have doesn't define who I am that much. It's the same as if I lived in a yurt - others can judge those choices however they want. At the same time, I've internally processed it and I don't really care what others think of my relationships.
But interestingly, because I have a girlfriend and a boyfriend, I can experience at once what other bisexuals experience gradually. For example, I can compare what it's like when my girlfriend and I are walking down the street in the evening, holding hands, and some over-eating guys call out to us, "Hey, lesbians!" Then a day later, for example, I'm on the tram with Bohus, we're together, and a random senior says, "Oh, you guys like each other, that's nice."
I'm not saying that everyone is hateful to my partner and I, but I typically only experience that kind of "acceptance" from strangers with guys. It pisses me off, and when I'm out with Theodore or Bohus, I tend to show my queerness - to prove that even though we're together in the here and now, I'm still queer.
