"A relationship is not an investment project." Gay men open up about who pays for dates, why they deal with it more than straight couples and how money changes their relationships
Who pays the bill on the first date? The question, which in the heterosexual world is often automatically directed at men, is open and much less clear in queer relationships. In gay relationships, there is no traditional gender division of roles - and thus no unwritten rule that "the man pays".
But that doesn't mean that the topic of money isn't important. On the contrary. Money often becomes a sensitive point that reveals the dynamics of the relationship, the power settings and how the partners envision the future. So we reached out to three gay men from different generations to describe how they perceive paying for dates, the financial differences between partners, and what they think lies behind the question of "who pays."
"First dates are about gesture"
Marek (24) works in marketing and lives in Prague. "When I asked someone out, I wanted to pay - not because I was playing 'guy', but because it was my invitation. I took it as part of the experience, a small gesture that I appreciated the other person," he explains.
But according to Mark, there's no reason to play by rules that don't even exist in gay relationships. "When we agreed spontaneously, we usually paid half. For me, it's a symbol of equality and also of a certain honesty - it shows that we're both trying equally. I don't like it when payment becomes a power struggle or a test to see if the other person 'deserves' me."
At the same time, Mark says it's no longer an issue in his generation if it's embarrassing to talk about money. "A lot of us are on a budget, so it's safe to say: Hey, I'd rather have a coffee shop tonight than an expensive dinner. I think that's healthier than pretending I can afford anything. Authenticity is more important to me than some expensive place." He also describes a specific situation where an expensive date was more likely to put him off: "One time a guy took me to a fancy restaurant. It was nice, but I felt pressure - almost like he expected me to 'react' in some way. Since then, I prefer to choose an environment where we both feel relaxed."
"A relationship is not an investment project"
Paul (35) works in IT and has experience of several longer relationships where the subject of money came up sooner or later. "I had a partner who earned more than me and kept insisting on paying for everything. At first it was fine, I felt looked after, but over time I felt it created an imbalance. Suddenly I started wondering if I could afford to invite him on holiday, or if he would expect a certain 'level'."
According to Paul, there is often an idea in the gay community that one partner should be "the more successful one." On apps like Tinder, there is a lot of discussion about who does what, how much they travel, what their lifestyle is like. And sometimes there's an unwritten expectation that whoever makes more will pay for almost everything - and I don't think that's healthy in the long run. A relationship is not an investment project where you buy love by financing the other person."
So Paul recommends talking about money as soon as possible. "Otherwise, there's a risk of one feeling used and the other feeling guilty. I've also had a relationship where we had a deal: one pays rent, the other pays for meals and trips. It worked great because we both knew where we stood. Money is not a romantic subject, but if it's not addressed, sooner or later it will show."
"It's also about power."
Roman (52) has had a long relationship and a period of single life. He remembers how things worked in the 1990s. "Back then, the person with more money almost always paid - and that determined the rules of the game. Where you go, what you order, how much you spend. Those who didn't have money simply adapted. Today, I see it more critically: it's not just about generosity, it's about who's in control."
Roman admits that he himself has been in the role of the one who pays. "When I was younger and prosperous, I used to take the boys to Vienna for the weekend, buy them presents. I enjoyed it - but sometimes I felt it was becoming one-sided. Today I wouldn't go into that dynamic. I want a partner who can keep up with me - and it doesn't have to be financially, or otherwise. But for there to be a balance."
Today, he sees payment more pragmatically: "I'm not one to count every coffee. If I have more money, I'm happy to pay, but I also notice if the other person is trying to contribute, even if it's a smaller amount. A relationship is a partnership, not a sponsorship."
Money as a relationship litmus test
Financial balance in a couple is more important to many gay men than it might seem. It's not just about fairness, it's about the relationship partners have with each other. The topic of money in queer relationships acts as a litmus test - it reveals whether the relationship is built on equality and respect, or whether there is an imbalance of power.
Moreover, today's younger generation is not afraid to talk about money. The openness that Mark describes may be the key to preventing money from becoming a source of conflict, but instead helping to build a healthier relationship.
Whatever the arrangement - whether one, both, or alternating partners are paying - communication is key. Talking about money in queer relationships is often also talking about values: how partners envision the future, how they balance power, and how they understand partnership.
As Mark says, "If you talk about money right away, you avoid misunderstandings. And then you can focus on the important stuff - whether you're actually comfortable with the person."
