"Sex stressed me out more than it turned me on," says asexual gay Marek, describing how he found freedom in his difference
"For a long time I thought something was wrong with me," Marek begins his story. We sit together in a small café in Vinohrady and Marek seems calm, open and honest. "When I was seventeen, I saw my classmates around me, talking about girls, dating, sex. But for me, the biggest desire was more for romantic closeness. I wanted to hug a guy, be with him, plan a weekend together - but the idea of sex was more stressful than exciting. Everyone else seemed to have some secret manual that I didn't get."
Coming out, which had two phases
Mark became aware of his asexuality gradually. First, he admitted to himself that he was attracted to men - that was the easy part, he said. "Telling myself I was gay somehow seemed easier. I knew it would take some courage, but there were already plenty of coming out stories I could relate to," he recalls.
The second phase, however, was much more difficult. "When I realised I didn't want sex, I thought to myself that this was part of gay life. You see Grindr everywhere, hookup culture, discussions about sex - and I was an outsider to that. For a long time I was in denial and tried to be 'normal'. I went on dates, I went out sometimes, but I felt terrible. Like I was playing a role that didn't belong to me."
According to experts , asexuality occurs in about one percent of the population, but is only minimally discussed in the public sphere. "A few guys have told me I'm just a prude or that I'll change my mind one day. But it's not about morality, it's not a choice. It's just my setup," Marek says.
Relationships without pressure
One of the most common questions Marek gets is whether he can have a relationship without sex. "I can. And I have had it," he laughs. "My ex-boyfriend and I were together for two years. It wasn't completely sexless, we did try things occasionally, but it wasn't crucial for me. The most important thing was that we got along, went on trips, made breakfast and laughed about the same things. That's intimacy for me."
But he admits that finding a partner who understands this isn't always easy. "A lot of guys are looking for sex and it's a natural part of a relationship for them. If I say I'm not interested in sex, it often ends before it starts. I've learned to be open about it right from the start. It's fair for me and for the other person."
Mark believes that relationships don't have to be one-size-fits-all. "I believe that relationships can exist in different forms and that even an asexual has the right to love. Sometimes it can be about compromise - like finding a partner who has low sexual need, or setting the rules so that both are happy."
The difference that liberates
While in the past his difference bothered him, today Mark has found some freedom in it. "When you accept that you're not like everyone else, it's actually a relief. I don't have to force myself to do anything I don't want to do. I don't have to follow what other people do. And yet I can love, long for closeness, and share life with someone who feels the same way."
She sees asexuality as an important part of her identity. "If I had someone back then who said, 'Yeah, I'm like that too,' it would have helped me a lot. That's why I talk about it now. I want young people to know that it's okay to want a relationship without sex, that it's okay to want love in your own way."
Asexuality is not the absence of emotion
Mark stresses that asexuality does not mean not feeling love or attraction. "I can be in love just as much as anyone else. I just don't get sexual desire from it. But wanting to hold hands, wanting to live together, wanting to have a dog - it's the same. I don't have to want sex to love." That's why he lives the way he's comfortable today - free of societal pressure and knowing that his identity is complete. "I used to worry that no one would want me because I wasn't 'enough'. Today, I know that if someone accepts me, even with sex not being my priority, they will be the right person. And if not, it's not my problem," concludes Marek. "I think that's what freedom is - knowing who I am and not being afraid to live it."
