"Polyamory is not about sex with anyone. It's more honest than most relationships I've experienced," says a man who has two partners
"People often ask if it's a competition between us. Like who has how many partners, or if we're jealous of each other. But that's completely out of line. Polyamory is not about quantity, but about the quality of relationships," says Filip, 30, who lives in Brno and identifies as gay. "My partner and I have been together for eight years. About three years ago we started to discover ethical non-monogamy - not because we were bored, but because we felt we were capable of loving more people at the same time."
After a series of open conversations, Filip and his longtime partner Michal set clear rules. "We agreed that we wanted to be as honest with each other as possible. When someone comes along who means more to one of us than just sex, we say so. It's not easy, but it works. I was in a relationship with one guy for almost a year, Michal was seeing another couple in the meantime. Our feelings were intertwined, but home still felt like a base, a safe haven."
What bothers Philip most is the idea that polyamory automatically means promiscuity. "When I say we're poly, people imagine a sexual marathon. But I'm an introvert, for example, and I don't feel the need to constantly make new relationships. Sometimes I don't have another partner for a year. And that's okay, too. Polyamory is more of a framework - it's not that you have to have three boyfriends at once. It's more of an openness to possibilities."
Filip also perceives that there is not much awareness of ethical non-monogamy in the Czech queer community. "There are a lot of people on Grindr who claim to be open, but when you start talking about emotions, they back off. It's often just a front for no-strings-attached sex. But truly ethical non-monogamy is the exact opposite - it's a commitment to communication, to working on yourself, to vulnerability."
Fidelity in the head, not in the body
While polyamory may be at least partially normalized in the queer community, it has its specifics in heterosexual settings. Thirty-six-year-old Ondřej, who lives in Prague and works in IT, describes his experience as "socially challenging but liberating."
"Five years ago I was in a classic monogamous relationship. After two years we stopped getting along and broke up. That's when I came across articles on ethical non-monogamy and it started to make sense to me. It sounds like a cliché, but I felt like I'd been living my whole life by rules I didn't choose."
Ondřej currently has two partners - one for three years, the other for about a year. The two women know each other and see each other regularly, although they do not form a so-called triad. "One of them has another partner. Sometimes it's logistically challenging, but emotionally I find it more stable than previous relationships. I know that no one owns me - and that I don't own anyone."
When asked if she encounters prejudice, she replies without hesitation, "All the time. People think I'm just playing around, that I'm afraid of commitment, that I want to 'enjoy myself'. Yet ironically - I feel far more committed than when I was in a classic relationship and secretly scrolling through Tinder. Now fidelity is a matter of agreement, trust and authenticity, not a list of rules."
"Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. You have to know yourself, know how to say no, have the ability to handle jealousy. I've been learning that for years. Today I know that if one of my partners starts with someone new, it's not a threat. It's an opportunity for growth. But it took time."
According to one study, interest in open relationships, at least in terms of sexual fantasies, is slowly increasing - especially among younger generations and in urban areas. In the queer community, ethical non-monogamy tends to be more common because the very act of breaking out of social norms reduces the pressure on the "traditional" life script. At the same time, there is a lack of education, safe spaces for sharing and positive representation.
"We lack the language to talk about these things," says Filip. "People often only have two pigeonholes - you're either faithful or you're a slut. And there's no room for a relational in-between. Yet a lot of people feel that monogamy doesn't work for them, but they're afraid to say it."
Andrew sums it up in his own way, "Polyamory is not a one-size-fits-all solution. It is neither better nor worse than monogamy. It's just a different way to love. And it deserves respect."
Poly, but with rules
What Philip and Andrew have in common is an emphasis on communication, agreement and responsibility. Both say ethical non-monogamy is more challenging than monogamy - but it brings them more authenticity and freedom.
"We all have needs," Philip concludes. "Whether it's a need for security, passion, freedom, or deep connection. Polyamory gives us the space to fulfill those needs without sacrificing ourselves or each other."
Maybe it's time to stop seeing polyamorous people as unreliable lovers or perpetual seekers. Rather, they are often those who ask the hard questions - and have the courage to seek the true answers.
