"My relationship with my partner was ruined by my therapist," thinks Aleš. "I woke up one day and realised that I didn't recognise the person next to me anymore," he adds

Ales, you and your partner planned a future together and everything turned out differently. Could you first explain how long you were together and how your relationship developed?

We met through work colleagues more than six years ago. For me, it was actually the first relationship where I thought it could really be "forever". After about a year we moved in together and everything seemed perfect. We even planned a future together - we talked about getting married and having a family together. Everything seemed like a complete idyll - sure, in every relationship there is the occasional problem, but we always worked things out together. But last year was the turning point.

What happened?

My partner and I worked in the same company, but he was in a different department and in a higher position than me. Plus, he was trying to "make a career" so he wanted another promotion. He said so we could get a house. I never asked him to do anything like that - and I told him many times. Especially when I saw how much pressure he was under about it. Basically, you could say that last year we lived only by his work - he brought that work home with him, he also spent all his free time working beyond his normal duties. I tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't listen. And that was the beginning of the end.

So you broke up because of your partner's extreme workload?

Not directly because of him. My partner was very tired and frustrated with his work, that's true. He couldn't switch off at all. When we were together, he was absent-minded anyway. Then he also got interested in personal development, bought a lot of books on how to love yourself. All of which I found beneficial - and I thought maybe it would help him find what he was looking for. Eventually he came up with the idea of finding a therapist. At first I was pleased that he had decided to get professional help. I believed it would benefit him and that he might gain a new perspective on work and our lives. It all happened in the end, but in a very different way than I expected. Basically, his therapist gradually drove us completely apart.

Those are pretty strong words. When did you start to sense that something was "wrong"?

At first, the sessions seemed to help my partner. He came home smiling, more positive and energized. I thought we were finally headed in the right direction. But after a few months, red flags started to appear in our communication that I probably should have paid attention to immediately. But I didn't think of it at the time. They were small indications - for example, when my partner and I disagreed about something, he would end the disagreement with a nod of his head and then usually say, "that's what the therapist told me"... Over time, statements were added directly about our relationship and my partner's position in it. So, for example, I learned that I was making it impossible for my partner to be himself because I was stifling his potential...

How did you react? And did you try to talk to your partner?

I felt that there was a wall growing between us - so I tried to break it down first. But he triggered something about his personal space and how I was invading it. Anything I wanted to discuss with him, he referred to as me trying to somehow manipulate him and make him my own. I tried to find out what he thought I was doing wrong, but I never got a concrete answer.

How long have you been operating in this partnership setting?

About six months. But for about half of that time, my partner was already living in a world of his own, in which I was hurting him and holding him back. Meanwhile, I was feeling more and more useless and worthless. And then one day I woke up, looked beside me, and realized that I didn't really know who the person lying beside me was.

You didn't even talk about your feelings when you broke up?

It may sound unbelievable, but even though I was suddenly living with a complete stranger, I kept hoping for a breakthrough. So my partner initiated the breakup. He just dryly informed me that our relationship was built on the wrong foundation. It was so cold and detached it scared me. It was like he was quoting some psycho handbook to me. While I felt like my heart was going to burst, he gathered his things, presented me with a list of what we needed to deal with because of the breakup, and then picked up and left.

Although one is often not fully capable of rational self-reflection in relationships, do you yourself feel that you contributed to the breakup by your behavior?

It's been five months and I'm still thinking about it. I keep replaying in my head what I could have done differently. But it's all been so out of control that I just don't know. My partner suddenly became someone else, someone I didn't even know. But I know one thing for sure - that person came when my partner started going to therapy. From then on, I stopped recognizing him.

So if I understand you correctly, you're blaming the therapist...

Yes, but I'm not sure of anything today. Did I really live for six years with someone I didn't know and was suffocating - and who was only "discovered" by a therapist? I began to doubt myself. If I was doing something that could really hold my partner back. I'm still pretty consumed with it and I can't seem to shake it.

Often the people close to me have a more objective view of the situation. What's their opinion?

They've been supportive, and they think my partner has changed beyond comprehension. In fact, even his relatives told me they didn't recognize him. But while I have moved out, changed jobs and this sad chapter is over for me, they just shrug helplessly. I don't know if therapy can really change someone that much, or if it just opens doors that have always been there, but in this case it really didn't work out well, unfortunately. Hopefully at least the partner feels comfortable in their new role.