"I was never good enough for my mother, she just criticizes everything. I ran away, I'm worried about my dad," Jan describes toxic family relationships
Jane, you don't have a very good relationship with your mother. Has it always been this way?
I wouldn't really refer to it as "good." And if it was before... Well, when you grow up in that environment, as a child, it just seems normal. So when I was a kid, I used to think all mothers were like that. And I guess that's the nature of motherhood. It's hard to remember. As a kid, all that was constantly on my plate was that I wasn't good enough - and that I should look at my cousin here who was doing everything better. And here's looking at a classmate who's smarter than me. Basically, I grew up in an environment of constant feelings of inadequacy. It drove me forward too, to a certain extent, but pathologically so - I was just trying desperately to figure out what would finally make my mother happy. But I can honestly say I couldn't think of anything.
Your mother never praised you for anything?
Yes, she did, but it was a kind of "her way" praise. Every time she said something a little nice, there was an "ALE". Some remark that killed the joy of success.
It must have been quite difficult growing up in that atmosphere. What did your father say?
He didn't say anything. He was in the thick of it just as much as I was. But while I was born into it and didn't know any different, my father was - I would say - deliberately chosen by my mother. It's been said that many women who need to be dominant are very adept at finding men who are easily manipulated. I don't want to speak ill of my dad, he's a very nice guy. It's just that my mother has been abusing that all her life - and relying on him not to stand up to her. So he never really stood up to her, even for me. Although I remember a few lighter moments, conflicts in our home were usually ended by my mother with some sort of decisive verdict. Then Dad would shake his head and back off.
Did you ever try to confront your mother, explain your feelings to her?
We never played on any feelings. And as far as confrontation is concerned, of course, it wasn't possible in my childhood. If my father didn't confront my mother, how could I when I was a little boy... And I didn't even understand then what exactly was wrong in our home. The first problems started to appear in my teens. Of course, I didn't like it anymore that my mother wanted to completely organize my life. But this rebellion could be attributed to puberty itself. All high school kids will probably recall that they didn't really get along with their mother at that time. (laughs) But for us it was a permanent condition, so while during my college years most of the relationships in my peers' families calmed down, in ours they tended to escalate.
What was the reason?
The choice of my college - not only the field of study, but also the fact that I decided to go to the other side of the country to study. Yes, I admit, it was a very deliberate decision to be as far away from my mother as possible. And she, of course, was completely unable to accept it. She wanted me to be a doctor, I remember her telling everybody about that when I was a little boy. She hadn't gone to medical school herself and worked in the hospital only as a nurse, so she wanted to realize her own ambitions through me. But I'm slowly fainting, even when I cut myself with a knife while slicing bread. (laughs) So you can imagine how great a doctor I would be. When I told my mother that I was going to go to the Faculty of Education, she almost had a stroke.
Family relations didn't improve that much even when you moved away to study?
With my dad, our relationship definitely got stronger. He even started coming to see me secretly himself - and told my mother he was going on a business trip. That was probably the best time we had together. Dad also supported me secretly, through my grandmother - his mother - financially. In fact, my mother cut me off - when I refused to be a doctor, she told me I was out of luck and should fend for myself. On the one hand, she was really annoyed by my decision - but on the other hand, she kept calling and writing to me and telling me what she thought about me, my life and the choices I had made...
Today you are on your own feet, working as a vice-principal at the school. Didn't that change your mother's opinion?
Not at all! I've basically stopped going home, but of course I keep in touch with other relatives and friends. And now she's playing hurt. She says I've completely failed her as a son because she tried to make me as successful as possible and I refused. And now I'm mad at her for it. Well, that's a surprise. Only once, when I stopped home for a really quick coffee, did I tell her point blank that I'm really happy where I am - and I also enjoy what I do. But that completely missed the mark. I learned how deeply I had hurt her by refusing to be a doctor, and that I didn't understand what was good for me at all - and how desperate she was about it. But what I see as a big problem is her relationship with her dad. Now that she doesn't have me on hand to nag, she takes it all out on him.
Have you confided your concerns to your dad?
Yes, we've discussed it. In the future, it looks like he might move in with me. The way things are now, he's three years away from retirement - and he's afraid to change anything because he'd have a hard time finding a job. But he's already admitted that he can't imagine stopping going to work and being home alone with his mother all day... I hope it all works out, I love my dad. And I'd like him to have some peace in his old age.
