"I believed I had ADHD. But my 'weirdness' was due to sexual experiences," says man annoyed by experts' ignorance
Karl, in a previous interview you described how you burned out before you were 30. Why did you think then that you might have attention deficit disorder?
There were more clues. I had a lot of trouble calming down, relaxing - I was always kind of on guard. I couldn't keep a reasonable routine, either in eating or sleeping. I guess I seemed like a "yes man" to those around me - I could easily get excited about a new project, I was bursting with ideas and energy for a while, but then I had trouble getting things done. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't bring myself to start anything and not procrastinate. As soon as a distraction from work presented itself, I jumped on it. I was losing track of time, barely meeting deadlines... What I didn't enjoy, I couldn't devote myself to - which was also true for cleaning. Although I was constantly oscillating, it wasn't visible around me. I had piled up mountains of clothes, papers, unwashed dishes... I was ashamed that I couldn't function like a "normal" adult. I felt lazy, incompetent.
How did you move on?
In therapy, I confided in the psychologist that I had days when I wished I hadn't woken up - just so I wouldn't have to deal with the piles of responsibilities I couldn't handle, which only made me anxious. She sensitively directed me to a psychiatric outpatient clinic, where I openly admitted that I had major problems concentrating and that I thought I might have ADHD, according to tests I had taken online. Especially seeing that some of my relatives are quite "hyperactive" as well. Fortunately, the psychiatrist was not angry that I was going "Dr. Google" on him, and referred me to another psychologist for a clinical evaluation.
She didn't confirm your ADHD diagnosis, did she?
Her tests showed that while I have a problem with executive functions of the brain and depressive states, I can concentrate quite adequately when I'm sitting quietly in the office. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, and what little I remember of my childhood didn't fit the psychologist's picture of a hyperactive kid. I wasn't distracted at school, I didn't have trouble losing or forgetting things. It is true, however, that even as a child I suffered from inner restlessness - I always had to do something, I couldn't stop, I couldn't relax. Even while watching a TV series, I needed to do something else to keep myself occupied. But this could also be related to the fact that I perceived daily tensions between adults at home. I was afraid my father would punish me for something, so I demonstrated extra effort to show that I wasn't slacking off.
So the clinical exam didn't give you any concrete answers?
Not much. The psychologist told me that I had an extremely negative self-image and recommended that I make an appointment for psychoanalysis because there was a "deeper problem" behind my mental and concentration problems. By then, I was already taking prescribed anti-depressants and it was obvious that I was not "just" suffering from a classic brain chemistry imbalance - she literally told me the cause of my psychological slumps was hidden in my personality setup because I was unconsciously driving myself into self-destruction, chaos and overload. At first I was crushed by the news, I felt like I had nothing to hold on to - after all, I've been treating myself this way all my life, I don't know any other way. But then somehow I got a grip on myself and found Jungian therapy.
Did it help you to remember your childhood experiences of being sexually abused by your uncle?
It wasn't like the pivotal AHA moment came right out of the session with the therapist. My wonderful Jindra(Karl's partner, a non-binary person, prefers the masculine gender, ed.) also added a crucial "crumb". I stopped chasing one-off excitement because I had the best love chemistry at home, and at the same time the secure framework of the relationship set a mirror to me in the sense that I react to some situations in a really extreme, run-away-attack style. That I actually have a fear of intimacy, always waiting to see what the other person will hurt me with, and not keeping my own boundaries. You don't notice things like that while you're wallowing in infidelities and addictive relationships like I've experienced before.
But psychoanalysis definitely contributed to me piecing some things together and bringing back fragments of memories some thirty years later. The uncle who abused me was long dead by then, so there was a mixture of relief that I finally knew what was wrong with me, but also a huge psychic pain from the shock, the injustice. Basically, I understood why my brain had completely blocked out that chapter, because it was - and still is - terribly hard to bear that truth.
So all those symptoms that made you think you had ADHD were related to the trauma of sexual abuse?
I don't think you'll ever get a definitive answer, I've come to terms with that - but yes, my psychiatrist and my current psychologist and I are working with the version that I have so-called C-PTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Many of the symptoms are the same as those of Attention Deficit Disorder: restlessness, distractibility, problems with time management and completing tasks, decision paralysis, impulsivity, emotional swings. Basically, my early experiences developed problems at the nervous system level.
How is your life today? Have you managed to stabilize yourself at least partially?
About half. By better understanding the causes of my problems, I have a chance to find more effective help - and I blame myself less for all my failures. But therapy for complex trauma is a long haul, and from what I understand from foreign articles, treatment for C-PTSD is still kind of in its infancy. There isn't even much work on this diagnosis in the Czech Republic. That's why I decided to give this interview. Whenever I read about some child abuser walking away from court with probation, it makes my blood boil. I feel the effects of what happened to me every day - and no, really, the abuse didn't just affect me sexually.
I've felt like "damaged goods" most of my life, I can't do without psychopharmaceuticals, I've spent tens of thousands on therapy. I've been in complicated relationships for years, I can't go full speed at work, I'm plagued by psychosomatic problems. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. But I do want people in higher places to understand why childhood sexual abuse is called "soul murder" - and to start punishing perpetrators accordingly. We survivors have enough "triggers" to go around. We don't need sentences that feel like a mockery added to them.
