Therapist reveals the reasons why people cheat - and why it's time to break the taboo
One in five men is an infidel
Anna Williamson knows her new project will cause a stir - and that's exactly what she wants. "I want people to become more curious about the subject of infidelity," she says. "I'm not saying we endorse it. Not at all. But as they say, knowledge is power," explains Williamson, a relationship therapist who has previously appeared on shows such as Channel 4's Celebs Go Dating.
That's why she's created a new podcast called The Affair . In each episode, Williamson chats to people who have been touched by infidelity and together they break down exactly what happened - and why. The podcast has only been running for two weeks, but the response has been "extraordinary", she says. It has climbed to the top of several listening charts.
So it's clear that The Affair is resonating. And Williamson stands by the need to have an open dialogue about infidelity from all sides. One in five people will commit infidelity in their lifetime - and it's not just men. 20% of men and 13% of women cheat in a relationship. That's a lot of people - and yet infidelity is still taboo. "It gradually dawned on me that there was no bigger debate about this topic that wasn't just to condemn those who fell into it," he says. "I'm not saying infidelity is okay. Not at all. But I want us to be more curious."
So what has Williamson learned so far? She says some people who cheat are simply "terrible people." But others find themselves "in deeply emotionally challenging situations that deserve a different understanding."
"Because the very idea of infidelity is so powerfully negative, we lump everyone together." And that, she says, is what often prevents people from talking about it at all - both those who have been cheated on and those who have committed infidelity. "It's all just swept under the rug. And I wanted to finally stir this topic up." And she does that by talking to everyone involved - the one who cheated, the one who was cheated on, and the "third person." Each of them openly tells their story.
Each of them is a good person at heart.
"Most of them have never talked about their infidelity before," he says. "But I can really tell you that everyone I've talked to are decent people. They all experienced very strong emotions and events that led them to infidelity." And if that sounds provocative, it's meant to be - especially when the actors in the affairs themselves get involved in the narrative. When I ask Williamson if some of the stories shocked her, she nods without hesitation. "There were so many situations where I was literally like, 'Oh my God.'" She won't divulge details, but gives as an example one recently published episode in which she talks to a woman named "Jane." She struck up a relationship with a married man - and then held his newborn baby, which his wife brought to work.
In another episode, he talks to a man who was born as a "result of infidelity" - and later committed infidelity himself. So why do people cheat? Forget the stereotypes about people just looking for casual sex. It's often all about emotional connection. "Most people who have had affairs talk about the deep emotional connection and conversations they had with their counterpart. They felt like someone finally really understood them," Williamson says.
"Infidelity, in my opinion, is wrongly associated only with sex. And when it comes down to it, justifying the affair is often accompanied by a strange internal logic: the person involved in the infidelity sees themselves as the good guy, while the cheater's partner is portrayed as the bad guy.
"Some people I've talked to have literally created an image of their spouse as the bad guy," she says. "They've never met them, but they've created a story in their head in which they're the ones who have the true emotional relationship - and the official partner is just an obstacle."
Infidelity isn't just a quickie
So the podcast doesn't just satisfy curiosity. According to Williamson, it can also provide important lessons. "If we understand what's going on in people from different perspectives, maybe then we can respond differently in our own lives. Maybe we'll ask different questions. And maybe we will approach our decisions in a less judgmental and more understanding way."
"I think that's the main idea," he concludes. "We are human beings. We make mistakes. But I don't think we're evil. We just make bad decisions sometimes." And maybe through The Affair we'll learn how to make fewer of them.
You can find "The Affair... with Anna Williamson" podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Amazon Music and other platforms.
