When a parent brainwashes a child or Why are many of us brainwashed?
Save America, Dad.
In January, X stole the spotlight from his billionaire father at Trump's victory rally in Washington, D.C. When the child "followed" his father to the main stage, as if by accident, Musk declared to the cheering crowds that his son was "a very enthusiastic [Trump] supporter... as you can see." X then jumped up and down and waved his arms. X's (alleged) political affiliation was revealed much earlier, back when Musk posted a clip online in December in which he asked X for political advice. "What should I do?" asked Musk of his son, who was strapped in a car seat. "Save America," X replied. Then he added, " Help Trump!" Musk captioned the post, "This kid has great instincts."
A piñata with a picture of the prime minister? School of hate
Really? It's shocking how parents use their children to make themselves look good or to make their children reflect their own ideologies. I've seen it so many times and it never ceases to amaze me. I remember once catching a glimpse of an attractive mum and her two-year-old daughter browsing pieces in a designer children's boutique in Notting Hill. The mum insisted that her child had 'expensive taste' and looked at me meaningfully while the child threw various pieces of clothing on the shop floor - those she 'liked' and those she 'didn't like'. But the child could barely form a sentence, let alone understand the price tags. I'm sure she would have done the same in Poundland.
A few years ago I was at a children's party where a similar incident occurred. A mum got the assembled children to take turns to beat a piñata with a photo of Boris Johnson, then Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, stuck on it. The children beat it repeatedly with a wooden stick until it broke and a sea of Haribo sweets poured out. It wasn't pretty to look at, and it was clearly excessive - for an event for four-year-olds? It felt like a school of hate - my daughter didn't even know who Boris Johnson was.
A child as an extension of a parent
I call this sort of thing "parental brainwashing", where parents project their own views onto their offspring, often without realising they are doing it. Of course, we can't see Musk raising his child behind closed doors, but he seems to be one of them. All parents are guilty to some degree at this point, of course. I taught my kids to eat vegetarian long before they had a clue about animal welfare.
But when a child becomes a miniature version of a parent - gushing out ideas or expressions that are clearly not their own because they are not mature enough to understand the topic - it's false. So why do parents take it so seriously? And why do they brag about it as if it all came straight from the mind of their child?
According to Dr. Naomi Fisher, clinical psychologist and author of When the Naughty Step Makes Things Worse , parents often don't realize they are brainwashing their children because they see them as mere extensions of themselves. "While it may look to the outside world like a parent is bragging about their child's opinions and behavior, it's really not about the child at all," she explains. "It's all about [him]."
First the brainwashing, then the identity crisis
In part, she believes, this is because people want to have a miniature version of themselves to validate who they are. "They have a child in the first place to mirror their own views," she explains. "Plus, when a child expresses something, there's an innocence and purity to it. It can have more power than when an adult expresses the same thing. They [these parents] are using their children to validate their own views or life choices." The expert believes this can even be dangerous, as it can lead to potential identity crises that children experience later in life. "They have no idea who they are," she tells me.
Many young children imitate their parents, because when you hear statements repeatedly, you are more likely to believe them to be true. According to a 2020 study published in the journal Psychological Science, this is true for all ages - even if the statement is false - but it's especially acute during childhood.
Brainwashing versus childhood self-esteem
Dr. Amanda Gummer, a psychologist specializing in child development, agrees that parental brainwashing can have far-reaching negative effects on children. "Indoctrination can be detrimental to a child's self-esteem because it sends a subtle message that their thoughts, opinions or natural inclinations have no validity," she explains. "When a child is constantly told what to think, believe, or feel, he may internalize the idea that his inner self is not 'good enough. Over time, this can erode his self-esteem, make him more susceptible to people pleasing and hinder his ability to trust his own judgment."
Parental brainwashing, she says, can come in many different forms. "A parent may discourage a child from being friends with someone from a different background because of his or her own biases, or push the child to pursue a particular profession or hobby that matches the parent's dreams rather than the child's interests or talents," she says.
"In more extreme cases, brainwashing may involve one parent alienating the child from the other parent during a contentious divorce, using blame, manipulation, or even false stories as tactics."
Child custody? Yes, but also to question
When it comes to parent-child interaction, Dr. Gummer advocates a more balanced approach: guide your children through life, but also encourage them to question and explore things on their own. He believes this is a much healthier path for a child's self-esteem and overall development.
However, she admits that it is difficult, especially because parents often justify this excessive behaviour as something that is 'in their child's best interests'. Sometimes, she says, parents may not even realize what they are doing because their intentions come from a "place of love and protection."
"They may not realize that children are too young to independently adopt these beliefs because parents themselves see these beliefs as universal truths," she says. "Lack of awareness of child development may also contribute to this - parents may not understand how much children are absorbing from their environment without questioning it."
As for my own parenting, I've decided to try to maintain my children's innocence for as long as possible and not push them too hard to follow me. The next time my daughter Liberty wants, say, a chicken nugget, I'll tell her I'll leave it up to her - and not get into a monologue about factory farms.
© Independent Digital News & Media Ltd
Prepared for the Independent by Charlotte Cripps.
