"The gym teacher humiliated me in front of my classmates, I started to hate the movement. I'm eating my fat and I don't know how to go on," says the obese Petr
Peter, is there any particular moment that in your opinion was the "trigger" of your problems with (over)weight?
A specific moment... I was a happy kid who liked food. My grandmother underfed me and I remember it made her happy when I literally vacuumed every plate she put in front of me. Did I have a weight problem in my childhood? I don't really know. But I was definitely a little chubbier than the other guys. I'll never forget one moment, though - I was in third grade when my gym teacher brought me to tears. We were running around this oval. I couldn't catch my breath, and she yelled at me that I had to step up. I felt humiliated, embarrassed, my classmates laughed at me. And from that moment on, I started to hate the movement, it basically became a punishment for me. Although I have tried many times to change this mindset, I still see sport as pure proof of my own failure...
Kids can be cruel - and unfortunately some educators may not realize the impact their actions can have. But the bigger problems with dealing with one's own appearance usually come in adolescence. How was it for you?
I pulled myself up a bit. (Laughs) High school for me, in retrospect, is when I was probably at my best. I wasn't a stickler, that's for sure, but I wasn't exactly fat either. But I was aware that I was "bigger" even back then - and I was looking at all these manly idols in the media and thinking, this is never what I'm going to look like. It was kind of a loop of mine where I dealt with not looking ideal by eating more food. That's a pathological pattern, of course, but explain it to a teenager who's mired in all the problems of the world... For me, the process of coming out added to that - and being overweight and gay is a blast!
Are you referring to the fact that there is still a "cult of the body" among gays?
Absolutely. I'm not suggesting that all gays are just thin, beautiful men, of course not. But the idea of that ideal is still there. I wasn't obese when I started college, I just had a few extra pounds - but I was always the one in the gay club who was just "the biggest." It's not like someone threw it in my face that I didn't fit their size, but I always had this voice in my head whispering to me that I just wasn't good enough. So even when we had sex, I always insisted on going dark. I was just ashamed of my imperfect body.
Do you think most people have perfect bodies? And what does perfection look like to you?
I don't think so, intellectually I know there are many more who are unhappy with themselves too. And I don't think it's their fault either - they just see beauty everywhere, but they can't achieve it. I feel the same way. If I had to describe the perfection of a man's body, it would be slightly sculpted abdominal muscles, firm body, strong arms... How many men really have such a body? I don't know, but I would say that there are fewer than those who don't have it. Actually, at 185 centimetres tall, I've gone up to 120 kilos, which is a lot. Then I lost weight for a while, but not for long...
What caused you to gain weight again?
First of all, myself, the lack of discipline. I really know that and I'm trying to work on it. But in this case, my grandfather didn't help me either. He's an ex-military man, and ever since I was a kid, he's regaled me with stories about discipline in the army and how I wouldn't survive a minute in it. Not just because I'm gay, but because I'm unfit and look the way I do. I was quite proud of myself when I lost the 120 kilos to less than 100, but then my grandfather came to visit and not only didn't even notice the change, but he said something to the effect that I should do something about myself, otherwise I wouldn't get out of bed soon. I was terribly touched. That same evening I ate the humiliation... and the weight went back up. Plus, it was right before the covid, so then I started gaining enormously due to the fact that I basically didn't move from the house.
So you got to the stage where you started to solve your eating problems with food? That's a vicious circle, though not a unique one...
Unfortunately, it is. I currently weigh the most I've ever weighed. It's only when I happen to catch a glimpse of my reflection in the glass door - because I don't have a mirror at home anymore - that I feel sick of myself. But I don't know how to change all that. It's easy to say, don't eat so much, move around. But I have terrible slumps, where I tell myself there's no point. That I'm in a state from which there's no way back. I've recently found a psychologist, but I don't know if he can help me. My mom has started telling me that I'm going to be done soon, so now I'm just in a permanent state of stress.
Is there anything that gives you hope that you will be able to get your psychological problems and consequently your weight under control?
I try to escape to another reality, I read a lot so I don't have to think about where I've got to. I also have some great friends who have offered many times to support me in my weight loss - they will go for walks with me, to the gym, help me with my diet. So far, I've always turned them down because I've felt embarrassed. I was afraid I wouldn't be enough for them and just fail again. But they still haven't given up on me and the offer stands. When I get myself together mentally, I think I'll say yes.
