"Mom always resented Dad's rudeness. The older generation lacks empathy," the young man thinks. "Coming out to friends was easier," says
Your coming out was in high school. What preceded it? What phases did you go through in terms of your inner world?
I lived with the idea of being gay for a long time. Ever since I was a kid. For me, it wasn't a surprising realization of myself years later. I was more or less clear about it when I was in first grade. I wasn't one of those people who thought children were wearing a stork. So by the time I was, say, nine, I was clearly aware that I wasn't into kissing girls behind a bush. I saw around me that I just had it a little different than other boys. And it bothered me, but not enough to make me unhappy.
What do you mean?
Sometimes I hear that people were really worried about not understanding themselves, looking for themselves, not knowing how to deal with themselves... I've always had my inner world well set up. My mind was never against me. I'm friends with myself and I've always taken my inner world and my thoughts as an asset. So, yes, I was afraid of being singled out, but I was equally afraid of that, for example, because I wasn't one of the first fidget spinners when it was hot. I think kids are always afraid of other people being mean to them. I was aware that this could also be a reason for them, but I didn't take it as some huge burden compared to other differences.
You're talking about the inner world. How did you work with yourself during the years when you started to realize your orientation? Did that grow your inner richness?
Actually, yes. I always felt like I could get by with my thoughts for a long time. I enjoyed imagining different stories or futures. I still do. And by the time I was in elementary school, I was imagining things. One of them being that I'd find a boyfriend. I was, like, 13 when it was clear that I was sexually attracted to boys. I think that's the age, give or take, when everyone starts having desires. But maybe I'm wrong, I'm not a psychologist or a doctor. Anyway, I was clear and I was platonically in love many times, but I always managed to keep things so that I was happy in my fantasies, but didn't screw up in the real world.
Do you think you would have screwed up if your coming out had come back then?
I think I kind of did. The transition between elementary school and high school was a huge leap forward for me. We had all the kids from all the groups in elementary school with us, so we're talking about people who maybe didn't even finish elementary school after that. In high school I went to lycée, there were quite difficult entrance exams and you could tell that the team was suddenly much better in the sense that the communication was on a different level. Plus, in junior high we were half and half, maybe a little more guys. In lyceum I was in a class where most of the girls were.
Did that also have an effect on your well-being, having a more all-girl group?
Definitely. For example, I feel like the boys - or especially the older guys - are the most homophobic. That's just my experience, of course, but when I had girls around me who had also passed some sort of screen and were reasonable, there was no problem after my coming out. In elementary school, on the other hand, I felt it would be bad to talk to anyone about it. I was worried not only about the reactions of my classmates, but also maybe their parents and even their teachers. The elementary school I went to was a bit of a jungle. At least that's how I remember it.
You say that coming out among friends went smoothly. You were 16 when you first came out to your parents. Why didn't they know before?
Parents are more difficult than friends and peers in general. Now, maybe they are more careful about it in the family because I always speak up, but there was a time when it was normal in our family to call a sports player a "f*cking faggot", a "f*cking faggot" and other homophobic language because he had done something wrong. There was a lot of talk about gays being generally weaker, practically feminine and so on.
It seems to me that the invectives went not only towards gays, but also towards women, for example. Am I hearing that right in this?
Definitely. Especially from my dad and uncle. They're in business together, they spend a lot of time together, and my uncle has three sons. I have a brother too, so my mom and aunt have always been in the minority, and they're both pretty quiet and non-confrontational. When Dad and Uncle split up, Mom and Auntie were always off somewhere - talking in the kitchen while the guys watched football, for example. My parents always had their own schedules, hobbies and friends. I think Mum always resented Dad's rudeness, but she didn't have the strength to fight him all the time.
Are your parents still together?
They're married. If they're together, that's a tough question. I don't think it's a relationship I'd want. Dad's not a bad guy, but he's hard to get along with. Maybe Mom understands why I'm upset, but she won't talk to me. I'm the one who will. And then we fight. So I didn't tell them I was gay until I found a boyfriend I didn't want to hide with. I wanted him to be able to visit us normally and not have my parents call him a friend so we wouldn't have to be embarrassed to hold hands and stuff.
What was the reaction at home? You told me you didn't like to remember that time...
Coming out to friends was easier than family because the older generation in my experience generally lacks empathy. They were raised differently and in a different time, I get that, but you usually get an insult or an offensive question from a boomer. Plus, my dad is my dad. So we had a fight. My boyfriend wasn't allowed to come over for a while. That broke down after about six months of not talking to my dad. My mom came to me and told me that she and my dad had talked about it amongst themselves and my boyfriend was now allowed to come over. Dad and I never talked about it again and we argue quite often over his opinions. Our relationship is forever damaged. I'm sorry but I just can't get along with him when he thinks what he thinks.
