Infidelity abroad doesn't count? Does monogamy have state-determined boundaries, or is it just a myth? "I was wrong," says the man
We had agreed to have a somewhat light-hearted conversation about single travel and meeting people - acquaintances - abroad, but in the end the preparation of the interview turned out very differently. We opened up the topic of emotions, relationships, and it turned out that your penchant for the unfamiliar has had some unpleasant consequences that have been dragging you along ever since. Maybe let's start there. What are you experiencing now?
As you say, there's a lot on my mind right now. I like traveling, I'm a person who tries to live a positive life, I like people, having fun, enjoying new places, nice things... I admit I like a life that not everyone can afford, but I deserve it if I earned it myself. The problem is that as a result of my actions, someone so important to me has left my life that I'm not sure I'll ever find that joy again.
I know you met a man early last year who means a lot to you. Tell us about him...
We met at a party. I was there with my friends, dancing till dawn, drinking a lot and so on. Around 2:00 in the morning, I noticed someone at the bar that I couldn't take my eyes off. And to this day, I still can't believe that he liked me too, and it all fit together so well that it felt like a movie. I've never been very lucky in love. I'm lucky in attraction, but what I started experiencing with him was a first. I thought love was overrated, but since I've known him, I recognize myself in every other love song or rom-com. I'm pathetic, aren't I? (laughs)
It's been over a month since your breakup. Is it final?
I wish it wasn't, but I don't know how to turn it around. I'm desperate.
We just got on the subject of your breakup over a chat about travel. Let's get this straight - you cheated on your partner, didn't you? With who and when?
It was a completely casual relationship, a fling. Completely unimportant. I travel a lot for my work and my personal life. It's always been important to me to see new places. If I stayed in one place, I'd go crazy. I think travel is a sign of freedom. That we can leave and come back at any time, we have to appreciate that. And I'm lucky that my job is actually about that, so in that sense I've fulfilled a life goal. When you're abroad, and for a long time, you want to have fun, you want to enjoy everything the place has to offer. I didn't see what I found there as infidelity. There was no emotion involved. Just enjoying the situation, having fun, it didn't mean anything.
Maybe not to you, but to your now ex-partner, it was vital information. How did he find out?
I told him myself, between words, actually. It wasn't that I was bragging, I just mentioned that I'd experienced something in a certain place. And my partner realised it was the first time I'd been to that place last year. I didn't see it as a major problem. With former acquaintances it would have been a fight at most, maybe not even that.
But by then you were really in a "relationship", not a relationship, right?
That's about right. I wasn't stalking until then. If I was comfortable with someone, we'd see each other. If not, we stopped seeing each other. It wasn't until my ex-partner that I went all in. It was the right thing to do in every way, and I still feel that way.
There's a stereotype sometimes in movies or TV shows that infidelity doesn't count between gay people outside the country. Is that the reason? Did you feel the same way? Or did you just rely on it as an excuse?
I don't really know. Probably both. I thought I could talk my way out of it, but I was wrong. As soon as I said it out loud, I realized how I screwed up.
Do you see this movie stereotype as a real unwritten rule?
I guess not. I don't know. It's very much on my mind right now. Until now, I didn't care about anyone's opinion of my decisions. But I'd say a lot of guys do. That across the border, where it's clear it's not going to continue and it's just an experience, it's not taken as seriously. I've known couples who've argued about it but stayed together. It's just not as big an issue as cheating on someone long term at home, making a fool of them and lying to them. To me, that's infidelity and betrayal. Not casual sex with a hot guy you'll never see again somewhere by the beach.
Have you ever talked to your partner about being monogamous?
I told him I've never been in a relationship like this before. That I'd never been with just one person for a long time before. There was no specific discussion about monogamy, but he now takes it as infidelity and won't talk to me. He broke up with me and doesn't return my calls, doesn't communicate. It's hell.
How many of these foreign experiences have you had?
A lot, I don't know how many. I don't count. I spend a lot of time on the road and I'm a young guy. I see it almost as an attraction, like going to a bar and having a drink, dancing... If you're not an idiot and you use protection, it's fun. That's how I've always felt about it.
Has your perspective changed? Now that you're going through the pain of your breakup?
Maybe in some ways, but when I go somewhere, I'll do it again. I don't have a partner anymore, and sex is important for my health. It's as necessary as food or sleep. I don't see anything wrong with it. I think the only thing that's broken down for us is communication. He should have warned me that this was unacceptable to him. And we'd have to talk about it so he'd understand how I feel. I think he's overreacting now because he doesn't want to understand. It's a stupid situation.
