"When people get to know gay couples in person, it stops bothering them that they have a child," says Jakub, who is raising an adopted son with his partner
When did you and your partner first say you wanted to be parents? Was it a long term plan or was it more of a spontaneous decision?
We first started thinking about having a child three years after we got together, so about ten years ago. But in the beginning, it was just thoughts like it would be nice to have a family of our own one day. We both had, and my boyfriend still has, well-paid jobs, so that played a big part in our decision. We first wanted to save up some decent money in case something happened to one of us, or just for the sake of adoption, so that our child would have everything at the beginning of the journey. Plus, neither of us had ever researched how adoption works before, and certainly not with same-sex couples, so once we realized that the playing field wasn't fair at all in our country, the decision was made not to rush into it just yet.
But after a couple of years, we'd had enough of waiting, and with plenty of money saved up, the decision was made that the time was right. Even though it meant that legally, at least for now, my partner and I would not be on the same page. Which was quite a risk, because if anything happened to me, God knows where the baby would end up.
Do you remember the moment the court ruled that you were the legal father? How did it feel?
Total euphoria. I didn't think it would be any different from the adoption period, but it's like comparing a trailer to the movie itself. They're worlds apart. We also tried not to get too emotionally attached to the child throughout the process in case the adoption didn't work out, but it didn't really work. When you're holding someone in your arms every day, changing them, putting them to sleep and singing songs, try to have neutral emotions towards that person. So once the court ruled that I officially had a son, it was about a thousand times more intense than at the beginning of the adoption process. I can't put it into words. I guess the closest I can come is nirvana. (laughs)
So you ended up being the one who stayed home on parental leave. Was that decision clear from the beginning, or did you and your boyfriend argue about who should stay home?
That's how it made the most sense. While my partner has a long-time job in the civil service where he is highly respected, I was working in a private IT company where conditions were not so great. The pay was great, but I had been thinking about changing companies or the whole industry for a while. We didn't have any big debate about it. I just announced it to my friend and didn't allow any discussion. And now I can actually reveal that I made that decision weeks before the deeper conversation came up, so I had time to prepare a proper argument. Obviously, that helped me quite a bit.
What was the reaction of those around you when you announced that you were going to be parents - and that you were going to be the one staying at home with your son?
Most of our friends and family were supportive because we had already prepared them well in advance. And every time someone tried to "discourage" us, we always found a counter-argument thanks to our enthusiasm. Of course, some people questioned the importance of the mother because they couldn't imagine how it would work. But this was due a lot to the fact that they had not yet known a gay couple with a child. We were actually their first personal experience, and a positive one at that.
As for me personally, since I wasn't always the most orderly person in my life and often neglected things, there were a few people who didn't find it entirely appropriate. In fact, even I was often stressed as to whether I could do it alone at home, but anyway, my son is alive, so are we, and strangely enough, our home is looking much better than ever. So the reactions were initially mixed, but today no one in my neighborhood has the slightest problem with it.
How do other parents accept you? I mean, outdoors, like in the playground or at the children's centre...
It varies depending on whether I'm alone with my son or with my partner. In the first case, logically, no one notices me. Nowadays it's quite normal for a father to be out alone with his child during the day. The more interesting experiences come when a single parent comes over to be friends and find out who I am, or when all three of us go out together. And the reactions are really different. From surprise and then sounding off to disgust and cursing. We've really heard a lot of things over the year, but thankfully I can say that the outright negative or downright nasty treatment has been minimal, I'd say a few individuals. But we expected much worse. And I say this knowing that Czechs are generally quite tolerant.
Anyway, we are meeting more and more gay couples who have a child or are working on it. So we more or less ignore the negative comments. But to confess, we have no idea what to do when our son hears this at school or out on the street. I don't expect society to completely change in a few years.
So how do you see Czech society? Is it ready for two men/two women as full-fledged parents?
That's a very difficult question to answer. If you look at it from the outside, in general, probably not yet. On the other hand, I know from my own experience that once people get to know you better, they stop having a problem with it. A lot of it is due to the fact that there are still quite a few individuals who claim that two dads in particular must be pedophiles, or some other deviant who want a child at the very least just to raise another gay man. It's absurd, but those who actually believe it are not few.
How does your partner deal with having to leave all the parenting formalities to you, that he can't interfere for now?
It was very hard for him at the beginning. From the very first moment he has been involved in parenting just as much as me, yet he can't handle the necessary things like health care. Sure, we could probably do it with some kind of power of attorney, but that seemed pretty humiliating in this case. Anyway, since he filed for adoption, which will be resolved soon, the pressure has gradually been taken off him. Now we're just wondering whether to enroll our son in preschool or stay home with him for another year. If we choose the first option, he will be the one to make it all happen.
What message would you give to other gay couples who are thinking about parenthood but are worried about legislative obstacles or the reactions of those around them?
Don't worry about it. Yes, it's not easy, but if you really want a child, there is always a way. And most importantly - don't be put off by the opinions of people who think that a family must look only as their parents taught them, and in turn their parents, etc... A child needs love, stability and care, and they can get that from two dads or wives just as well as from any other parent. Period.
