"Venerophobia is ruining dating for me. The kind of responsibility I'd like to imagine is not worn," says the man. "I'm not asexual," he adds.
Our talk will be very focused on one specific area that makes relationships - or building them - difficult for you. And that's the fear of sexually transmitted diseases, right?
I googled it and the word venereophobia popped up, which is messing up my dating. I'm not officially diagnosed with the phobia, but I think I have it. Many times I've worried that there's something wrong with me, that I've caught something and it's a shame, I'm going to die, live in pain, etc. It's a big scarecrow for me.
Before we get into the reactions and difficulties of dating, do you have any idea where this fear stems from? And are you afraid even when the risk is minimized by protective measures?
I still have that fear. I'll admit, I've had a lot of psychological problems around covid, for example. I lost my job as a self-employed person, I was worried about the mortgage, my father died and everything started to fall apart. And I started having a lot of physical problems. I started getting eczema, I had gingivitis, which I'd never had before, and I started losing weight. I had no appetite, I had trouble sleeping, and I was always running a bit of a fever. Maybe only slightly above thirty-seven, but it was still weird compared to normal. My eyes burned as I didn't sleep, my face was swollen from crying because my psyche was taking it even more and I was suffering from depression and anxiety... To cut a long story short, I was convinced I was HIV positive.
What made you come to that conclusion?
Intuition. Fear. I hadn't had a partner in three years, and my last relationship was with an ex that I was living with. Still, I figured he must have cheated on me, gotten infected somewhere, then gotten infected, and then covid me hard. I was sure I was going to die.
Did you take the test?
Not for a long time. I was so scared and ashamed. I both wanted to know and didn't want to know. I was so scared that for a while I even thought about hurting myself. That I would just leave this world on my own terms, not as a sick person, not as someone who died of an STD. I didn't want anyone to know. And that includes a doctor or a lab technician or basically any living soul. I figured they'd be sure to tell everyone about me, find me on social media, know what I looked like... And yes, I can hear how paranoid it is to tell it in hindsight, but at the time the fear was real.
When did you find out you didn't have HIV? After all, you made your own diagnosis based on very vague symptoms and an internet search, which isn't the best way to go about it. When did you decide to see a specialist?
That's just the story that stumps the dating. I've been on dating sites, sometimes I haven't. I didn't pursue apps during my most depressed times, but I would occasionally text someone when I was having a better day or moment. I didn't even want a date, I just needed someone to talk to - and strangers are actually better for that than people you know. I've even had fake dating profiles at times, I admit - just so I could be honest and tell someone off.
I once met a chemistry student on a dating site. We never met, but I told him my story and what I was afraid of. And he said he thought I was just very stressed. We talked a lot about psychosomatics and he convinced me to take the test. And so I ended up going. I felt like a wound. I was wearing a black sweatshirt, I was embarrassed to even walk down the street, like everyone could see where I was going. And world wonder, I was fine in that regard!
How did it feel: to find out that you were free of any problem in that respect?
I cried tears of joy then. I really did. But it didn't take away my fear. Eventually, communication with the chemist died down and I moved on. I had a few dates, but when someone really liked me, which is not that often, I eventually wriggled out of it. I was bothered by the idea of us starting to get close. Twice, I asked guys I really liked if they'd take a test run before we got together. One took offense right away and we never saw each other again. The other one promised, but never went. And as much as he pushed me to have something together, it wasn't sustainable. We fought a lot about it. And then I even googled what I could catch of the kissing because I was suspicious that he was so terribly resistant to testing.
Do you currently have a partner? If not, when was the last time you had one?
I don't, and my last sexual partner was just my ex years ago. I just can't get over it. I want love and closeness so badly, but I'm scared. The kind of responsibility I'd like to have doesn't come with the territory. But honestly I would be scared even if my potential partner took the test. What if he cheated on me one day? The day after the test? You never know, and no protection is 100%. Read the condom box, quite often you'll read the formula that the product "may" significantly reduce the risk. It can. Reduce. Not that it will 100% prevent it. It's maddening and I don't understand how others can be so calm.
Do you take your attitude as responsible, or as limiting in the sense that you feel it's really about phobia and paranoia now?
I don't know. Sometimes I think this, sometimes that. I grew up in a big family, nobody in our family was ever sick. My dad died of a heart attack, and if you forget his diet and lifestyle, it was basically like a bolt from the blue. But I just like space, cleanliness, quiet... And the need for it gets greater and greater with age. I couldn't last three days in a room with two siblings. I can't look at the dishes on the counter. I'm bothered by unmopped carpet - or rather, I'm bothered by carpets in general. And I had all this around me when I was growing up. I was sick of it, but I could handle it. Now I don't know. My home is clean, but when it comes to relationships, I don't know how to make myself feel as comfortable. I'm not asexual, and there's a big part of me that craves love and physicality. So maybe someday I'll find someone who feels the same way.
