"If you stay the same, you'll stay alone!" says the young entrepreneur, whose relationship requires major lifestyle changes. Is adaptation a sign of respect?
Before we get into the rules you and your partner have set, let me ask: How many relationships is this for you? I'm not talking about sex or short-term relationships, but a really stable partnership: what is your experience?
I've lived with two men in total, not counting my current partner. The first relationship was while I was still in college. We lived together in a dorm. The second one started right after that. That relationship started with covid and ended last year.
When you say it started, you haven't been single for a while?
I've never been single in my adult life. I'm the kind of person who jumps from relationship to relationship, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm just a couples person. If a relationship doesn't suit me, I'm very quickly able to find another one. If someone isn't capable of that, it's their own business and they should work harder on themselves. I think (and I know I'll probably get a lens for this) that if you're trying desperately, nothing is working out and you're unable to attract anyone, it's not a matter of the system or the times. It's you. Work hard, don't be a lemming, and suddenly it will work.
I know you have a rather strict approach to many topics. Is it a matter of discipline, experience or maybe a little ego? You're a successful young man from a good and supportive family who, to put it popularly, just naturally looks good. The genetic lottery has been quite generous to you - though of course I know you practice and work on yourself to maintain and improve your assets. Anyway - do you see it as an advantage, something that not everyone has, or do you think that anyone can do what you've done, but they have to try and persevere?
I'm obviously lucky to have a family, you know my parents helped me in the early days of the business, but I paid them all back. I mean, I know I've had more opportunities than some. I don't deny it. If someone is really unlucky, I feel sorry for them. But the ones who piss me off are the ones who are always whining, talking and doing nothing. I know a lot of such dreamers or rather dumbasses and I'm sure everyone can think of someone like that in their neighborhood when they think about it. There are so many of them, it's hard to watch. It really touches my heart. I may have been and am lucky, but there is also a lot of hard work, sacrifice and learning behind me. And I'm rightfully proud of that.
What does your partner do?
My partner is studying and is in e-commerce. I don't want to give too many details because we are working on his coming out now. But from what I can say: he's twenty-one, we met online seven months ago and we've been together since day one.
Was it love at first sight?
It was. I don't like things to be artificially prolonged. It makes me blush to hear all the advice about how long to wait for this and that. I knew he was the love of my life as soon as I saw him. And he felt the same way. I finally broke up with my ex that day, and we went straight to living together.
Were you in a relationship when you went on your first date?
I was in an unhappy relationship. And I think that's reason enough to find someone else. I tried, it didn't work, let's move on.
Where was the problem?
Exactly what my partner and I are now fortunately able to solve. My ex wasn't able to change the things I needed him to change. And it wasn't the little things. To give you an example, I told him a thousand times that I needed him to take care of himself so we could keep the spark going. But he didn't. He was always in sweatpants at home, sometimes he wouldn't even take a shower. But when he did go out, he'd sweat it out. Why he wasn't able to do that for me, when the most important thing for me is to make him look good, I don't know. For me, neglecting myself is neglecting the relationship. No one wants to touch a sweaty slacker on the couch who won't get up for three hours, eats food he knows full well he's storing himself, and wastes his time instead of using the time off for romance or something useful.
It seems to me that you still have a lot of emotional stake in this issue. You sound angry just thinking about it...
I'm angry! I worked my ass off. I work sixty hours a week, sometimes more, but I never go home like a vagabond. He got a flat at work and his worries were over. He didn't try to grow, improve, he was satisfied with what little he made. It was like sitting on a rock and watching life go by. It almost killed me with him.
You broke up with your first partner in college, why?
Similar reason. I dropped out of college, he didn't. But not because he was so eager to finish. He wanted to "enjoy" the student life, which means doing nothing, not thinking about the future... He never had a part-time job or internship, started practicing a hundred times and never kept the habit. Plus he ate meat every day - and that makes me sick to my stomach. I understand it sometimes, but all the time? As time went on, he became downright disgusting to me.
Is it an unwillingness to change, or more of a general incompatibility?
I think, objectively, I was right. Ex has been single ever since, and I'm not surprised. I've heard how he thinks Grindr sucks and everything is wrong, dates don't work out and so on. But he doesn't see at all that no one on the level wants to go into a relationship with someone like that. If he doesn't want to conform, work on himself and get out of his toxic comfort zone, he's out of luck. Stay the same, stay single! And good for you!
Is that when you found partner number two?
Yes, I did. And at first, he pretended we understood each other. For the first month or two, he was very particular about how he looked. He also talked to me about how he wanted a promotion at work and what he could do as an operator with the business - compared to what was happening there under the current management. But I gradually realized that he wasn't trying to do anything, he just sounded too busy to have anything to talk about. It was just talk. If you are doing nothing with yourself in a relationship, stagnating and pulling both of your energies down, what to think about that? I think it's a sign of disrespect.
What do you think is a sign of respect?
Fitting in. When I see that my partner is better at something than me and wants things better, adapting is a sign of respect. If I'm not doing any of those things, I don't deserve to be with that partner. Let people like that pair up with each other and complain together about the government, money, their own weight, even UFOs. But the problem is elsewhere. That's my opinion.
Are you and your current partner on the same page? Does he have the same priorities as you?
He didn't, but he does now. If he was living the way he did before we met, I wouldn't want him - and I told him that up front. So he's currently starting a new job for school, and he's doing well. And we're figuring out the right way for him to stand up for us. His family probably won't take it, but it's important that he accepts the fact that he's going to lose it. There's nothing he can do about it. He's not gonna stop being gay, and you can't live a lie.
How does your partner handle your pace and, for example, how clearly do you perceive his coming out to his family?
I've handled it, so he'll handle it. We've talked about it a lot and we both want to make it work between us. He has the benefit of living in my apartment, he only pays me rent up to the amount he can afford while studying. I'm at least trying to make it easier for him that way. I share everything I have with him. And I expect him to contribute to our relationship with as much commitment as I do.
What's the main message of what you wanted to say to the world? What's bugging you?
It's the excuses that annoy me. Everyone has to fight for what they want and need. If he doesn't, he has no right to whine. I, for one, have a relatively good life in the Czech Republic. Not everywhere in the world I could run a business, live openly as a gay man and so on. But we need to move forward even if we are relatively happy. Relatively not completely. And that's my message to all people regardless of orientation or anything else. Don't give up on your dreams and needs! And certainly not to someone who is dragging you down!
