"My partner and I wanted to be parents at all costs, and today my son is suffering because of it," admits Erik, who regrets his decision.
Eric, you and your partner are raising a teenage son. What was your journey to parenthood like?
Very complicated. We considered pretty much all of our options. Of course, surrogacy came first. But that's a process that's not only a bit of a no-man's land, I mean legally, but it's also quite expensive. We were afraid to take the risk in the Czech Republic at the time, because you can never be sure if you will actually get your child in the end. This is where Czech legislation is really bad. We also looked for agencies that mediate surrogacy abroad. But we haven't been able to raise that kind of money. So in the end, we had no choice but to try to make arrangements with our lesbian friends. In retrospect, we regret it a lot.
You mention surrogacy and then basically the "contract form" of it... did you ever think of adopting a child? Or try foster care?
Of course it did. It's just that my partner and I had this manly need to pass on our genes. (Laughs) Continuing the lineage, watching our offspring "grow into form", these are all joys we would have missed out on. Because someone can say how gay and lesbian couples can't have children, which not only isn't true, but it doesn't mean that we wouldn't have exactly the same parental instincts as any other heterosexual. I should also add that gay adoption was certainly not easy those fifteen years ago. The idea of working our way through the system was not only discouraging, it was quite frightening. We didn't want to let strangers pry into our lives. Perhaps you could say we took the path of least resistance, it seemed that way at first. But today we tell ourselves that we should have borrowed money and gone into this surrogate.
You're obviously referring to the fact that some problems have probably arisen in your imaginary "shared parenting"...
I'm afraid so. My friends and I made a deal with my partner. Leaving aside the who-what, the agreement was that the child that was born would have the father's name on the birth certificate according to the sperm donor and the mother's name according to whichever of the friends carried and delivered the child. We were aware of all the other "problems" that this brings, but we also agreed in advance to alternate care. But we had no idea what problems might arise around this over time.
Given the experience of my divorced friends, I would assume that you have, for example, the problem of changing your place of residence... and consequently your job...
Well, changing jobs and residences is actually the least of your problems. (laughs) Although it's true that fortunately we haven't had to think about it yet. We are all Prague people and we really like the metropolis. What has turned out to be much more complicated is our alternate care. (laughs) Actually, my partner and I don't understand at all how someone could come up with such nonsense and even enshrine it in law. Has anyone thought what it does to the children? We are living proof of how literally disgusting this system is. Our friends broke up six years after having our son. And the birth mother started a new life, unfortunately not exactly what we would have wanted for our son. What was worse, the new situation began to be unsuitable for our son. His mother had found a new girlfriend, but for her son was more of a burden, which she also showed him...
From what I hear around here, I'm guessing there wasn't much you could do about it...
Exactly. In the eyes of the law, regardless of the fact that I am raising my son with my partner, my (former) friend and I are the parents. So my son had to stay half the time with us and half the time with her, at least until he was twelve, when his wishes could be taken into account. Not that it helped much... And I have to say, it was pure hell until he was twelve.
My son didn't like going to his mother's house, even because of her new partner, he always suffered from stomach problems beforehand because of it, and it always took a few days for him to recover after we got back. so that everything could start all over again. Nevertheless, his mother refused to give in and on the contrary, she was still pushing us through the lawyers for even a refund for the days when her son stayed with us for health reasons. He would come to his mother crying, stressed out, and come home to us like a bundle of misery. Eventually we had to start seeing a psychologist with him. Personally, I think it's all irreversibly scarred him. And my partner and I take the blame - it was a very stupid decision on our part to have our son "with friends".
Has the situation at least improved?
His contact with his mother is regulated, but he still has to go there. Which must actually be hell for him even today, he's 15, he wants to be with friends, and even at this age - as he admitted to us several times in a weak moment - he says he wants to be with us, which my partner and I really appreciate. (Laughs) We are very sorry when our son has to stay with his mother, where he is simply out of compulsion. Of course, we are also sorry that his mother does not function as a mother, we obviously underestimated the "choice"... But that is why we would have a completely different approach today.
I suspect that if you were to advise other gay couples who want a child, the way you and your partner have chosen would probably not be the way you would recommend to them...
Surrogacy in this case is really the best possible way to go if you want to have a biological child. That's why my partner and I just shake our heads at how our politicians want to start regulating this area - and how the discourse around IVF is changing here. Anyway, if I had a time machine and could go back those fifteen years, I would avoid our chosen path for the sake of our son.
