"The worst part was the gaslighting. I felt like a fool," says the man of the relationship that convinced him he wanted to be single instead
In past interviews, we've talked about your taste and how sometimes it's socially challenging to dress and groom yourself. You also opened up to me about your mom's illness and passing when you were in high school. Now you're an adult and independent. You live on your own, you earn your own money, you have friends and hobbies... What you chose not to have is a partner. Before we get into why you prefer the single life, tell me, how long have you been single?
Alone is a very relative term. I don't feel alone. As you say, I have friends, and I have a lot of them. I'm a very social person, I'm happy to attend just about any event because I think the right people are good everywhere and it's a shame to turn down experiences. At the same time, I also really like to organize things like wine tastings or social games at my house. I'm a big fan of records and I also have a lot of records and a record player. Everyone who has come to my place has seen my records. I'm really proud of them. I'm sorry, but all the guests have to get over it! (laughs)
As for the loneliness that comes from being in a partnership, I haven't been in a serious relationship for quite a few years. I've had a lot of boyfriends, of course, but I never let them go too far emotionally. I make it clear to everyone up front that I don't want a commitment right now.
So you're always fair and upfront about it? You're not, what's the saying, pulling anyone's leg?
I think it's fair to say these things up front, because if you don't, people get disappointed and hurt. I don't want to hurt anybody. I've picked my own nose enough in the past to inflict that on others.
So you were looking for a serious relationship in the past? Did you see it differently?
When I was, like, 19, I really wanted to belong to someone. Maybe it comes from family, too. My parents were together literally until they died - until my mom left. My grandmother has been with my grandfather for three centuries, my aunt and uncle have been together for as long as I can remember... I learned that you're supposed to live in a couple. That's how I felt, and I felt inadequate when I didn't have anyone. I was hungry for love.
Hungry for love? Where did you get that kind of love?
When my mom was gone, I felt like I was in an ice castle with my dad. Dad's great, not to say he was doing anything wrong, but the heart of home just wasn't there anymore. And my dad, even though he had a friend who often spent time with him, took my mom's passing very hard too. So he shut down for a while. We walked around in the apartment like somewhere in an airport waiting room where nobody wants to be, but we have to be because there's nowhere else to go. Suddenly it was very impersonal. So I was really mad for a while.
I felt like everybody was mating around me but me. There was a discussion about who was going to live with who in college, and I got kicked out by a friend of mine who we were going to be in an apartment with because he also got a girlfriend and suddenly came up with the idea of the three of us living together. Eventually he backed out of it completely because they decided they wanted privacy. In retrospect, of course I understand that decision, but when you're not even 20 and you feel like you're alone in the world, it throws you off that you're suddenly going to live with strangers in a roommate's place. You feel like an outcast, a stranger... Everything was falling apart and I was hanging out on the internet, always texting and trying to get meaningful dates, dates that turned into something that worked. But when you chase someone like that, it never works out...
Sounds like you wanted a relationship first and foremost, not this particular person you might have just been texting...
I always thought I was in love. I'd quickly get attached, emotionally committed, and then of course I'd just have eyes to cry into. It was all desperate. It wasn't about love for them, it was about lack of love for me. I didn't know how to be alone.
When did that change? I know you had a serious relationship eventually. A very serious one. You even lived together...
I don't want to exaggerate, but it was clear from the first date that it was going to be different. It was intense from day one. I fell in love, so did he, and for the first few months I felt like I was flying on a cloud. I was living in a roommate's apartment at the time and so was he, so we agreed to find one of our own because we were both annoyed by the same problems like sharing a bathroom with people who don't even flush the sink when they shave or the perpetual mystery of food disappearing from the fridge. I was always running out of fabric softener, even though I kept buying it over and over like I was doing ten loads of laundry a week. I'd had enough, so the decision to live together was quick. I was really looking forward to it. We went shopping, of course, and immediately painted the studio apartment we rented ochre. We picked out flowers as if they weren't just houseplants, but vital accessories... We enjoyed it.
Sounds like the fairy tale didn't last long. I feel like we're heading for a crash, right?
You don't know what it is! My boyfriend at the time, let's call him Ivan, wasn't aloof with the family. Which would be fine, I could stand not being shown to my parents. But it meant a lot more psychological problems than you'd think. I was beginning to blossom by this time. That's what I call the period when I started getting manicures and gradually bought a nail kiln and gels to take home because it's cheaper in the end, plus I'm a creative person so I enjoyed doing my own nails. I started wearing jewellery, more statement outfits... And my boyfriend didn't take that well. In the beginning, he would just talk to me, tell me that maybe something didn't look right or that I looked weird. But eventually it got to the point where he threw my nail clippers in the trash.
That must have hurt you, and things like that don't cost a lot of money when you're a student and you're counting every penny. Did that happen often?
He often forbade me to wear things, hid them and said he didn't know where they were. To this day, I don't know where some of my accessories ended up. When we went out, he never held my hand because he was afraid someone would see us, which I can understand when you're not quite settled with your family and everything, but later he didn't want to go anywhere with me at all, saying he was ashamed of me. That I'm a b*tch at first and that my appearance puts him in a position where people who see us together have to know right away that we're together, even though he's not ready to talk about it yet. And we haven't even touched each other in public.
What does that kind of energy do to a person in a relationship? How did you experience it?
My weight was fluctuating wildly at the time. I was more tired and irritable. I felt like I had to watch my back all the time and couldn't be myself with joy. Whenever I was expressing myself for myself, I felt like I was bothering someone, and that's a challenging feeling. I still struggle with it to this day and I'm convinced it's trauma from that particular relationship. The fighting and yelling was too much for me. The worst was the gaslighting, where you know that you put your stuff somewhere in the evening, for example, and it wasn't there in the morning, but your partner, the only person who could move it, said to your face that he hadn't seen it. I felt like a fool. That I was careless and out of my mind. I still couldn't find anything. I kept trying not to cause a problem, but somehow, mysteriously, it always came up anyway. All I had to do was stand in front of the mirror and do my hair and I'd hear, "Are you doing this to me on purpose!" He'd immediately get mad because he said I wanted to be too expressive and draw attention to us - to make him come out and make him jealous. It was debilitating. I can't tell you how many times I broke down.
How did you end the relationship?
We broke up many times, usually for a few hours. But eventually I just took my stuff and went to my dad's for the summer. I gave our landlord three months' notice and stopped answering the phone because I couldn't. It was a constant barrage of attacks or, conversely, crying and pleading, sometimes mixed together. Ivan was constantly texting and calling me and his moods changed within minutes. Even worse when he drank or took something. I don't think you can live with an unbalanced person who refuses to work on himself. It's really a gamble with your own health. And I've been happy to be alone ever since. I don't want to stress at home anymore. I need to relax after work, not worry about what's coming.
