"Never even tried": what to do if your friends hate your partner
Best intentions
When someone in our circle of friends brings a new partner, they immediately become the main topic of conversation. How did he behave in the pub? Is he compatible with our friend? And most importantly - is he generally good enough? Often it is our friends who have the highest expectations of us, who know us best - and who may meet us and our partner on holidays and parties for many years to come. But what if our friends and new partner just don't click?
Keira, 34, knows this problem all too well. "One of my good friends has been with her partner for years, but he's never tried to start a relationship with us," she says. "Whenever he's with us, he's sitting alone somewhere with headphones in his ears to avoid conversation, or he's making excuses about watching sports on his phone."
At first, Keira and her friends were sympathetic and thought he was just shy. "But over time it started to get on our nerves and seemed more like just plain rudeness," she explains. A friend eventually married him, but his behaviour didn't change. "It's all strange. He even developed a strange enmity with two of my friends who have known her for twenty years. It's like there's a strange shadow hovering over the whole thing."
Keira's story is one of the worst-case scenarios - it's not a toxic or abusive relationship - but even when the new partner really tries, he has a hard time. "Expectations are high," says 32-year-old Jess. "I have maybe even higher standards for my friends' partners than they do - because I can see it takes someone really special to be on their level."
It's even more difficult in groups that are long-standing and tight-knit. "There are a lot of jokes that only insiders understand, a lot of allusions to something that happened six years ago and everyone laughs at it. And there's also a certain dynamic of teasing and prodding," he adds. In addition, the new partner has to strike a balance between being confident and talkative enough, but not arrogant. "You want him or her to be nice and relaxed, interested in others but also able to listen. It's hard to hit the right balance."
According to Olivia Rose, an experienced psychotherapist, the most important piece of advice for a new partner is to "Be yourself." Meeting a new group of people can be stressful, but trying to appear different from who you really are can backfire. "People tend to put on an act to impress, but in the end, that tends to lead to problems - and you can't sustain that kind of game long-term," says Rose. "Keep calm and remember that your partner will also have to get to know your friend group at some point."
If friends and a new partner don't get along, it can have long-term consequences. Just look at Reddit, which is full of desperate "What should I do?" questions from people who don't know how to handle their friend's relationship with someone they can't stand. The reasons tend to range from condescension and differing political views to someone bragging about how they made their therapist cry.
"It's sad," Jess says. "Eventually you stop inviting that person to events and prefer to see friends alone. And in doing so, you lose touch with a big part of his life." He also often watches friends change in the presence of their partners. "It's not nice when you see someone being tense or trying to make excuses for their partner and smooth over the situation."
I, too, have been in relationships where I've felt awkward because of what a partner said, or frustrated that they didn't try to fit in with my friends at all. Knowing that your friends don't like your partner is very uncomfortable.
According to Rose, some people feel the need to "teach" their partner how they should behave. "But I wouldn't recommend that. Let him be the way he is. Otherwise he may feel criticised and pressured. You are with someone because you respect them and believe they are good enough as they are. And if it doesn't work, it just doesn't work." She recommends letting things flow naturally and reacting to what happens instead of trying to manipulate the situation. "You have to trust the process."
Keira is sure her friend knows how her friends perceive her husband. "She's careful what she says about him because she knows there's a tense atmosphere between us and that we might be critical of him."
But there's no harm in keeping some things about your partner from your friends, especially when it comes to the little things. Few people share intimate, funny or sweet moments because they can come across as bragging - while complaints are easy to remember. "We're much slower to forgive our friend's partner because we only hear the bad stuff," says Jess.
According to Rose, we should be careful with how many negative things we say about our partner to friends. "Friends then put themselves in a difficult situation - if they tell you the truth about not liking your partner, they may risk your friendship or put you in a situation where you have to choose between them and your partner." It's better to work through some issues with a therapist, she says. "A therapist would ask you why you're even with someone you're talking so negatively about, whereas your friends are more likely to enjoy it as just gossip."
But when a partner gets along with friends, it's perfect. "It's great when you hit it off," says Jess. "I really like one of my friend's boyfriends - when I met him it was like 'Wow, a new friend for me!" We don't have to be best friends with our friends' partners - after all, they're the ones dating, not us - but the ability to hang out at the table and have a nice conversation is definitely beneficial. And sometimes a little patience is needed. "Hopefully good friends will be generous," says Rose, "and show love and kindness to whoever you've chosen."
