"I've always wanted children, but my partner says it's against nature. We're still fighting about it," Patrik fears a breakup
Patrick, how long has your cohabitation with your partner lasted and how is it going?
We met almost ten years ago at a company event. I wouldn't be afraid to say it was love at first sight. We instantly hit it off like we'd known each other for a long time. So the evolution of our relationship was consistent with that. (laughs) Within three months we started living together, first in a rental, and after about two years we got our own place, a shared one. We have a dog, a cat, you could say we live a really happy partner life. But I want to take it further and have a family, I've always wanted children.
As I understand it, the subject of children and parenthood has become a subject of protracted arguments in your home...
Exactly, the whole debate started innocently enough in my opinion. One Christmas I said something to the effect that it would be great to experience Christmas with children, that it would be a great joy. That I would like to prepare everything for them. But my partner reacted very irritably, saying that perhaps we had nieces and nephews and that was plenty. I was surprised at how vehemently he rejected the idea, but attributed it more to pre-Christmas stress and let it go. Then when I broached the subject some time later, it was all the same.
Did your partner explain the reason for his reactions?
I tried to talk to him calmly about it. I explained to him that there are many options today, I personally would like to give a home to a child or children who have been abandoned by their own parents. Again, there are different ways, but I didn't really get into any details. My partner immediately exploded in anger that I should forget about the children quickly. That it was against nature for two guys to have kids, and that he refused to deal with it any longer. I wanted to adopt, not procreate... (laughs)
How do you explain his position?
I don't really know what to think. I was completely shocked. I don't know where he came up with this, but every time I tried to talk to him about it in a calm way, he immediately brushed me off.
You've been together for almost ten years now, has your partner never acted out in this way in the past? Have you seen any signs that he doesn't want children? You haven't discussed your future and your plans any further?
I've never noticed any warning signs. My partner gets along with our nephews and nieces without any problems, they sometimes stay with us for holidays - and I have never noticed any problem. The kids love him. And I always thought he did too. I mean, he certainly likes our relatives' children. But it's a mystery to me why he so extremely rejects the idea of us having our own.
And as for our plans for the future - of course we've talked about that. But in the beginning of our relationship we were more focused on work, our careers and building a home together. We have a fairly large apartment, and when we bought it, I thought when we were planning our offices that they would eventually be kids' rooms. But it was an unspoken wish at the time. Maybe if I had mentioned it, many things would be different today.
What do you mean?
For the last two years, we've been beating around the proverbial bush on the subject of our own family. Otherwise, things are fine at home, but this is still up in the air. My partner's pissed that I'm not giving up. And I'm also pissed that he refuses to even acknowledge the idea or even discuss the possibility of having children. I've always wanted a family and now I'm sorry he doesn't want one. And sometimes I even question whether (and for how long) to stay in the relationship.
So you didn't mention how much you wanted a family in the beginning of your relationship? That may have been a bit of a mistake, too...
In hindsight, I think so too. It's just that gay relationships are different. The topic of family is usually discussed by straight couples. Plus, having kids is kind of expected. My partner and I hadn't discussed it - and my indications that I wanted children too were clearly not clear enough in the past. And they should have been. Because it's true that not everyone gay wants kids. So in that sense, the "blame" really probably goes to me for not putting my cards on the table right away.
After living with your partner for quite a long time, can you think of any reason why your partner would be so resistant to the possibility of starting a family?
I haven't learned anything from him himself, as I said. Well, apart from the absurd idea that it's against nature. But I asked his sister if she had any idea what the problem might be. And basically all we could think of was: worrying about whether he could handle it and be a good dad. Because they grew up with just their mum, their dad left them when their partner was eleven. Of course, that could have some effect. But it's also a very sensitive subject, the partner doesn't talk about his father at all, he's never forgiven him.
But that sounds like a pretty relevant justification...
I suppose it is. And this is going to sound stupid, but I actually hope it is. Because for me, it means there's some hope for change. Because if he really meant what he said to me, I think if I came across someone who felt the way I do, it would lead to a breakup. But if it all stems more from some trauma and insecurities, I believe that could be worked on. My partner's sister has promised to try to talk to him and recommend possibly seeing a therapist. So we'll see. Anyway, I'm not giving up. Giving a child who hasn't been lucky enough to grow up in a loving family a loving home is something I find supremely meaningful. Hopefully, in time, my partner will come around to it.
