"I left my wife for the love of a man. My family cut me off, I am not allowed to see my grandchildren," Jarda describes the difficult situation
Jardo, if someone says they have "left" their wife, they are usually asking for some level of "condemnation" directly. Could you elaborate on how the whole situation played out for you and how big your children were?
I say my family cut me off because I left her, that's true. But it's also true that I certainly didn't leave my wife and young children in the lurch. No way. My age - I'm in my late sixties - can certainly suggest that it was all a bit different, and that "abandonment" is more of a shorthand. I think I've been a pretty exemplary father, taking care of my children, daughter and son, like any ordinary dad. I tried to live a normal family life. Even though I wasn't very good at it. At some point I realized that a heterosexual relationship wasn't for me. But it was because of the kids that I decided to stay. So my children grew up in a complete family. It wasn't until they were fully independent and living their own lives that I decided to do the same. I was almost 50 at the time. I told myself it was never too late to find love and happiness. I found love, but happiness is more complicated.
So by the time your children left home, did you decide to do the same?
Not right away. I didn't want to put undue pressure on my wife. It was gradual, first my daughter moved out for good, then my son. But it was only when my daughter got pregnant and my wife seemed to have related happy worries that I decided to come clean. I tried to make it as painless as possible.
Until then, your wife had no idea that there might be "something wrong" in your relationship - i.e., that you were attracted to men?
I don't really know, I haven't had much opportunity to find out. Plus, I think I played my part quite convincingly. Not that I'm trying to deceive anyone. It was more like I was deceiving myself. But I was really trying to keep the family together. But when I told my wife everything I had to say, she broke down. She had some idea of how we were going to function as grandparents and enjoy our old age together. And I supposedly deprived her of all that...
Did you plan to cut off contact with your family?
Far from it. I didn't understand the conclusions my wife drew from that. I was hoping that our separation would be as amicable as possible. I believed that in time we would function peacefully as grandparents - after all, I hadn't decided to fly to another planet. I just wanted to try to finally go looking for what I was missing.
And didn't your wife see that as a kind of "betrayal"? In the sense that she was just a substitute for something you really wanted?
That's not what it was. I married for love, but I was an ear. Our children were born out of love. But after the revolution, things loosened up in our country. Information about homosexuality began to appear. And I suddenly began to suspect that I might be gay. But the children were young and everything moved very slowly. I let things go. As time went on, my confidence in being gay grew. But I decided I wasn't going to break up the family. The kids could have paid the price. So I stayed and waited. I still have a deep respect and love for my wife today. But it's a different kind of love than I have for my partner.
Your ex-wife's reaction is one thing, the children's reaction is another. As far as I know, your departure has made things very tense in the family...
Exactly. Leaving aside the hysterical reaction of my ex-wife, who decided not to communicate with me except through a lawyer, the hardest blow came from our adult children. They had absolutely no understanding. Soon after I left our household, they cut me off completely. They stopped answering my phone, responding to any communication. And if only that. I lost the opportunity to see my grandchildren because of it.
The kids didn't give you any explanation for how they chose to handle the situation?
I got a text from my daughter. She said she texted me for her brother, too. It was a very harsh message where she wrote about how she grew up lying and how badly I cheated her mother. Supposedly, she'll never get over it. And so the kids decided that they would not forgive me and they would punish me accordingly.
Some ten years have passed since all these events - if I count correctly. Has anything changed in your family relations?
Not at all. For the first year I tried hard to make contact with my wife, which proved impossible. But I could understand, it was fresh. But she didn't react afterwards. And the children? I tried to explain everything to them too, I sent long letters to my daughter and my son, trying to tell them everything as I felt it. But it was futile. I got no response at all. I finally gave up. I moved to another city, found a new job and a partner. I write to my children every year for birthdays, holidays and of course Christmas. I also sent presents to my grandchildren at first. But they came back undelivered. So today, although on a personal level I am living as I wished, I have lost everything I loved and built up all my previous life.
Do you regret your decision?
Of course it hurts me that my children have rejected me and I am not allowed to see my grandchildren. I'm sorry I hurt them. But I also finally found the love I wanted. I have a fantastic partner whose family and I get along great. It's a small "band-aid", but regret is definitely not the right word in this context. I'm happy that I don't have to hide who I am anymore. Even if the consequences of my decision to "be myself" suck.
