"Being a virgin at twenty-nine is no longer an advantage today. On a dating site you're considered an exotic," says a man who gave up looking for love
In your e-mail, you told me that your desire for love was in vain. Do you see that as a definite fact, or is there still a part of you that believes and hopes that you will find someone you are comfortable with someday?
For me, it's a closed case. I'm thirty-one. I was on a dating site the year before last, and I was really into it. When you hit 30, everything suddenly changes - especially your perception of the world. It was such a milestone for me. You just want to have a lot of things at 30 and you're moving towards them. If you don't have them, it hurts. I remember hating every day that I approached that birthday because I was nowhere near the position I had long wanted to be in.
For me, love just isn't for me, it's a closed thing. I'm not a cheap-minded person, I'm hard to get to know and few people want to really work at a relationship. I was willing, but I was alone in it. I think those of us who are really serious and want to get down to the nitty gritty have the hardest time.
Have you ever had a relationship that looked like a relationship?
I've had an acquaintance. If you're asking me about intimacy, it didn't work out. I think the body belongs to the one who loves you. And I haven't experienced love.
The only love I've ever known is my grandmother's love. That's been my biggest support in life. When I lost her, I realized that was the end of it. It's just me against the world.
Against the world?
The world is a tough place. And I think it's gonna get worse. Look at what's going on around us in politics. Not just in the Czech Republic, but all over the world. And economically, too. This is not going to end well. Actually, I'm not surprised that the relationships aren't working. Nobody knows what it is to be truly committed anymore. They're just looking at their cell phones, everything is a commodity - even people.
You've never known a couple that actually worked on the level you wanted?
Never. In every relationship, I see how it's grating, how people are nasty to each other, and I don't want that. I don't see how they can accept that. Do they have no pride?
I'm sorry if my question comes across as confrontational, but I understand you've never had a relationship, you only see them from the outside. Isn't that jumping to conclusions? That love just doesn't exist, people don't really like each other and are mean to each other? Do you really believe that?
I'm convinced of it. I just see how my sister and her husband act. Or our parents. Or the people around me. I just couldn't live in that. I wanted something more, something honest, but it's just not to be found.
What's your experience with dating sites? I know you've been on them for years...
Very bad. It's a dumping ground for the worst of the human residue, competing to see who's the baddest. I'm sick of it. I can only remember how much it bothered me at the time. If I'd given it up long ago, I'd have saved myself an awful lot of disappointment and misery.
I personally was looking for a deep connection there. I was honest and always wrote down who I was as a person, what I wanted and what the train wasn't going through right at the beginning. But it never came back to me with the same coin. Sometimes it felt like it, but in the end it still turned out to be a lie or the person on the other side was probably bored. I don't know. Anyway, I've learned that being a virgin at twenty-nine isn't an advantage anymore. It's not even good to be honest and ask people to be on some level. On a dating site, you're a freak if you're like me.
Have you ever wondered if it would be better to open up all the topics in a face-to-face meeting or maybe in a different tone? I'm asking because I'm sorry you've never been on a nice date, if I understand correctly. Maybe it would have been different in person...
Every time I've suggested a date, it's fallen through. Just a bunch of excuses. Plus, if you're gay, there's not that much choice. There's not that many of us here. Suddenly I was seeing the same people on all the dating sites over and over again and it was clear there was nowhere to go.
What kind of lifestyle do you see for yourself in the future?
I've decided to go for the single life, it's much easier than getting hurt again. I want to focus on my work and building a home. I have a mortgage and I want to pay it off as soon as possible. And then we'll see. Maybe travel.
You're talking about emotional trauma. Do these feelings come from failed dating attempts, or is there more to it?
I find love in general to be a very difficult subject. Our parents fought our whole lives. They both drink more than they should, but they don't want to admit it. I'm a teetotaler because of it. But my sister, she's following in their footsteps, and she and her husband down a whole bottle of wine every other night. I haven't attended family events since I became single. My beacon was my grandmother. An amazing woman who has given me so much, it's hard to explain. The only pure person I've ever known. She helped me when I was having the hardest time. I didn't fit in at school, I was bullied and my parents didn't care. No one stood up for me. Only my grandmother was always there for me.
The bullying I experienced was really bad. Mostly because I'm gay. Then it was also because of my height, and of course I had glasses. But by the end, it didn't matter what I wore or what I did. I was always a target. I don't trust people, they're mean once you're just a little bit different.
Does your distrust of people, relationships and love stem from this trauma?
Absolutely. I've been taught enough that you have to look after yourself and look out for yourself. No one can help him when he's at his worst. I can always rely on myself 100%. That's the main thing for me. I pride myself on being trustworthy enough for myself - I don't put anything in my body that would harm it, I have clear boundaries and I don't hang out with people who are sneaky.
I know you had something you wanted to say to the readers. What was it?
Mainly that they should think about themselves. If they're hurting someone. I think that's important. People are so mean to each other on and off the dating scene, it makes me sick to my stomach. I'd like it to stop.
