"I'm gay, but I married my girlfriend. I see love as a deeper spiritual connection, I don't care about sex," says Kryštof
Christopher, you refer to yourself as gay - how do you perceive this "category"?
I think sexual identity is really about sexuality. And that for me is physical attraction, the associated arousal, the fulfillment of sexual need. I consider myself gay because I am attracted to men on a sexual level.
You're attracted to men, but in your personal life you have a woman by your side. Don't those two realities contradict each other?
In my opinion, not at all. Like many gay men, I've always been dominated by two groups of people. The first is gay men, and I've tried to find partners among them, but it usually just ends up being sex. And the other is female friends. I've always gotten along with them, and growing up, the ones who helped me the most were my female classmates. I've always been very close to women, not sexually attracted to them, but always very comfortable with them. Whereas with other gay men I slept with, but it usually didn't go any further. I had a number of short-term relationships, but they weren't fulfilling.
So you decided the solution was to get married to a woman?
It may sound crazy - I don't know what I want. Some might even conclude that I'm bisexual. But I'm not. I dare say I'm very much in tune with who I am and what I want. I love men in my bed, men turn me on sexually. But I have not been able to establish a close enough relationship with any gay man to be able to talk about a spiritual connection, an intimate love. But that's exactly how I feel about my girlfriend, now my wife. We enjoy our time together. We share the same interests, the same values. My wife is the closest person in my life - and even though I'm not sexually attracted to her and we don't have sex, I love her.
How does your partner deal with this situation?
We've known each other for many years, and she's also had a couple of failed relationships with men - so we actually have a lot to talk about too. (laughs) She has decided, like me, to put sexuality aside and follow the voice of her heart.
So you don't fulfill your sexual needs at all?
I didn't say that. (laughs) But it's true, we don't have sex. Yet we don't live in celibacy. We simply separate physical need from emotional attachment and spiritual connection. In my opinion, sex is about physical satisfaction - and that can be arrived at in different ways and with different people. The gay community is actually a beautiful example of this; one-night stands are quite common among gay men. But I don't want to condemn gay people for this behaviour. Some try to find partners this way, but usually their efforts end in failure leading to resignation. And so sex really comes down to the physical. But then you get depressed about being alone all the time. The emptiness in the heart is not filled by a one-night stand.
Aren't you worried about feelings getting into one of your physical relationships? How do you feel about infidelity?
I view infidelity pretty much in line with how I view orientation and relationships. I distinguish between physical gratification and emotional connection. I and women are aligned with the fact that we each have sexual needs and desires that we also fulfill. We talk openly about it.
After all, isn't your partner in a less "advantageous" position? You are not physically attracted to women, but she is attracted to men. Have you ever dealt with a situation where she longs to have sex with you?
I admit we haven't dealt with that. So far - and we've been married for over six years - we're comfortable with our setup. And to further clarify, of course one needs sex to live, but neither of us is very demanding in the sense of needing to indulge in sex on a daily basis. But we are open and intimate with each other, we have no inhibitions about it, we just have never engaged in classic penetrative sex together.
In spite of this, when a gay man decides to live with a woman, it is possible to encounter opinions that this is not an ideal situation for either party. The woman may secretly desire something she can't get, the gay man is "threatened" by the fact that his "partner" will eventually find someone to start a family with... By the way, have you considered the question of family?
Well, on that level, we are an example of pure paradox. Unlike other gay men, I have a woman by my side, we could have a child easily and without any problems. I don't particularly want one, but my wife and I have discussed it. If she wanted a child, I'm sure we could work something out. (laughs) But so far this situation has not arisen, my partner is happy with our relationship as it is.
And as far as other people's opinions are concerned - let everyone think what they want. We've lived together for over ten years, we've been married for six years. That's something even some heterosexual couples can't do. That our relationship "setup" is different? So what? That's our problem. Sure, you can shake your head at it, and not everyone could handle it in real life. But if this concept of marriage didn't suit us, we wouldn't be together.
