Secret thank you for friendship: 'For me, she's someone who literally saved me,' says bullied young man about his work colleague
What memories does your time in high school bring back? Can you describe the situation you were in and, more importantly, how you felt?
When I think back on it, I still feel anxious. High school was like an eight-year prison for me. At the beginning, I had no idea how bad it would be. I thought if I kept quiet and tried not to stand out too much, the others would leave me alone. But the opposite happened. By keeping to myself and having no one to stand behind me, I became an easy target.
I dreaded going to school every day. Even when I got up in the morning, my stomach clenched, and the closer I got to school, the stronger the feelings became. I often felt sick and had to find excuses not to go to school. But my parents didn't know what was going on. They had enough problems of their own, and I didn't want to add to their worries. I tried to handle it on my own.
Can you tell us exactly what these classmates were doing? What forms of bullying did you experience?
It was all sorts of things. Most of it had to do with my character and how I acted. I was always this skinny, lanky kid and I didn't have much talent for gym class. When we played football, I used to get called names for messing up the game. Then it started escalating into personal attacks. They laughed at me for the way I looked, called me a buffoon or a faggot, even though at that time I didn't know what to do with myself. I never passed coming out in college, and even then it was like everyone knew beforehand.
But it wasn't just about words. It was also about being ignored, about being excluded from the team. I never sat with them at lunch, never got invited to a birthday party. I felt completely alone. Those eight years were an endless marathon of loneliness and constant fear of what the next day would bring.
Did you try to talk to anyone about what was going on? Like teachers?
I tried. Teachers knew about it, but they never did anything to really help me. I went to them a few times when it got really unbearable. They told me to get more involved, to try harder to be part of the collective. But it just didn't work. How was I supposed to get involved when I was being told how bad I was every day? Plus, I was naturally quiet, never the type to rush into conversations or conflict.
And at home? It was difficult at home. Like I said, my parents had their problems. My dad was sick and my mom was in charge of not only him, but my two younger siblings. When I felt really bad, sometimes I wanted to say something, but I always swallowed it. I didn't want to burden them. I was afraid they either wouldn't understand or that they would start worrying about me even more. And I didn't want that. I already felt like I was just another problem in their lives.
How did you end up finishing school? You passed your high school diploma, but you mentioned that you had anxiety issues...
It was a disaster. I didn't make it through my first attempt at graduation at all. I had a panic attack at the oral. I was sitting there, in front of the board, and I was about to start talking, but suddenly I got really sick. I couldn't catch my breath, my hands were shaking and everything was spinning. I couldn't get a word out. Finally they had to call an ambulance because I couldn't calm down.
After that fiasco, I felt like a complete failure. It was just another thing that reinforced how incompetent I was. I ended up passing my high school diploma on the second try, but even then I knew I wasn't going to go any further. The thought of college terrified me. The thought of having to be in some collegiate group where I would be a target again was unbearable.
What happened after you finished school? How did you handle the transition to adulthood?
It was challenging. After college, I knew I couldn't stay in my hometown. Even though I had family there, I couldn't be there. It was too small a town, everyone knew each other there, and I was afraid that I would continue to be judged, either because of what I had been through in school or because of who I was.
I moved and started working. It was a chance for me to start over. But it wasn't easy. The first weeks at work, I always felt like I was being watched, judged. I was afraid to go to lunch with my co-workers, lest I accidentally say something wrong. It took me a long time to realize that not every team is like the one I experienced in high school.
You mentioned that you met someone at work who helped you a lot. Can you tell us more about that?
Yes, that's true. I was new there and I was scared. She, the friend, noticed and came to me right at the beginning. She's the complete opposite of me - she's an extrovert, she's cheerful, she hangs out with a lot of people. I was the quiet one who sat in the corner and hoped no one would notice. But she brought me out of my bubble. Without any coercion, she gradually drew me in with the others.
It was her attitude that pushed me to try trusting people again. It's funny because she doesn't even know how much she means to me. I don't know if I would even be here today if it wasn't for her. In my most difficult moments, when I was considering whether it was even worth continuing, I realized that there was someone who was good to me after all. She made me believe that the world wasn't as bad as I thought it was.
You said you'd never thank her for that. Why did you thank her?
I don't know. I'd be ashamed. I'd think it was weird. She's very friendly with me, she doesn't see it as a special thing. I'm sure if I told her how much she helped me, she'd be embarrassed. I think to her I'm just one of many friends, whereas to me she's someone who has literally saved me.
It's funny, but I think sometimes people don't even know the impact they can have on other people's lives. And I'd hate to complicate her life by telling her how important she is to me.
Do you feel like you're in a better place today in terms of your life and your mental health?
I'm sure you are. I'm not saying everything's rosy, but it's better. I don't have the panic attacks I used to have in high school. But I still have a long way to go. I still have trouble making relationships, I still have the fear of rejection. But I'm working on myself, slowly and gradually.
What would you say to those who are going through something similar to what you went through in high school?
I would probably tell them not to be afraid to seek help. It's awfully hard to go and tell someone you're struggling, but it's important. Everyone needs someone to support them, to stand behind them. And even though it may seem hopeless now, things can change. It only takes one person, one small step to show you that things can be different.
And I would also tell them that there's nothing wrong with being sensitive. It's not a weakness. It's okay to be who you are, and no one has the right to put you down or judge you for it.
