"My mother told me it was my fault," Jakub says of his experience with domestic violence. "They said I had no reason to be afraid of a woman."
Jakub, let's start at the beginning - could you describe how you met your ex-partner? What attracted you to him and how did your relationship develop in the first few weeks?
We met quite ordinarily, through mutual friends at an event. He charmed me at first sight with his confidence and charisma. It was beautiful, I had never been so taken with care and concern before.
We both agreed that we were looking for something more serious, and things quickly developed. After a month, we decided to start living together. Looking back on it now, I realize how quick it was. But at the time, it seemed like a terribly romantic move.
When did you start to feel something was wrong? Was it gradual, or was there a moment when you realized it was going in the wrong direction?
It was very gradual, which is the dangerous part. At first, I didn't realize anything was wrong. I thought it was normal for a partner to want to know where I was, to feel the need to contact me all the time. It was more that the little things that now in retrospect seem like warning signs seemed harmless at the time.
I remember when he started demanding that I keep location sharing on my cell phone on all the time. His explanation was that he was worried about me, that he wanted to know where I was in case something happened. In the beginning, it was even a little sexy - I thought it was a sign of his love. But gradually it became something that started to take away my freedom. Whenever I was away from home, he wanted to know exactly where I was, what I was doing and who I was with.
Sharing a location was the one place where you lost personal freedom very quickly?
Soon came the cancellation of my personal bank account. It started innocently, too. He suggested we just have one account, that it would be better for joint management. I didn't want to seem suspicious, so I agreed. But it soon backfired on me. He checked every expense, criticized me for spending on unnecessary things. And every argument about money was accompanied by reproach and suspicion. He claimed that I was buying more expensive things to please someone else, that I was having expensive coffee with someone I was cheating on him with... Gradually I became afraid to buy anything or go out.
How did you handle the constant suspicion and remorse? It must have been exhausting to feel like you had to watch your every decision...
I gradually lost contact with my friends because I didn't want to get into situations that would lead to arguments. In the end, I lived only for him, to avoid further conflict. And it started to destroy me. It was like living in a trap that I didn't know how to get out of.
Have you talked to anyone about this? Did you try to confide in anyone or seek help?
There were times when I thought about confiding in my parents, but I couldn't. When I moved away from them, I just told them that I had a partner and that I was going to live with him. During my coming out, they asked me to keep my relationships to myself until it was "serious". That hit me. I figured my parents didn't want to know anything about my relationship.
Were you fully aware at the time that you were a victim of domestic violence?
I think deep down I knew, but for a long time I didn't want to admit it. I always told myself it would pass, that things would get better if I tried harder. I hoped I could change him, that I could show him that he could trust me. But that was just an illusion.
I started getting stressed all the time, I couldn't sleep, I was gaining weight. And he blamed me for it - he said that my excess weight was proof that I didn't value him, that I was lazy and that I should think more about how I looked. But when I tried to lose weight, that too became another source of suspicion. Every move I made was wrong. And I was so afraid of more arguments that I preferred to stop making decisions about anything.
I didn't go anywhere but to work and then home. I often had to take sick days because my partner would lock me in the house if he didn't want me to leave. He thought I was having an affair at the office. I just couldn't avoid those suspicions no matter how hard I tried.
When was the moment you knew you couldn't take it anymore? Can you describe what made you finally quit?
I kept replaying it in my head - if this was the life I wanted. Do I still want to be scared? To be locked up at home, controlled, with no friends, no hope of change? In the middle of one night when he fell asleep, I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I quietly got up, grabbed a few things and just ran away.
What did you feel when you ran? Was it fear, relief, or a mixture of everything?
Mostly fear. I was afraid they'd hear me and wake up. My heart was pounding so hard, I felt like he must hear it too. I was really scared. More than once, he physically attacked me. I was scared to death.
Once I was outside, I felt a great sense of relief. It was like a huge boulder had fallen off my shoulders. But I was also overwhelmed with sadness. In a strange way, I still loved him very much and it hurt to leave him. I didn't know what was next. Where to go, how to stand on my own two feet. The only thing I could think of was to go to my parents.
How did your parents receive you? Did you talk about what you'd been through?
When I got there, my mom answered the door and saw that I wasn't okay. You could see it in me - how exhausted, sleep-deprived, full of stress I was. She let me in and seemed worried about me. But when I later started telling them what I'd been through, they didn't take it the way I'd hoped. My father was silent, as if he didn't know what to say. And Mom... Well, Mom actually told me it was my fault. That if I hadn't fallen in love with a man, none of this would have happened. That if I'd had a woman, I'd never have had to face such problems, because I'd have had no reason to be afraid of a woman, I'd have been stronger. That hit me. After that, I knew that once I became independent again, our relationship would never be close again.
What's the next step for you? What's your main goal now?
My main goal is to learn to love myself. And to accept that I'm entitled to love and respect. I want to rebuild my self-esteem to know that I deserve more than what I've experienced. And I also want to open up to people again, not be afraid of new relationships. But now I know that the most important thing is to give myself time. I don't want to push myself. My main battle now is within myself.
