"When my dad found out I was gay, he fired me. He told me not to ruin his other son," Jiří recalls. He found unexpected support from his grandmother
Jirka, your coming out wasn't entirely idyllic. Could you tell us about the atmosphere in your family?
I was just seventeen and it had been clear to me for a long time that girls didn't mean anything to me. But I also knew my dad really hated gay people. Actually, I grew up in an environment that was very hostile in this respect, my dad always made fun of gays, or rather, ridiculed them. And if a character like that appeared on TV, he would immediately switch to not watching such perversions. Because of that, I had a big problem to reconcile the fact that I was going to be gay. I liked my dad, so it was fighting inside me. Should I disappoint him? And deny myself? It was hard, but I decided I'd rather not talk about it until I moved out of the house. But in the end, things turned out very differently.
So you wanted to keep the fact that you were gay at home at least for the necessary period of time - but that didn't happen. What happened?
I have a brother four years younger than me, so he was less than thirteen at the time. He was too young to understand anything. Anyway, unfortunately, he caught me with a friend - and we were kissing. It was a huge sensation for him, so he immediately ran home and told his parents.
How did your parents feel about the situation?
When I got home, I had my suitcase packed. I'm not kidding. My dad was sitting on the couch in the living room and he didn't even look at me. My mom looked very puzzled and I got the feeling that she didn't really know what was going on herself. It's been twenty years, but I remember it like it was yesterday - I was standing in the hallway and felt like I couldn't breathe. My father just told me to get my things and go. And then he said - and I'll never forget this - that he wasn't going to let me fuck up his other son. That finished me off. I took the stuff and went. Actually, I guess I could somehow handle the fact that my father hated me, but that he was even capable of thinking such a thing...
Where did you go with the suitcase?
I didn't exactly have a lot of options. And I didn't have any money. The only person close to me I could go to was my grandmother. I should point out that it was my grandmother on my father's side. She lived alone because my grandfather died when I was little. So I took a chance.
Did you tell your grandmother what happened at home?
There was no other way. First of all, I made her cry at the door, so it was immediately obvious there was a problem. But my grandmother surprised the hell out of me. I told her what had happened - and why. And I was expecting some sort of snarky lecture, a misunderstanding... But Grandma just shook her head and told me to unpack my things in Grandpa's former office. Then she just asked me if I wouldn't mind if she called my mom to tell her I was okay and that I'd be there.
So your grandmother took you in like that?
That's right. This may sound crazy, but I had a great time living with her. Suddenly I could be myself, I didn't have to hide anything. My grandmother was in her early sixties at the time and very active, so we spent a lot of free time together. She also had a lot of friends that we socialized with, and none of them had the slightest problem with me.
Did you introduce your grandmother to your boyfriend?
Yeah! And not just the first one. (Laughs) My grandmother was fantastic - in fact, I would say that in a sense she was delighted to have unexpected company in the end. (Laughs) But I was very grateful to her for letting me stay with her. And I really enjoyed it.
How long did your grandmother provide you with a background? What about your family - did you not see each other at all?
I lived with my grandmother for almost five years. I finished high school and then went to college - she offered me to stay with her so I wouldn't have to spend money on rent. I would go to part-time jobs and contribute a little bit, and of course I would help her at home, with cleaning, with shopping, cooking and stuff. I didn't move into a sublet until I was in graduate school, when I found a more permanent relationship. I only stayed with my parents for the rest of that time - when my mom let me know my dad wouldn't be there. I didn't see my brother, but we connected around the time he left home for college as well.
It's been twenty years since your father kicked you out of the house. Has anything changed in your relationship?
It hasn't. My mother and my father eventually divorced, so today we have a normal and relaxed relationship - even with my partner - and I have a relaxed relationship with my brother. My father doesn't show any interest in me. On the contrary, it was because of me that he stopped seeing my grandmother, because she took me in. Anyway, I am still closest to my grandmother, fortunately her health is still good and she is still surrounded by great friends. My partner and I visit them all often and I have to say that just from my grandmother's side we still have a lot of support. It's ironic that we have found the most support from the generation that many think of as rejecting everything "new" and that which doesn't conform to an earlier view of the world.
