"He looked at me like I was a stranger," Luboš recalls of the day his father threw him out of the house. Now his parents are trying to bring their son back
Lubos, your story is full of emotions and no doubt it is not easy for you to revisit these experiences. How would you describe your life before coming out? What was it like growing up in a family and environment where you were expected to fulfill certain roles?
I like to reminisce about my childhood, although I see it a little differently now. I was a typical kid who lived for football. My dad was very supportive of that. He came to every game with me, stood on the sideline and watched me play. Everyone thought I would play at the top level one day, and my dad was the same way - he was proud of me. It's just that while everyone else was talking about how one day I'd settle down with a girl and have a family, I knew inside that was never going to be my path.
As a teenager, I felt like I wasn't like other guys. When they talked about girls, I thought of them more as friends. I was searching for myself a lot at the time, but I was also scared. I was afraid of what would happen if I told the truth. I was in a small town where everyone knew everything, and the pressure to be "normal" like everyone else was huge. So I tried to fit in. On the outside everything seemed to be going well, but inside I was confused and lonely.
That must have been really hard. When was the moment when you realized you couldn't hide who you really were anymore?
I was 19 when I realized I couldn't hold it in anymore. That's when I first fell in love. This guy and I were texting on the Internet. It took a few months before we finally decided to meet. The first time I saw him in person, everything fell into place. Suddenly I knew this was the way it was supposed to be. That love gave me courage. I didn't want to pretend anymore.
But even though I loved him, I was afraid of what would happen if I told him at home. Dad had certain ideas about me - I was supposed to be the stereotypically perfect son, the continuator of the family tradition. Suddenly I was faced with a decision that could ruin everything.
Yet you decided to come out, to both parents at once...
I felt I couldn't take it anymore. The love that I was experiencing at the time completely consumed me, but at the same time I felt like I was living a double life. At home I was still the "model son", but inside I was falling apart. I was tired of the constant struggle with myself. My boyfriend at the time was very supportive. He knew it would be hard, but he also told me that until I opened up to the world, I would never be truly happy. It was either live an authentic life or hide all the time. And I chose the former.
And what was the reaction? How did the whole situation play out?
I'll never forget that moment. I stood in front of them and could barely speak. It was as if my world had collapsed. I wanted to tell them gently, but the words were stuck in my throat. I started to cry, I just couldn't take it. My mom hugged me immediately. I think on some level she may have sensed it, even though we never talked about it. She told me she loved me no matter what.
But Dad... He couldn't handle it. He just stood there, completely emotionless, looking at me like I was a stranger. After a while, he said something to the effect that if I was really a faggot who wanted to embarrass him, I could pack up and leave. It was a shock. I knew it would be hard, but I never thought my father would reject me like that.
How did you handle leaving home? When you packed up and left, it must have been a huge turning point in your life...
It was terrible. I couldn't stay at home, my dad was absolutely adamant. My mom tried, but she knew there was nothing she could do against him. Eventually I went to my grandmother's, who took me in without asking too many questions. She was always like that - she never said much, but you could tell she loved me and wanted to help me. But even though I had a roof over my head, I felt lost. I had lost my family, or at least a big part of it. It was like I had lost part of my identity.
How have your relationships with your parents changed since then? Have you tried to make any contact with your father?
My dad and I haven't spoken since. Not once. He didn't want anything to do with me and I didn't have the energy to deal with it anymore. I felt terrible, but I knew I couldn't go back and beg for his acceptance. That would mean I'd have to deny myself, and I didn't want that anymore. Things were better with my mom, but there was still something between us. We called each other, we saw each other sometimes, but it was different. It wasn't the relationship it used to be. I think my mom tried to keep the family together, but my dad cut me out of his life.
Now you're faced with a tough decision - your dad's sick and your mum wants you to come home and help. What does this situation bring up for you? What are your feelings?
It's complicated. When my mom called and told me my dad had cancer, I suddenly didn't know what to think. On the one hand, he's still my dad. Even though he rejected me, I still feel some form of love or compassion for him. But on the other hand, I still have that moment in front of me, like today, when he told me to leave. The years we haven't spoken, the way he treated me. I can't just forget it. And I don't want to take a step back and sacrifice myself for someone who never accepted me.
My mom's pushing me a lot right now. She wants me to come back and help her take care of my dad. She says we could be a family again. But I'm not sure I even want that. I don't think Dad's changed. And when I told my mom I wasn't coming back, she was devastated. She told me I'd let her down, that I wasn't her son anymore.
How do you feel after all these events? Have you ever regretted your decision to leave home and be honest about your sexual orientation?
It's true that sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had never told. Maybe I would still be living at home, maybe I would have a better relationship with my parents. But then I realize it wouldn't have been me. I'd have to lie to myself all the time and live up to the expectations someone else has placed on me. That's not life. So even though I lost my family, I gained my freedom. I learned to stand on my own two feet and be honest with myself and others. And that's something I wouldn't trade for anything.
