"It's not hard for a man in love to lie. He wants to trust you so much that he will lie to himself," says a man whose partner left him in an illness
Danny, let's start at the beginning: How did you meet your ex-boyfriend?
I first saw him at a big party. It was one of those nights when everything's great and there's no tomorrow. I was there with some friends from college. You know, these events are always wild and full of alcohol. Plus I went to this party because there was a good band playing.
Did you like him at first sight? Or was it more of a passing acquaintance that turned into an interest later?
We met during a drinking contest, which isn't exactly romantic. It was kind of that typical crap where it's all about who can drink the most in the shortest amount of time. Somehow we hit it off and started talking, but I can't say I fell in love at first sight. I remember us both laughing and telling each other we were going to be sick soon. Then the band started playing and we moved to the dance floor. We were dancing and at that moment I felt like we had some chemistry. It was more of a one night stand, I didn't think it would be more than that. My experience was that most guys don't go for commitment.
And how did it go? Did you say goodbye that night and meet up a few days later?
Honestly, we hit it off right away, which is not my thing, but it had the right vibe. We went to my place and he was there until the morning. Usually these things end up with everyone going their own way. But when he texted me a few hours after he left me and wanted to see me again, I was pleasantly surprised. I invited him to dinner and I was really looking forward to it. It was something I hadn't experienced in a long time - genuine interest from someone I found attractive.
So you two started dating pretty quickly?
Yes, we started seeing each other regularly and it was obvious that we were "together". After a few months we decided to start living together. I got an apartment from my parents in Prague, where I was living alone, so we decided that she would move in with me. It was the obvious and easiest solution. Everything seemed ideal.
That seems like a very nice development. When did the first problems come?
The first problems started when I found out I had testicular cancer. It was a period when I felt tired and not myself. My mom convinced me to go for a checkup. Unfortunately, my family has quite a history of cancer, including my father who had died the year before from lung cancer. When the doctors told me I had prostate cancer, it was like my world came crashing down. I was expecting all the evil in the world after what my dad and I went through... So I folded.
That must have been really tough. How did your boyfriend react?
At first, he seemed like everything was fine, that we'd get through it together. He even accompanied me to one of my appointments. But I quickly began to feel alienated. He was less and less at home, he started making excuses why he couldn't spend time with me. When I pointed this out to him, he accused me of making things up, of being overly sensitive because of my illness. But I sensed something was wrong.
Intuition? And was it right?
It was. It took about three weeks before he finally admitted the truth to me. He told me he wasn't ready to live with someone who was being treated for a serious illness. It was like someone punched me in the stomach. I felt completely betrayed and abandoned. I was ready to fight the disease, but suddenly I was alone. That feeling of loneliness and abandonment was more devastating than the cancer itself.
How did you cope? What helped you get over the betrayal?
It was one of the hardest times of my life. The disease was caught at an early stage, so I had a good chance of recovery. Almost a certainty, I'd say. My initial dismay was quickly calmed as I wasn't even expecting to suffer through the procedures for very long. But the feeling of being left alone, of losing someone who was supposed to be my support, was overwhelming. Thankfully, my family and friends were there to support me, but I still felt like I had lost a part of myself. As I healed, I realized that what hurt me more than all the treatment was the breakup.
Where did your life go after recovery?
After treatment, I just went back to my normal life. There's nothing else to do, the world goes on. And in the end, you're glad for the hustle and bustle. I was back to my hobbies, my friends... And that's when my ex-boyfriend reappeared in my life.
What did he come up with?
Crying, begging for forgiveness. Claimed he'd made a mistake, that he'd realized how much he loved me. He said he couldn't live without me. It was hard, but I finally gave him a second chance. I believed he regretted it. That he was just wrong, scared... I wanted to understand.
How did your relationship continue after he came back?
We tried to pick up where we left off, and everything seemed to be on track. But after a while, I started to feel that something wasn't right. A few months into treatment, I decided to take a year off. I wanted to do things I enjoyed - painting, travelling, improving my foreign languages. It was my way of coping with everything I'd been through. I wanted to live peacefully and happily, without unnecessary stress.
I suspect my boyfriend wasn't happy. Or was he?
At first he seemed to understand and was ready to support me. But as soon as financial matters became more complicated and we had to start saving, he started to pull away again. At first I chalked it up to my paranoia, but then the same thing that happened last time started to happen - less time at home, less communication. And I began to suspect something was wrong again.
I know you had the right intuition again, which your friend was talking you out of. And that the reason for the estrangement wasn't pretty at all...
Yes, he found a side job. It was a blow, but I was more prepared this time. When I found out that he was cheating on me with an older man, I felt tremendous anger, but also disappointment that I probably wasn't enough. I was looking for fault in myself. I asked myself what I was doing wrong that my partner kept running away from me... I wanted to break up, but he came crying again, begging me for forgiveness, saying that his affair was over and that he wanted to be with me. And I took him back again. I knew it was the wrong decision, but at that moment I just didn't have the strength to say no.
What finally made you end the relationship for good? Because I know you're not together anymore...
When my boyfriend decided to move to Germany with the older man. He just packed up one day, told me he was sorry and left. I was left in complete shock. I didn't even cry anymore. It was as if all my emotions were gone... I figured it's not hard to lie to a man in love. He wants to trust you enough to lie to himself. I realized that I betrayed myself the most when I took him back every time, even when he hurt me.
Danny, what you've been through is very powerful. How do you feel now, after all this?
It's like waking up. I've learned that I have to put myself and my needs first. That the love that destroys me is not real love. As hard as it was, I feel I'm stronger now. I'm doing what I enjoy and finally focusing on what fulfills me. I'm no longer afraid to be alone because I know it's better to be alone than with someone who doesn't appreciate me.
