"I was seconds away from drinking the disinfectant out of desperation," recalls former alcoholic Michal of his darkest moments
Did you realise that you had a problem with the amount of alcohol you were consuming, or did the impulse come from outside?
It was my family, from whom I had been getting suggestions for some time that it was over the edge, but I didn't take it too seriously. Thanks to the people I was associating with at the time, my drinking, or rather the frequency of it, seemed normal to me. I was a classic weekend drinker up until the weekend, doing my normal duties during the weekdays and then getting really into it at the weekend. But once the pandemic hit in full force, and I suddenly had nothing to do due to my job, there was too much free time. I became bored, and when this was combined with many other unpleasant circumstances, this weekend pastime gradually spilled over into the whole week.
When your surroundings told you that something was seriously wrong, what did you do, how did you act?
At that point you don't realize much and don't want to admit anything, so everything continued the same for a while. You know, I've always been a bit of an outlier in the group I used to drink with. I was always very fast and very drunk, so the signs that I wasn't doing something quite right had been with me for a couple of years before that. I'd have blackouts sometimes. I was only 20 years old when I often woke up the morning after a party wondering what I had done again. But even though it wasn't entirely pleasant, I carried on. But things started to escalate after my dad died, when I could drink really heavily for 14 days straight.
What was the major impetus then that made you decide to actually start doing something about it?
It was a period when I was really bad physically and mentally. I was coming to work with the last vestiges of will and strength. I even drove drunk in my car, which made me lose my license. That was one of those important moments when I realised that I could have caused serious trouble not only for myself but also for someone else. I also realized I had another big problem. Because whenever I woke up during the day, I had to drink any kind of alcohol immediately. So, for the first time, I thought, this is what I need and want to deal with.
The first thing I tried was outpatient treatment. That helped me physically for a short time, but it wasn't long term. Mainly, I didn't stop drinking altogether. For the two or three months that I was in treatment, I was just cutting back on alcohol rather than stopping altogether. I just didn't do the "hard stuff" and replaced it with beer. But that doesn't solve anything. It helped me more on a psychological level because I finally talked openly to someone about my problem.
But then I broke up with my girlfriend, ran out of money, even stopped paying rent... well, one problem piled on top of the other, and the more there were, the more I drank them away. And finally, I realized that I had no other way out, that I had one last chance to fix it all.
This was the moment when you decided to go to a traditional rehab?
Yes, on the recommendation of an outpatient doctor, I went to a dime detox first, which was crazy. The withdrawal symptoms are unreal and hats off to people who can do it all on their own without any help. The first 5 days especially were really hard, in every way. Everything gradually dawns on you, your judgement clears from the alcohol and you suddenly notice things that you completely overlooked in your alcohol haze. You also start to have all sorts of questions in your head. What am I gonna do when I get out? Am I gonna make it? Will I make it? What will my friends say to me?
After those ten days I went to a hospital in Prague, but it didn't feel good at all. There were people there with me without any motivation. They told me they were looking forward to going back to drinking and drugging. I was quite unhappy about it, I really wanted to get out of it and that kind of environment didn't help me. So I voluntarily chose a much more challenging option.
I found a community where treatment is a little different. Specifically, it was the Fides community in White Water. There are two options - a six-month stay and a one-year stay. I chose the first one, but eventually I extended it by another month. The way it works is that there are 20 people in the house and they take care of each other, i.e. cook, wash, clean. At the same time, there is a therapy team there at all times. And it was very much focused on psychotherapy, we had sessions three times a day. There were even stressful situations on the agenda, for example, when we went camping in the winter or organized a group trip on bicycles.
So a test of willpower. Were a lot of people dropping out because of that?
About 12-15 people a year finish this program. In my seven months there, about 50-60 people dropped out and didn't finish their treatment.
What kept you there?
One time, about four months into it, I got sick and spent a week on sick leave. There, all sorts of thoughts started going through my head, which led to my decision to leave. What kept me going? My mom, who, upon hearing this wish of mine, told me that I was free to go, but definitely not to her. I simply had nowhere else to go.
So after those seven months, it was over? Did you have to continue to report to that community in any way about your condition?
No, the treatment was definitely not over. There was a treatment center waiting for me, where I spent another six months. You live there too, but it's not as intense. The program is based mainly on group therapy.
Well, after a year and a month, you had successfully managed everything, and there came a point when you had to start leaning on yourself again and rely only on your mind. What did you experience and feel in the first days? And did you go back to your original job?
It was such a mess and I didn't know what to do. I wasn't even internally reconciled to the fact that I would never drink again. There was also the fear of networking, because alcohol had always helped me with that. That only got better with time.
As far as work was concerned, I specifically didn't want to be at my former workplace anymore because it was connected to my drinking, but I stayed in the gastro despite all the recommendations. My first job after treatment was in a wine bar. But there I quickly realised it was the wrong choice. There were drunk people around me every day, and I was often there until 1am. But then a job offer came from the airport, where I had worked before and where I didn't have much opportunity to come into contact with drunks. I work there from nine to nine, which suits me fine. Plus, I'm currently promoted to a management position. I'm perfectly happy with that.
Have you discussed your drinking period with your family or the community in any retrospect? Or have you decided to close the book on it and not talk about it any more?
On the advice of the doctors, this retrospective shouldn't be done. You can go back to some situations that are important to you to resolve them definitively and understand what specifically drove you to drink excessively, but I don't do that now with either family or doctors. I had family therapy with my mom while I was still in treatment, and that's where everything came together and came to closure.
Do you still have any aftercare or doctor's appointments?
There's been quite a lot of that during treatment, so I try to manage everything more or less with the support of those closest to me, but when I have the occasional weak moment, or when I need to discuss something seriously, I go to therapy on my own once every two or three months. And it's always wonderful, it helps me a lot.
You don't even have a soft drink anymore?
No, but I tried it once in London at a football match with some mates. I had two or three and I had a crazy headache afterwards. I felt slightly drunk, so no more of that since. I have enjoyed flavoured beers though, but only the ones where there really isn't any alcohol at all, I keep an honest eye on that. Otherwise, I'll occasionally go to the pub, but I'll last about twenty minutes there and leave. And I always wonder how I managed to sit there for several hours a day until I was thirty. My girlfriend and I occasionally have "quick plugs" for the kids.
What's your relationship with alcohol anyway? Do you encourage people around you to avoid it?
I don't want anyone's say in it, that's everybody's business. Personally, I have a real aversion to it. In fact, I never even liked it much, my only goal was to "load" the necessary amount as quickly as possible to forget about the problems. It got to the point where I had to drink it to get to sleep. Without it, I was hallucinating. It was no problem for me to go to the store to buy a bottle of vodka and drink it all by myself. For a few months before treatment, that was my daily regimen.
You can't really tell people what to drink and how much to drink. Everybody has that line where there's too little or too much of something, all over the place. That recognition that something is wrong in that regard is a hugely long-term process, and it's up to everyone to determine their limit.
Is there a common point at which people should seriously think about their alcohol consumption?
It's certainly the point at which it starts to interfere with everyday life. You don't go to work, you don't pay your financial obligations, you start lying to those around you. At least that's a pretty strong signal.
And what do you think of people who have more than ten beers a night and manage to get by?
I just saw that on Wife Swap. There was a guy who drank 15-20 beers a day and was totally fine, quite a likable guy. I mean, if that's the way someone's got it, so be it, but it's still extremely dangerous. This condition can break down at any time. Any more serious problem could come up, and how's the guy gonna deal with it? Will he start drinking less? Quite the opposite.
It got to the point where I couldn't sleep without alcohol and hallucinations were coming on. If you're experiencing something similar, definitely don't hesitate to contact a professional for helpPhoto: Adobe Stock
I'll come back to the community where you spent basically a whole year. Do they invite you in as a successful graduate to maybe inspire current patients?
Yes, every year there's a reunion of all the alumni, or at least those who haven't fallen back into it. But I attend other events as well. For example, a few months ago I was on a trip with them to the Royal Sněžka Mountains, and I also visited them before Christmas. I don't always feel completely comfortable there, but the community, the people, definitely deserve it.
In retrospect, do you regret ever going to a party when you were younger? That you started drinking?
No, I think of it as part of my life, part of a personal journey. Like covid, which ironically helped me change all that. God knows how things would have turned out for me without it.
Have you thought of other alternative ways to "clear your mind", like staying in the dark?
I certainly have, but I haven't had the courage to do it yet. Being in nature and quiet helps me a lot. My girlfriend and I started camping a lot and got two dogs and four cats. I'm not going to do anything extraordinary anytime soon, I'm also very busy.
What would you recommend people do to distract themselves from alcohol. Is it a regular regimen? Keep your mind occupied with something else?
Find hobbies, have meaningful time, learn to live by some sort of order. Of course, it's extremely difficult for people like that, because when you're an alcoholic you don't have anything like order, your life is one big chaos. For example, there are so many things to do in treatment that at the beginning you think, what is this nonsense? They are repeated over and over again, and today I don't know myself why they were necessary for some of them, but I believe there must have been a reason. After all, it helped.
Do you have a final message for readers who may be thinking about their alcohol consumption at the moment?
If they've already had that thought, it means there's probably a problem, even though it may not be a big one. But they should definitely at least talk to someone about it. It may be that a therapist will tell them it's not that bad and maybe just recommend something, but they need to consult with them. It's better to get the whole thing under control at the very beginning than to talk yourself into something and possibly spend a year somewhere getting treatment. Don't underestimate anything. I myself was seconds away from drinking disinfectant out of desperation, and I really don't wish such a state on anyone.
The name of the respondent has been changed to preserve anonymity.
