"I don't know how I survived that time. I remember I was hysterical and I said I wanted to die," the man recalls of the ninth grade
In Monday's interview, we discussed a rather challenging situation you experienced as a ninth-grade student. Was that the first time you told anyone you were gay?
It was. And I certainly wouldn't recommend it to anyone that way. It was really traumatic.
I'm sure the parents reacted to the situation at school, and they were invited to school. How did this play out?
The teacher called them to come and in the meantime sent me back to class. I don't understand that either. She completely destroyed me with what she said in the office, and then sent me to study until my parents arrived to continue the torment. Of course, I sat there for the whole two hours like a soul. I was sick to my stomach, crying, but I didn't want others to see. I felt terrible.
Did your classmates make it any easier? Did they come to their senses? Did they try to support you?
No way. They seemed to be enjoying the drama more. No one came up to me to have a good talk about it at recess. They whispered about it and left me alone in the dugout. I've never felt so alone in my life. I'm twenty-six now, and the idea of being in that situation scares me even as an adult. Imagine being in a room full of people laughing at you, wishing you drama, feeling sick, still having to concentrate on a class you're teaching, and knowing that there's going to be a punishment for something that is extremely personal to you.
I honestly don't know how I survived it at the time. I think I partially shut down and went on autopilot because I'm completely in the fog about what subjects we were actually learning back then in between waiting for my parents. If someone did that to me now, I'd run away. But as a kid, you have nowhere to go. They won't let you, they won't let you leave the classroom or the school itself. You have to sit there and experience it.
Do you think it would be easier for you if you could wait somewhere else? Maybe with a guidance counselor?
I'm sure. If a reasonable adult would talk to me in the meantime, I'm sure it would be better. I was still waiting for a helping hand. But I've been waiting in vain.
What about my parents when they arrived?
There was a meeting with the principal and a teacher. My story was circulating and everyone was looking at it. I wanted to die of shame. Of course, as an adult, I realize now that it was total nonsense to write something like that in school. I should have kept it to myself. But at the time I had no idea of the possible consequences of my actions. I was living in some kind of fairy tale world. This was a real blast from reality.
I remember my mom apologizing for me. Dad didn't say much. It got worse on the way home. They asked me what I was thinking. Where I got these thoughts from. They discussed whether to send me to a psychologist, what people would think when the word got out. They asked me why I was writing such nasty things.
Was the story very explicit?
Yes, it was. And I admit I got most of it from adult films. Sometimes I was embarrassed in front of the paper when I wrote it. That's why I didn't even read it afterwards.
Did your parents realise you were gay, did they ask, or did you say it yourself?
My mom asked if I was like a boy or something. I cried, I remember being hysterical and telling her I wanted to die. It was all very humiliating. The final thing I told her was that I was watching videos on the computer. And that I was watching men. From then on, I was banned from the computer unless the door was open. I was allowed to play The Sims, but nothing else. But I honestly didn't even want to go on the computer anymore. I was ashamed and sick of it.
You mentioned that you transferred to another school. Did you have to fight for that?
I really broke down. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I thought my life was over. After a few days, when my parents calmed down, my mom came to me and asked me how I felt about school. I told her I'd rather die, that I'd jump out the window if she made me go. Luckily, she didn't make me. I stayed at home for about a fortnight because I got sick immediately. My fever started and I had strep throat. I think my body decided to give up on me then. It was too much stress. Eventually my mom told me that she had enrolled me in school in another town in the meantime. It was a thirty minute longer drive there, but I was happy to be there. I didn't mind getting up early at all, I was glad I never had to go to my old school again.
Looking at it today as an adult, what advice would you give to a child who is similarly confused?
Not to watch adult movies. That's the first thing. I think I was even more confused and my imagination couldn't handle it. Even though I thought I had it under control at the time, I had nothing under control. And it's not about the parents. A child can get to anything he wants to get to. It's just the electronic age.
I'd also advise him not to talk about it and not to write anything in particular until he's got it sorted out in his head. And deal with it primarily at home, then somewhere at school or among classmates. People are mean, and kids are even meaner.
Do you think if you'd said you were gay at home before all this happened that your coming out would have been a problem?
There probably would have been some problems at school. But I think your parents would have handled it. We talk about it normally at home now, but back then it was just all emotional. If I'd said it normally, I think it would have been fine at home.
Do you have a boyfriend now?
I don't, but I used to. I'm in the search phase now. But I'm glad I'm an adult now, because I can regulate who I see and when. I felt trapped as a kid. Now I know that everyone I hang out with is open-minded, they're not homophobes or immature individuals who make a big deal out of such things. I think when you're an adult, it's all better all of a sudden. I would never go back to elementary school.
So is there anything good to be taken from your traumatic experience? Like hope that things can get better with time?
I'm sure. Whatever stage of coming out readers are in, I promise things can get better. Just get rid of the toxic people. Even if it's family. If you're too young for that, just hang in there. Eventually you'll make your own group of people you feel comfortable with. And the others will go fuck themselves!
