"I hope that one day our education system will reach a point where teachers will be able to work with children like I was. I'm traumatized," says the young man
The story of your coming out sort of started to play itself out. It wasn't entirely your decision. You just got into a situation that basically forced you to talk about things you weren't ready to talk about. Is that right? What happened then?
I had my coming out because of (or rather because of) school. It was in ninth grade. Even though I'm twenty-six now, I still think of it as the most traumatic experience of my life. Realistically, I'm traumatized. I honestly think everything failed here. And I just hope that one day our education system will get to a point where teachers can work with kids like I was. Because I was completely devastated by what that teacher did that day.
Let's take it one step at a time. You say it was in ninth grade. How long had you known you were gay by then?
I've always struggled with it. By the time you're really a kid - like third to fifth grade - I could see that I wasn't functioning like all the other guys in my class, in the clubs, or behind the house. They either chased the girls around or excluded them from the group altogether as a form of resistance to the fact that everyone liked some of that Annie by then, but didn't want to admit it. I didn't like any Annie. I wanted to spend time in a boy's company, but ideally just the two of us, and I related strongly to my friends. To the point where I got really jealous, which drove my friends away from me. As I got older and older, I imagined different things and it was always a boy in it, not a girl.
You mean any erotic fantasies?
Yeah, I'm sure. I think it's common to have some curiosity accompanied by fantasy when you get to a certain age. So by the time I was, like, thirteen or fourteen, I was into it in a big way. I'll admit that I even watched porn on my dad's computer in the den, claiming I was playing games on it. Of course I did, I loved The Sims and I still play sims to this day. But I've also spent a lot of time in there doing just that adult entertainment. And even then, I was looking exclusively at men. I tried to watch girls because I felt like I should, but I wasn't into it at all. When I did watch a straight video, I always tried to skip the girl-focused parts. And that, when you compare, you realize that there's not much to talk about here. I was into guys.
Did you see it that clearly back then? Were you this aware? Or was it more of a confusion in your head?
Inside, I felt like I knew. But believe me, when you're that age, you don't want to know the truth. You want to be like everyone else and fit in. At least in my day, that's what it was.
Now we're getting to the ninth grade. What happened then?
I've always been a very artistic soul. So, of course, I started about a thousand journal entries or short stories. I never finished anything properly, but I started many times. I was really writing a lot back then - it was these scraps of ideas that I thought were coherent, and I thought I was brilliant and would definitely break through as a secret anonymous author one day. My dream was that someday someone would discover it somewhere and publish it. And they'll never know who wrote it, and it'll be the biggest secret of all time. When you're a kid, you believe all kinds of bullshit.
I wrote a short story at the time. It was kind of a shorter essay. But at the time, I felt like I had practically written a book. (Laughs) I left it lying around the closet at the time, thinking that somebody would discover it. Actually, maybe I wanted to be discovered. But by some sensitive soul. I don't even know what I was thinking. Anyway, I didn't think it would be such a big deal.
Who found the story?
I don't know exactly. It was someone in our class, because suddenly everyone was talking about it and laughing. And they handed it in to the teacher. It wasn't long before she invited me into her office. I said I didn't write it, but she knew I did. I don't know how, but she knew. I guess I wasn't as secretive with my writing as I thought. Maybe someone saw me. And maybe I gave myself away with the type of paper I ripped out of my notebook. It's hard to say. Maybe I was just too transparent because I was the only one who didn't address it and it showed.
Did you get scalded?
Exactly, I couldn't fit in with the crowd.
What did the teacher say?
It was a big fuss. My parents got called. The story, as you can guess, was of an erotic nature. I was less than 15 at the time. So there was a meeting with the parents and the principal... It was terrible!
Are you telling me the teacher didn't try to talk to you calmly? Didn't she, for example, refer you to a school psychologist, help you cope with the situation? Didn't she try to work with the team that apparently started bullying you for the story?
She was a [bleep] lady. Honestly, teachers like that shouldn't be teaching for me. She was already old and mean by the time I got to that school. And imagine, she's still there! And hopefully she'll outlive me!
She didn't help me in any way. She just scolded me for writing inappropriate things and what's wrong with me. She told my parents that I was a danger to the team because I think in a twisted way.
What was the content of the story?
A sexual experience between two classmates. I made up a pair of boys the same age as me and actually described their sex as one of them. Of course, today I see how absurd that is. But I didn't know how to handle my fantasies any better. I know it was explicit and it didn't belong in school. However, I was a kid. I needed support, not a lesson. I was completely devastated. I refused to go to that school anymore. So I spent the last term of primary school at the new primary school I transferred to. Thank God my parents let me go elsewhere, because I was literally willing to die rather than go back to a place where everyone laughed at me and where even the teacher wasn't supportive.
What reaction did my respondent's parents once had to the situation? How did his coming out continue? And how does he live today? You can read the continuation of the interview on LUI on Friday.
