"Asking a man to marry you is the same as asking a woman. I've never been happier. It's just a pity about the ending," says the man of his engagement
You got engaged at the height of the covid, didn't you? Or rather, at a time when it was not even advisable to go out on the street after a certain hour, we all kept great distances and there was a lot of concern. But it did bring you and your partner closer together, didn't it?
That's exactly right. My partner and I were together for about six months, but it was a very intense six months. We had a choice very quickly - either not to see each other at all or to move in together. We're each originally from a different city, so when the counties closed and we weren't even allowed to go on a normal date night, we figured we had to do something. Nobody knew how long it would take. We were worried about being apart for too long. That can be very dangerous in the early stages of a relationship. We didn't want to lose each other.
So we moved in with a friend in the city. For me, it was my first experience outside of living with my parents. My boyfriend and I had a seven-year age gap between us. That's not a huge disaster, but it turned out that some experiences are very necessary if one wants to continue a relationship.
Before we get to your breakup, I want to get back to the moving in thing. Was it romantic? Were you looking forward to it?
I was worried it would be difficult, but it wasn't. I took my few plums that I had at my parents' place, and my boyfriend had the apartment furnished, so it was done fairly quickly. And we had a really lovely few months. I'm still studying and there was no full-time school then, so we were always together. My boyfriend's a barista, so suddenly he didn't have anywhere to go either. So he quickly opened an e-shop when he was wondering what to do financially. And also to keep his head down at home. We worked on it together and got closer.
This bonding was very fast and intense. I understand from our first correspondence that at that moment you felt it could be forever...
Exactly. We wished it. So when he came home one day and asked me to marry him, I was thrilled. There was everything: flowers, candles, music... It was the most romantic experience of my life. Proposing to a man is like proposing to a woman. I've never been happier. Of course I cried because it was a very intense moment that I didn't expect and it got me.
But your engagement fell apart. Before we get to that, what were the plans going forward? A wedding abroad? Or a civil partnership?
A civil partnership. Of course we would have loved to get married, but we don't have the money to do it somewhere outside the Republic with all our loved ones. We figured we'd just do this for now and then we'd see. The act of having the event together was essential to us. That we would pledge our love to each other in front of all our friends and family. It was all about the symbolism.
What happened that didn't work out? Your story sounds to me like a fairy tale of two people very much in love...
We broke up recently because my boyfriend was always out working. Now he not only has a job at the coffee shop, but he has the e-store. He's always working something out. I'm finishing my thesis. We hardly see each other. We were living a fairy tale, it's just a shame about the ending because it was annoying. We started arguing a lot and I made a mistake in the end that cost us the relationship.
What mistake did you make? I guess it was infidelity. Am I right?
I started seeing this guy from school. It lasted maybe seven months. It's silly to say that if something lasts over six months it doesn't mean anything, but for me it was really just a band-aid for how much I missed my boyfriend. We didn't communicate at all and it didn't work. It was killing me. So everything I wanted to experience, I started experiencing with someone else. I wanted to go to events, watch movies, travel... But it was impossible. My boyfriend barely had thirty minutes of his evening before he went to bed. It sucked.
Did your boyfriend find out about the infidelity, or did you confess?
For a long time, he thought it was weird that I was texting this guy, but one day he looked at my messages. I had some pictures of us texting each other. It was pretty rough.
When you talk about pictures, do you mean erotic ones?
Yes, I mean... Like I said, I missed a lot of things. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. It cost me my fiancé. Of course, I returned the ring, even though I probably shouldn't have. But it was very expensive, and I'm fair. Now we're in a situation where his family doesn't know yet. Mine does, of course, because I'm back with my parents. And now I don't know what to do about it. I'd like to go back to him, but the way it was in the beginning. So we can have time for each other. I'm devastated and I don't know what to do.
Have you tried communicating about it?
Yes, but to no avail. My boyfriend doesn't take my arguments at all. He repeats that he does everything for us and that he works hard and I'm too young to understand. Of course I am younger and I don't have a job yet, but I think he is also making a mistake by being away all the time. But he won't let me explain it to him.
What would you like to tell the world with this interview?
I guess that infidelity isn't always an attempt to hurt someone. That's not what I wanted. I mean, I would never do it if I were happy.
Are you suggesting that the infidelity you committed was your partner's fault?
No, but it's partly. I don't want it to sound like I'm blaming him. I know it's my fault. But I want him to understand and I want people to realize that relationships need to be taken care of, too. I was engaged, but I was so alone, I was sick. I missed the closeness so much. Most nights we just said goodnight, had a quick kiss, and that was it. And when I wanted to start something, my boyfriend was always tired, and then we'd fight. I'm sorry. But I don't know what I should have done differently.
