"I didn't know how to say things to my parents. I felt ashamed and sorry for embarrassing them," confessed the young man who almost ended his life
You're talking about daddy coming out, but not mommy. She doesn't know anything?
I need more time for that. Mom's sick, she's got enough to worry about. She's got an autoimmune disease, and stress makes it worse. I don't want to hurt her.
You think the truth about her son would hurt her? You didn't do anything wrong...
I mean, I don't want her to have to deal with any big information right now. Every time something happened in our house, my mom would brush it off. She takes a lot of medicine, but her joints still hurt, she gets sick. I figured it'd be best to tell her everything when I'm done with everything myself.
Speaking of your mom, I can't help but ask about the context of your childhood bullying, which we talked about in our last interview. How did your mom handle that? It must have been very difficult for her if stress is triggering her physical problems.
That was one of the reasons I'm so glad for therapy. That we weren't just dealing with it at home and actually doing something effective about it. Mom wasn't doing well at the time, but she wanted to help me most of all. To this day, I'm sorry for what she had to go through for me.
I'm sure she didn't see it that way. It's not your fault she was bullied.
I know, but if she didn't have me, she wouldn't have to stress about it. It's stupid to talk about it like that. I know what you mean. But it's just always bothered me that there's always something around me. The bullying, the anxiety, what I'm dealing with all the time. My depression... Maybe my parents think it's just a big cycle of problems with me. I know they don't mean it that way, and they've never said anything like that to me, but it still makes me sad.
From what you've told me about your parents, I get the impression that you have a beautiful relationship. You just can't avoid difficult situations sometimes. Going back to your coming out, do you think your mom wouldn't take this information in stride?
She probably would, but she's always chewing on everything inside. I get that from her. And her having the disease is really stupid. I'm sure she wouldn't stop loving me. I just don't want her to worry about what my life's gonna be like now or if I'm gonna fall back into some really big depression. I want her to see that I'm balanced and happy when she finds out. I think that'll help her cope.
But you told Dad everything. How did he react?
He said he didn't expect it and asked me if I was sure. (Laughs) He knows my ex-girlfriend, of course. We dated for a long time. So I understand that it sounds weird when I was dating a girl everywhere until recently. (laughs)
He didn't believe it. He told me that he respected whatever I had, but to take my time and talk it through in therapy before I went into something and took it as the ultimate truth. I guess that makes sense, because I've always been very indecisive. And I don't mean that I'm not sure I'm gay. It makes more sense that my dad reacted that way. Because he's used to me always overthinking things, and then I'd get caught up in it and be unhappy. So I understand what he meant.
And you talk about it in therapy?
Yes, but not in the context of being sure. It's more about how to process it, to communicate how to make my life work without always being afraid of someone. Because after the bullying at school, I've had the feeling for a long time that I'm always being stared at, that I'm doing something wrong, that I'm going to be laughed at... It shapes my behaviour and decisions a lot, and not always in my favour. I think a lot about what other people would say, what they would think, and that's not good. But so far I can't filter it out.
Have you had any other discussions with your dad? Or has your communication on the subject ceased at this juncture?
He asked me after the first therapy session since I told him how it went. I don't think he knows how to talk to me about this, he's a little embarrassed. He's trying, I'll give him that, but I don't think he knows how to be natural yet. You can tell he's choosing his words and thinking a lot.
In the sense that he's uncomfortable, or that he's trying to understand you and doesn't yet know how to handle a subject that I assume he's never broached?
I'd say both. My dad does house calls. He works with guys. The only woman he sees at work is his assistant, who's sixty-two. He's not exactly used to emotional debates. For him, an emotional debate is when he sees a crack in a wall and has to tell people they've done it wrong. (Laughs) He's a good dad, I really like him a lot. He's just not a big talker.
Do you think the therapy that was arranged for you as a teenager was his way of helping you - also just because he couldn't do it himself? He didn't know how to talk to you?
I'm sure he did. My dad and I like to spend time together, but we can't talk about everything. Dad doesn't know how, and I don't know how to start. Actually, we probably know everything about each other, but not because we talk about it intensely. He's just not the type.
But now he's obviously trying to embrace the emotional debate. At least I get that from what you're telling me...
He is. He's always tried, but it's just weird. I didn't even want to tell him how I felt when I wanted to kill myself once. I know it sounds like a simple sentence when I'm closed off like that, but I was really sick at the time and I didn't know how to tell my parents the things I said in therapy. A therapist knows how to talk to you, how to open you up, how to dig in without completely finishing you off. With parents, you get the feeling of shame - at least I did. I felt ashamed and sorry for embarrassing them. It's not entirely easy.
But is it safe to say that your coming out to one of your parents went well?
Absolutely. It's a little weird, but not enough to say I'm uncomfortable at home. I feel terrible for anyone who doesn't have that at home. Who just can't say it at home or is left alone because of coming out. I can't imagine and I want to say that I'm thinking of you all!
