"At first, my girlfriend and I painted our nails and it was fine. Still, it was unsustainable," says the young man about the end of his first love
You're 19 years old and you're over the breakup. Getting right to the heart of the matter, when did you get the break that you felt you needed to tell your girlfriend you were gay?
As you say, I'm 19. Of course, I've known that about myself for an awfully long time. It's not that I didn't know. I knew, but somehow I didn't want to fully admit it. Plus, my now ex-girlfriend is just the best girl you could ever meet. I didn't want to break up and hurt her. I wanted to make it work. And it did work!
It worked even after you told her the truth, didn't it?
For a few more months. We didn't break up when I came out, which you'd expect. Actually, it was quite an interesting conversation. She was sorry, but she told me she actually knew. That she'd always felt partly like a friend to me. That's why she was so comfortable with me. So we didn't need to break up right away. We took it slow. We only broke up recently when she confided in me that she liked a guy. And I encouraged her to go on a date. I'd be selfish if I didn't. I'm happy to support her and we give each other advice on emotions and relationships. I want her to be happy.
It sounds to me like you're really very emotionally mature and can think about things from a different perspective. And that your ex-girlfriend is obviously going to be very sensitive and communicative in that regard as well. And you're both still in high school. What do you attribute that to?
She's definitely a gift. She's always been a great, very communicative, nice girl who tries to help everyone.
I got that in therapy. I've been going to therapy since I was 12. I was going through a really bad time mentally back then. I was even thinking about suicide. There was some bullying, searching for myself... I didn't feel comfortable in this world. It's a hard topic to talk about, but at the same time, therapy makes it easier. My parents didn't have it easy with me, they did so much for me and I'm glad they took me to therapy. That they weren't afraid of it and didn't judge me. Some parents would probably never take their child to therapy, but for me it was a complete turning point.
What did therapy help you the most?
With processing emotions around self-esteem. I had a lot of disruption just through bullying. I've always been different. I happened to be in a class where most of the boys were in elementary school. I just didn't fit in. And I must have been around them for an awful lot of years. Most of the ones who went to junior high with me went to senior high with me. And it dragged on. I felt like it was never gonna end. From today's perspective, junior high is just a part of life, but when you're twelve years old, you've experienced rejection for so many years, and you know you've got a few more years to go, it's like a judgment that you're going to be a loser forever. I struggled with that a lot.
And then of course there's the matter of some of my self-discovery. I knew I had this weird relationship with guys. But I didn't want to be a "faggot," as I was often called at school. I didn't want to validate them. Not even to myself.
Did that work out with the transition to high school?
I went to a four-year high school. And it was much better. I don't want to offend anyone, but there weren't as many jerks in high school. Most of the ones who laughed at me in elementary school are now on the strip. And I'm not undermining any type of work, I'm just telling it like it is. That the ones who mostly had problems with their studies afterwards were the worst. And I think that says something.
It was better in high school. I went in with apprehension, but I fit in pretty well.
Here comes your ex-girlfriend...
Yeah. (laughs) We're in class together. We've always gotten along, like I say, she's a really nice soul, terribly pure and honest. You'd have to know her. And I don't want to sound like I started dating a girl even though I knew I was gay. I knew it, but I wanted to be straight.
Being gay didn't seem normal to you?
When you go through bullying like I did in elementary school, you get scared to even think about it. My therapist helped me fit in without worrying about repeating elementary school. But the coming out thing, I needed more time for that.
How was your relationship with your girlfriend?
Very nice. She was my first, I was hers. We went to the movies a lot, to the park, we were at her house cooking. We even went ice skating... I was really into it. At first, my girlfriend and I even painted our nails and it was fun. Still, it was unsustainable.
This is where we get to your coming out?
I know it's weird that a guy wanted to paint his nails with her, but you know how: I chose black to be cool. I've always gotten away with everything. But gradually, I had no choice but to tell her the truth. She knew about the bullying in elementary school, but I didn't tell her everything. I told her I was gay because I could see it wasn't going anywhere. That as much as I loved her, I wouldn't be able to give her the future she deserved.
That's a very conscious act. How did she take it?
She was sad, she cried. But she wasn't mad at me. I cried, too. We both cried. But we made it through. We talked about it a lot, and she supported me. That's why I support her dating now. I really want her to be okay with this guy. I want to hurt him whenever I hear that maybe he's not writing her back. (Laughs) I probably shouldn't be so involved in this, but I am. I'll never stop being grateful to her for the way she took the whole thing. Now I just have to muster up all the strength to say it at home. My parents are very understanding, but I know that maybe they were against it when it was a marriage for all. That they're not totally supportive of the LGBTQ+ community. And that scares me. So we'll see.
If the story develops, we'll continue the conversation in the future and bring you more on LUI.
