"One partner for life? I love my boyfriend, but it scares me!" admits a man in a candid interview about monogamy
You have a partner you're happy with. Can you first describe to our readers what your relationship looks like? Summarize your situation?
I want to be clear up front that I love my boyfriend. We have a really good relationship. I cook, he does the cleaning, which I hate, we both like to go dancing, we have a common interest in making our home better every day, so we work together on renovations with our own hands... It's such a kitschy idyll!
We live near Prague, we bought an older house and we are working on it. So far it's in less than ideal condition, but it's getting better. We don't want to involve a third party. Firstly, companies are expensive and secondly, we like the fact that we can do it ourselves.
My boyfriend has been used to being in a relationship up until now. He had this one guy before me that I think is my own man. Anyway, they managed to keep it going for six years. And before that, he had one more long-term relationship. I didn't. This is my first monogamous attempt.
Attempt?
I admit I've missed a few. I'm sorry, and I don't want my boyfriend to know. There was no emotion involved. But I'm just wired that way. I'm trying to fight it, but it's hard. I'm 40 years old, I've never been faithful to anyone, and I never had to be. It's my nature to kind of sail through the world and get to know someone more every now and then. But that doesn't mean I've ever cheated on a friend on an emotional level.
I'll stop you right there: Would a partner see it that way too? That if it's emotionless, it's okay?
Of course not. He's very strict about this. We've talked about this a thousand times. I've tried to talk to him about how some couples are happy to have some physical freedom. But he won't even hear of it. He wouldn't even forgive me for having a fling with a girl, which I think is a whole other league and a whole other topic.
Are you attracted to women?
I wouldn't call it that, I consider myself gay, but occasionally I meet a nice girl, so we've been going at it. I don't find anything fundamentally interesting about it, but it's good as a diversion.
Do you feel like you're cheating on your boyfriend? Or do you have another name for it that's connected to your approach to monogamy?
I sense that he would see it that way. The problem is, I really don't. One partner for life? I love my boyfriend, but it scares me! I mean, I'm 40. In a few years, I'm going to start losing my shape and I'm going to have to have my eyelids cut off because I can already see the skin falling off. It's the last chance I'll have before I'm an old woman. (laughs)
Do you see age as something that stresses you out?
A lot. Like, I'm very particular about my appearance, and suddenly I see that there are things that are going harder and slower. I used to exercise less than I do now and I got better results. I could eat a gallon of fat and I was thin. Now I can see it - the subcutaneous fat, especially on my belly - starting to settle in. I had a hair transplant a few years ago because, unfortunately, my dad's cedee was visible from Mars by the time I was 30. But it will become apparent in time that I'm getting on in years. I'm not gonna play it safe on teeth whitening and hyaluronic acid anymore. It's more like dentures and botox.
Have you talked about age with your partner? He's younger than you, by the way?
A little bit. But other than that, he's starting to be as much of a grape as I am. We're not bite-sized anymore, you know. But we're both trying to look something so we don't have to be embarrassed to go out with people.
We talk about it a lot. My friend is experiencing it from the point of view that he feels like financially he wanted to be somewhere else than he is at his age. He's annoyed that I'm putting more in the piggy bank, but somehow that doesn't bother me. I'll cherish my Maruna with a penis. And I say that with all my love! He could stay home for me if he wanted to. I have no problem paying for everything. But he wouldn't accept that. He's a fluffy peacock who couldn't get over his pride.
Do you feel up to being with your boyfriend, as they say, all the way to the grave?
I'd really like us to stay together. I've never said that about anyone, and once upon a time I couldn't even imagine it ever happening. I love him like I've never loved anyone. I really think about him every day. I try to surprise him, make up nice dates, I've totally become a prince charming. (laughs)
Compared to the way I used to live, it's heaven and earth. He's completely turned my life around and I don't want to give it up. I've changed so much. It seems like I'm maladjusted, but I spent a lot of time abroad before we started together. Most months of the year. I don't do that now, because I want to be with my home girl, as I call him. And I point out that that's not an insult. I mean well. I used to snort once in a while, that hasn't happened in ages either. I used to mostly live at night and sleep during the day, that's in the past too... Just everything has changed for me so we can be together. But this is really hard. I don't know how to accept that my time of experimentation is over forever.
How do you plan to resolve your disparate views on monogamy in the future? Do you want to continue to keep your boyfriend's affairs a secret?
Sounds awful, doesn't it? But I honestly can't think of a better solution yet. I'm trying to open up a debate. I mean, it'd be enough if my boyfriend wanted to have a threesome. He could be there. But he doesn't want that either. I really like him, so I don't want to leave him, but I honestly panic when I think I should back off and be a good castrato for the rest of my life. Because that's how I felt for the first year when I tried to comply. If anyone can think of a way to address this, I'm happy to read experiences and well-meaning advice. But for now, I'm pretty lost.
