Interview with a philanderer: Is cheating without emotions still cheating? And why does he see checking his phone as a worse relationship offense?
Dave, we agreed to talk about infidelity and not to be afraid to be a little snarky to get to the point. Thank you in advance for being so open. Can you give our readers a glimpse into the life you led in Prague?
I was born outside of Prague, I'm from a smaller town, but I did go to Prague occasionally to visit friends. Mostly to party. I met a lot of people that way and once I ran into a really great guy. I'm not the type to be shy about asking someone out for a drink, but I was nervous with him. Long story short, I really fell in love. One thing led to another and I moved to Prague to see him. He was still studying, but luckily he had an apartment from his parents, so it was great. We moved, I found a job in Prague and everything was just great. We even had a turtle.
I have to laugh at the turtle. Is that an important point of yours? Animal proof of commitment?
Exactly as you say. We wanted a pet that not only swims like a fish, but doesn't miss us when we're away for a long time. My boyfriend had a lot on his plate at school, and I was often driving home to see family, going to work... it really wasn't for a dog. And the hamster would die too quickly, we didn't want to be sad. So a turtle was the perfect choice for me. We got her about a year and a half after our first date. We wished we'd gotten her sooner, but you'd be surprised how much a turtle needs. I won't bore you with this, but it really was a process.
How long were you and your boyfriend together? Because I know your relationship is over. And that it was preceded by a really emotionally difficult situation...
Almost five years.
It was tough. There was a lot of crying. I've tried to make amends, but I've also said some things I shouldn't have said when I was trying to defend myself.
I'll stop you right there. What did you say that you shouldn't have?
The thing is, my boyfriend found out about my "infidelity". The quotation marks are important there. I didn't take it that way at all. I've never been in a strictly monogamous relationship. I don't think that's normal for us (gay men). You can have one person you love, but if you flirt somewhere, it's okay. At least that's the way I felt about it and I wouldn't mind at all if my boyfriend had a good time somewhere. As long as he comes home. It's not about emotions, it's more about getting off and having fun.
Do you think gay men in general are like that and your boyfriend is the exception?
I used to think so, but now I don't know. I never thought to address it that much. Even his friends from school are guys - even a couple of boys. I took it to mean that there was definitely something going on, but I didn't care. I wouldn't even think of digging into it.
What did you consider infidelity until then?
Emotions. Just planning another turtle somewhere with someone, if I say so badly.
But not sex? And other intimacies?
You can have sex with a stranger from a bar. There's really no danger of unwanted parenthood here. I don't know, this whole thing seems so incomprehensible to me.
And to get back to your question, that's what I told my partner. That I don't understand why he's so narrow-minded. That he's immature and emotionally immature if he doesn't understand the difference between love in a relationship and some entertainment that means nothing.
Is that what you used in the argument?
A lot of other things, too.
Like what?
Of course, he's younger than me, so he probably has little experience. He's still a bit of a kid when he thinks like that: that he's gonna be with one guy in his life and not even look at the others. I don't think that's how it goes in adult life. For a guy, it's prudish, unnecessary, stressful, restrictive, almost stalkerish.
You called your boyfriend a stalker. Why is that?
Because he got on my phone! He said he was suspicious. He read something, and there it was. But they were just ordinary sex texts. I don't even know what the guy from the chat room does for work or what his mom's name is. I don't care. I just thought he was hot, so we talked, we saw each other a couple of times, something happened... period. I wasn't planning anything bigger with him. There have been and there will be...
Is that what you told your boyfriend? That there have been and will be?
Yes, he did. But as it turned out, it wasn't the best strategy. I know it's silly to laugh, but I really have to, because I don't know how else to react. I was ready to live with my boyfriend for life. I don't understand at all that it's stuck on such a stupid thing.
Is this about communication? Didn't you know your boyfriend was monogamous?
I knew, but I figured what the eye can't see... I don't know, I really think I just underestimated it. I didn't mean any harm. I mean, if you don't have experience, how do you know what you like? You need to go off the rails a bit to get new ideas, a spark... I'm sorry to be a bit unpleasant, but I feel like I've been saying it over and over again - to him, to you... I've told him many times and he still doesn't get it. If he wants monogamy, fine, I'll try. But you should have pushed harder.
How could you have pushed it when you knew about his preferred relationship style and you didn't tell him about the sides?
You're grilling me, and I see where you're going with this. That's the thing I'm sorry about. We should have communicated better. I should have explained more about how I'm doing it. But I honestly don't think he'd go along with my version, which is why I didn't even try.
So in the end, you knew it would be bad if it broke and you decided to take a chance...
Actually, yes, but I don't think that's fair. If he had followed the simple rule of not looking at his partner's phone, everything would have been fine. I would never hurt him by neglecting him or talking to someone else while he's there.
You're solving a completely different problem than your boyfriend in this whole argument. Do you think invading your privacy is the same "transgression" as infidelity, if we'll allow the name for once? Or even greater?
I think it's clearly worse. He didn't believe I loved him or he wouldn't have checked up on me. Everyone has a right to privacy. No one has to go into my messages, mail, phone, laptop, etc. I wouldn't do that to my kid. Never. You just don't do that! I don't think I've done anything wrong. I never cheated on him emotionally. He never. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
You think you can understand his point of view?
I understand what he's telling me. But I don't get that he does. It just seems like such a stupid thing to do. Don't get mad at me, I'm not gonna change my mind about this.
Is there still a chance for a comeback? Or is it all lost? It seems to me that you both actually love each other, but this feud of yours is fundamental and you need to find some way that works for both of you if you're to get back together.
I don't know. I had to move out, cost me a lot of money. In the end, he took away not only my privacy, but also my background just because he didn't like me having fun with someone outside his scope. He's mad at me, but I'm mad at him too. And I'm not gonna apologize for something I think he overreacted to in the finale.
Are you two communicating about this?
On and off. It's either silence or my phone can burn in my hand as we text and call - arguing. I honestly don't know what to do.
