"My husband hates homosexuals, he threw my son out of the house, I haven't seen him in 9 years," says the gay mother, adding that she secretly believes in reconciliation
Ilona, you raised a son who told you he was gay on the cusp of adulthood. How did you handle the situation?
I had a very hard time. It was a huge blow to me and especially to my husband. I didn't even have time to recover from the information and my husband threw my son out of the home. That very day, actually, right after he told us he was gay.
Do you know where your son went after that?
I know, he went to my parents on the other side of the country. They let him stay with them for almost a year. At least I had some information about my son from my parents at the time. But I was terribly ashamed that my parents - then almost 70 years old - were more enlightened than my husband. While the announcement was a shock to me, it was certainly not cause for me to tell my son to pack his things and go.
Why didn't you intervene at that point?
It was a long time ago. I don't want to belabor the point, but my husband has always ruled with an iron hand. In fact, he still does. We have a daughter, younger. She too was upset about the situation, but she didn't dare say anything, let alone make contact with her brother. Although I know they're seeing each other now. But she's not talking to her husband. Just because of what he did to her son. As soon as she could, she got back on her feet and doesn't go home anymore.
So you don't see your kids at all? How long?
My daughter and I do, and I visit her occasionally. Or when she comes to visit friends, she'll call me and we'll meet up. I ask her about her son sometimes, but she won't talk about him. It's been almost nine years since I've seen him.
Have you thought of trying to contact your son through your daughter and maybe meet - somewhere on "neutral ground"?
I've thought of that so many times, I don't even want to think about it. All I know from my daughter is that she lives in Prague, has a boyfriend and works in marketing. I'd love to see him, but that would be absolutely impossible in front of my husband. Why don't I take a trip to Prague? There's really no way...
Did your husband explain to you after he kicked your son out of the house why he did it?
Well, he didn't have to. He yelled at him pretty harshly... I don't even want to repeat the words. It's just that he doesn't tolerate people like him in his apartment. It was a terrible scene. I couldn't do anything at that moment. Afterwards, actually.
It's been nine years since your husband threw your son out of the home. He never mentioned him again?
No, I feel like he's completely erased the whole thing. For me, not a day goes by that I don't think about my son. When I go shopping and see something he liked, when I'm cooking his favourite meal... in that first phase, it was terrible for me to even go into his lonely room. Then my husband made it his office. I secretly saved a few of my son's things, he threw everything else away. Without a word.
I understand that this is still a very sensitive subject, but what was the first Christmas like after the events you describe?
It's like my son was erased from the world. I had presents for him - and I sent them to my parents that first year, at least. I did that afterwards with birthday presents, holiday presents. Even though I may seem like a really weird mom, I love my son - and my daughter, too, of course - despite it all. But during the covid, both parents left, so that "clutch" is sadly gone...
I'm sorry - and you didn't even meet at the funeral?
No, he didn't come. But he did it for me. My daughter and I sorted everything out together and he didn't go to the ceremony to avoid a scene with my husband. He didn't want me to have the nerve to have any more conflict. That's what my daughter told me...
So you could say your son hasn't completely abandoned you...
He's always been such a sweet, sensitive, considerate boy. I hope he knows how it all feels. And that even if he did try to contact me on his own, it might not turn out well.
Do you think you'll ever get to meet your son after all?
I really hope so. Thank God I still have a daughter, so there's still a middle ground that hopefully in the future it won't be a problem to find my son, contact him... and apologize. It's absolutely exhausting for me. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that my son is fine and doing well today. Although we didn't really give him a good start in life.
If you're hoping for a reunion, do you also believe your husband will change his mind?
No, I don't really believe that. But we're in our 60s, and maybe he'll let his guard down. I know this must all sound really absurd. I'm aware of the situation I live in. But, you know, having been unable to do anything about it for the previous thirty-five years, I'm not going to do anything about it in my old age. I guess it's cowardly. And I tell myself that I've failed as a mother - I've actually lost both my children in a sense. Yes, in hindsight, it was actually my fault. I'm terribly sorry, and I know that the years are ticking by and no one will ever get that time back. Still, somewhere in the corner of my heart, I hope that I will still have that opportunity to start functioning with my children - even after those terribly tarnished relationships - again and better.
